Puntabulous

Once again, Suzy Preston kicked ass and took names on tonight’s episode of The Biggest Loser. Not only did she lose 10 pounds, but she gave another contestant Matt a haircut, which made him look ten times better.

I am certain Suzy is going to make it to the final 3. (After the original taping, the final 3 go home to lose the rest of the weight on their own and come back for a final live weigh in). She is so gonna win. And I called it from the beginning!

But if Suzy doesn’t win, she could always move to New York and earn money by rolling me around after my god-like metabolism eventually withers away and I turn into a fatty.

Since I’m selfish and only feel like reporting about my birthday today, I would like to point you to imdb.com which features celebrity birthdays:

Well folks, today I turn 24. I really have nothing exciting to report because there is nothing exciting about turning 24. After 21, there are no monumentous ages until 30. And then when I’m 30, I’ll just think of all the ways I wasted away my 20’s.

I could do something about that, but instead I’ll draw a picture of me floating away with a bunch of birthday balloons! WEE!

This will totally heal the pain of complete and utter failure when I’m 30 and alone.

Where we read the stars and Yahoo Horoscopes to tell the fortune the only way Puntabulous knows:

Taurus:

You’ve had your share of unexpected encounters lately, but there’s one more on the agenda — and you’re going to just love this one. It may come complete with the opportunity to put on your finest threads and strut your stuff.

But then again, perhaps you should just put on your finest thread. You dirty little skank.

Sagittarius:

You’ve been trying to watch your tongue for days — maybe even weeks. But why bother? Refuse to accept this treatment any longer. One good conversation will clear the air, and you need to initiate it.

I’ve been trying that too, but I can’t stick it out far enough. That, and my nose gets in the way.

Aries:

Luck will definitely be with you, especially if you’re facing a tough decision and you’re not sure what to do. If there’s a teensy bit of well-calculated risk involved don’t be afraid to try it.

One time I tried calculating risk, and I got the number 665. So I went ahead and did it, but I got into a really bad accident and ended up in the hospital for 4 weeks. Turns out I forgot to carry the 1.

Thanks to Dave, all of my blogspot posts have been moved over to the new server. I’m glad to be settled into my new home. Feel free to look around. Everything is categorized for your viewing pleasure (or dismay, whichever the case may be).

Also, sometime over the weekend, I passed the 2,000 visitor mark. One small step for man, one giant leap for Puntabulous.

Through my site counter, I can see how people come across my blog. Many people find it by using a search engine to search for things I talk about such as “Halloween Costumes” and “The Biggest Loser”. Every once in a while, I come across a diamond in the rough. A search so unfathomably random, that I didn’t even know such searches existed. Not only am I shocked to find out what people are searching for, I’m shocked that these very searches lead directly to me.

I am the 22nd search result for “pride prejudice freaking collide song”.

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one upset by the use of Howie Day’s song Collide in the commercials for Pride and Prejudice. I love me some Collide, but not in my Jane Austen masterpieces.

Previous: PUNTABULOUSLY PEEVED

Here I am when I briefly appeared in the movie Titanic. Rose said she would never let go.

Well guess what, that bitch let go.

I like to consider myself a caring person. However, when people come through the subways asking for money, I listen to my iPod and pretend not to hear them. Cold? Maybe. Heartless? Perhaps. Devastatingly hadnsome? Most definitely.

Anyway…

This system usually works for me. However today, someone came in with an acordion! That’s right, and acordion. I thought I was prepared. I thought I was strong enough. But once that acordion starting jamming, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

My jig was up.

Where we read the stars and Yahoo Horoscopes to tell the fortune the only way Puntabulous knows:

Aries:

You’re probably feeling just about as restless as you ever have — and you’re just radical enough to do something about it. Don’t even try to resist this energy. Get out that list of things you swore you’d try.

Here’s my list:

1) Shut off my alarm clock in the morning without cursing in my head.

2) Watch the Today Show without cursing out Katie Couric in my head.

3) Take the subway to work without cursing someone out in my head.

4) Stop cursing people out in my head.

Taurus:

You may have thought that the person you’ve been watching wasn’t interested — not even a little bit. Today, however, they’ll send out some signals that will let you know they’re ready and willing.

Well I have been admiring Jake Gyllenhaal for quite some time now. Is starring in the gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain his way of telling me he’s ready to get it on?

Aquarius:

Your friends are important to you — maybe even more important than anything. Your mission at the moment is to find a happy medium between catering to your sweetheart and taking care of yourself.

