Puntabulous

If one finds themselves trapped in the future, it is important to know the millions of cultures that inhabit the planet Earth by the year 3000.

In today’s edition, I will discuss GRENIAL BUG MEN -

This native species of Grenia came to the planet Earth in the year 2543 when a new star formed in their system causing them to scatter when the light came on. Grenial Bug Men are distinguishable from other species inhabiting Earth because they are in fact giant Bug Men. If you see a Grenial Bug Man and do not recognize it as such, you have larger problems than just poor interspecies relations.

Grenial Bug Men often reside in dark, moist areas including sewers, undergrowth and beneath doormats. If you discover a Grenial Bug Man living under your doormat, it is best to leave him there. They have rough demeanors and are generally annoyed with you to begin with for not having a large enough doormat to cover their 7 foot frame.

There are no Grenial Bug Women. The effect this has on the Grenial Bug Men population is tremendous. The lack of a female gender causes the Grenial Bug Men to be bitchy, unathletic and pop-culture savvy.

Grenial Bug Men reproduce by spreading their seed throughout as much of the population as possible. Not a single Grenial Bug Baby has been born through this method, but the Grenial Bug Men continue to try anyway. God bless their optimistic spirit.

If a Grenial Bug Man initiates a conversation with you, it is important to appear interested in what they are saying. Grenial Bug Men can only speak in clicks and inaudible hums, but they are unaware that it is impossible for humans to understand them, so please nod and smile when in conversation with them. Failure to do so may appear rude and result in death by eating. If there is a pause in the conversation, chances are they are waiting for your reply. In these cases, it is wise to compliment the Grenial Bug Man on their looks. Grenial Bug Men are easily distracted by compliments. Take this opportunity to run away.

Congratulations! You just survived your first run in with a Grenial Bug Man. If not, better luck next time. This guide is non-refundable.

Previous Puntabulous Guide to Surviving the Future: Purchasing a Flying Car.

Every 3 weeks or so, I put my life into the hands of my fellow man. I refuse to spend a considerable amount of money on a haircut, so I go to this dive hair salon where all of the “stylists” only speak spanish. Somehow I manage to get out alive, with a decent haircut and only 13 dollars poorer.

“The Five Star Salon: Just Because We’re Dive, Doesn’t Mean We’re Any Less Gay.”

My new video game obsession is Lego Star Wars. I think the name is pretty self explanatory, but basically you reenact all the Star Wars movies as Lego figures.

The Lego figures also happen to have a larger emotional range than Hayden (brooding) Christensen and Natalie (concerned) Portman.

Here I am when I appeared in the video game “Super Mario Brothers”:

Unfortunately I often lost consciousness when I would continually bump blocks to collect coins.

Here I am if I were a giant Pez dispenser:

Now entering the Special Olympics of Puntabulous Reader Submissions, comes the latest submission from Erik:

This is a picture of Erik skating at the Roxy, and apparently not doing so well. I’m not gonna lie. It’s horrendous. But it only makes me love it more. I really hope this inspires all those out there who haven’t sent in a submission yet because they don’t think they’ll be any good, because not matter what you do, it will be better than this. Perhaps he was still skating at the time he was drawing this?

Sorry Erik. I still love it though and will treasure it always. I’ll just tell people my neice drew it for me. My neice who suffers from tourettes syndrome.

Send your submission to Craig (at) Puntabulous (dot) com right away!

Here I am when I appeared as Orko in the 1980’s cartoon series “He-Man”:

Unfortunately, me and the producers disagreed on how the Trollan should act. They were thinking more along the lines of Yoda from “The Empires Strikes Back”, and I was thinking more of Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman” but more skanky.

Proving that it is never too late to send in a reader submission (I’m thinking about having constant reader submissions), Rick sends in a great new addition to the Puntabulous family:

Rick knows I have a weak spot for Star Wars, and that any Puntabulous submission with Star Wars earns a free lifetime subscription to Puntabulous.com and a free night to figure out where any of my other weak spots may be. Oh snap!

Send your submission to Craig (at) Puntabulous (dot) com right away!

Here is the top ten list of things I’ve cried about in recent memory:

1) Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. (I cried at all 20 endings.)

2) Big Fish. (And not just because Ewan McGregor is so damn beautiful it brings a tear to your eye.)

3) A documentary about elephants. (Before you laugh, they had these two elephants that worked together in a circus in the 1950’s, and they hadn’t seen each other in 50 years, and when they were put back together in a zoo, they remembered each other! They intertwined their trunks and got all nuzzly. Seriously, I was sobbing.)

4) Melissa Etheridge’s song: “I Run For Life”. (Yo, if I get cancer, Melissa totally has my back.)

5) Funerals. (Seeing other people cry is my only weakness! I hope Lex Luther isn’t reading this right now.)

6) The end of most episodes of Lost. (I’m a sucker for musical montages.)

7) The Neverending Story. (Artax! Please! You can’t let the sadness get to you! It’s just the swamp, boy! You have to be strong! Artax, please! I love you Artax!)

The Notebook. (Seriously, I needed several horse tranquilizers to stop the convulsions.)

9) When you didn’t send in a reader submission. (What the fuck is wrong with you?)

10) Love, Actually. (Don’t make me explain it, it’s embarrassing enough as it is.)

Noticeably absent from this list is Brokeback Mountain, which I saw last night. While I did enjoy it thoroughly, I wasn’t the emotional Anna Nicole Smith (read: train wreck) I thought I would be.

It did however make me realize what was important in life. Life passes us by too quickly. We need to take the time to find out who we are as people and to discover what we need to make us whole. It really made me want to find that special someone, and take the time away from all the things I previously thought were so important and instead spend it with them. Or have sex with Jake Gyllenhaal, one or the other.

I have a new infatuation! It’s “Campus Ladies” on the Oxygen Network. It had it’s series premiere tonight and it was hysterical. It’s about two middle-aged women going back to college. So funny! They may just be my favorite fictional middle-aged women ever. It’s going to be on every Sunday at 10 and I highly recommend it!

Here I am doing a keg stand with my new best friends:

Here are two clips from the show: Shower Scene From Campus Ladies and What Can You Stick Up There?. (via College Humor)