Puntabulous

An unsettling smell reaches your nostrils. You start to panic. Your heart begins to beat slightly faster. Your breathing increases ever so slightly.

That’s right: You think you stepped in dog poop.

What do you do? Do you stop right there and check underneath your shoes or do you keep walking casually? Did I mention you’re on a busy New York City street? Well you are. And you know as well as I do, that it is no easy feat to check under your shoes.

It’s a delicate balancing act that requires patience, a clear mind and something to lean on. And there is nothing casual about checking under your shoes for dog poop either. There is no other reason in the world to check the bottom of your shoes. And there is no way to check under your shoes without bringing your feet up noticeably off the ground.

Once you check under your shoes there are only two things that could happen.

A) You can have dog poop on your shoe. Everyone around you will point and laugh. (This is New York after all.) And I need not mention the horror that is cleaning dog poop off your shoe. Oh, and you’re wearing your favorite Sketchers with loads of crevices on the sole for poop to reside in.

B) You can NOT have dog poop on your shoe. This is of course a better scenario, but then paranoia begins to spread throughout the crowd. Everyone is now checking under their shoes to see if they have dog poop on them. Even if they don’t smell anything, they saw you checking and are now worried that they are the unlucky victim of a poop versus shoe hit and run. Perhaps someone is standing too close to a subway platform. They are being cocky and overconfident about their balancing skills. Before you know it, they fall on the Subway tracks and are consequently run over by the coming train.

Look at what the fuck you did.