But then again, if you don’t have a sweetheart, you can focus solely on taking care of yourself. Either that, or weep silently in the bathroom like you normally do.

Here is a picture taken when I auditioned for the role of Zack Morris on the television show “Saved by the Bell”:

Unfortunately Zack’s cell phone was too heavy for me to handle. I suggested that Zack telecommunicate with cans and string, but the producers deemed it too unrealistic. Screech can date Tori Spelling, but I couldn’t have cans and string. Damn you Saved by the Bell. Damn you for letting me love you so much.

UPDATE!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Zack Morris cell phone, here is a picture:

Saved by the Bell: Where early 90’s technology meets cheesy story lines and Jesse Spano’s fro.

Where we read the stars and Yahoo Horoscopes to tell the fortune the only way Puntabulous knows:

Pisces:

Get ready for some extremely serious feelings to be shared. But, if you’re not interested, have the courage and decency to let them know right away. It’s only fair; don’t string anyone along.

Hmmm, I don’t know about that. While I do like to consider myself a decent person, I prefer to let people know that I’m not interested in them by ignoring them. “Oh wow, you like me? That’s so nice. Wait a second, what’s going on? Oh my god! You’re turning invisible! I can’t see you anymore! Oh no! Alright take care!”

Cancer:

Although it may not seem so now, within a day or so you’ll be feeling peppy, upbeat and amazingly cheerful — and well you should. Life is good and getting better all the time, as recent events have surely proved.

Wow, this is an amazing prediction! In a day or so, you’ll be feeling peppy, upbeat and amazingly cheerful! Wow! Let’s see… today’s Thursday… a day or two would make it the weekend. Holy crap! Who would have thought you’d be feeling better during the weekend! God bless you astrology! God bless you!

Aries:

You know how you can tell when it’s about to rain? Well, when you wake up this morning, you’ll sense something like that in the atmosphere around you. The best part is, finally, that everyone will be far less testy — even you.

If I wanted to know when it was about to rain, I would just check the horoscopes. They were amazing with that whole “cheerful” thing they predicted for the weekend. Or I’d just wait until it started raining, and then say “I told you so!” Even if I didn’t tell anyone. If they called me out on it, I’d just complain that they never listen to me when I talk.

So I go to my MySpace page and discover that I have a new message. Not since Shakespeare have more beautiful words filled my heart:

Subject: hi

Body: 23 yo curious guy, 6′9″ tall, thin. 8″ cut…
coming to NYC on saturday and looking to give a bj….never have, but want to- and ur cute

For someone to give me their age, height and penis size really means a lot to me. I wondered why on Earth such a magnificent specimen of man (his profile didn’t have a picture, but I can only imagine the beauty such a man possesses) would come to me with such a fine offer?

This is where I searched inside myself, or more specifically, my profile picture to find the answer. Below is my default MySpace picture, with several key factors pointed out, which explain everything:

1) My Chronicles of Narnia wallpaper. It’s pretty standard common knowledge that C.S. Lewis meant for Aslan the lion to be symbolic of “bi-curious, man-on-man experimentation”.

2) Sexy whipping apparatus. Clearly that bit of blue fabric is not meant to hold the window curtains back on sunny days. More likely it is the tool of a master sex fiend.

3) Bulletin board holding pictures of relatives’ newborn babies. If that doesn’t say “I enjoy letting straight guys experiment on my body” nothing does.

4) Come hither glance. Self-explanatory.

5) Undershirt, Button Down, Sweater combination. More layers means easier access.

6) Star Wars mouse pad. If you’re looking for someone to mess around with, always go for the guys with the Star Wars paraphernalia.

7) Instant Message. Clearly trolling the internet at late hours looking for that special someone.

So I think the picture explains everything. No wonder this man was drawn to me. Who wouldn’t be?

Unfortunately I received his message too late. Saturday had come and gone. He also used the phrase “ur cute”. And I don’t reward bad grammar, no matter how intentional it is.

It wouldn’t be a Wednesday without my weekly shout out to Suzy Preston on The Biggest Loser. Once again her and Seth won immunity and were safe from elimination for another week. To be fair, everyone looks amazing. I’m shocked by the amount of weight these people are losing.

This is how I predict Suzy will look by the end of the show:

If only her glasses were a bit bigger and bug-eyed, she would get mistaken for an Olsen twin.

Another thing I have to mention about last night’s show was the pang of jealousy I felt while watching Suzy’s sister Sandy hug Trainer Bob. I don’t mind when the contestants hug him, but normal non-reality stars should not have that privilege.