Where we read the stars and Yahoo Horoscopes to tell the fortune the only way Puntabulous knows:
Taurus:
Because you’re so famous for being the rock in the family, it’s tough to find you far from them, especially when urgent circumstances arise. Ready or not, prepare for that phone call — the one you’re already half expecting.
That’s funny. I didn’t realize rocks wet the bed until the age of 16.
Gemini:
You woke up with the urge to do something unlike anything you’ve ever done. To boldly go where no wo/man has gone before. Whether it’s Neptune, Sri Lanka or downtown Minneapolis, you’ll make it happen. Soon, too.
I’m pretty sure people have been to Sri Lanka and downtown Minneapolis. And then there was this one time where I thought I went to Neptune. It was really dark and hazy. I could hardly see my own hand in front of my face. But then I realized I just had my eyes closed. I was wondering how I got there so fast.
Sagittarius:
What a difference a day makes. If that’s not the truest expression ever articulated, nothing is. You’re about to discover just how true it is right now, thanks to a loved one who’ll absolutely knock your socks off.
The last time somebody knocked my socks off, a homeless guy knocked me out and stole my socks. Then he filled them with oranges and beat me with them. The sad thing was I was going to use the oranges to make marmalade and give it to him. But by the time he was done beating me there was nothing left but rind and pulp. Oh the irony.