Puntabulous

Here I am when I appeared in the Disney classic “Alice in Wonderland”:

Sometimes I worry that my ridiculousness knows no bounds.

Haiku for The OC:

Drama filled OC,
Only one reason to watch,
Her name is Taylor.

Seriously, Autumn Reeser needs her own Taylor Townsend spinoff. She is the best thing about this sucky season of The OC. No matter what problem arises, Taylor tackles it with enthusiasm and charm.

Taylor has the mother from hell who degrades her every chance she gets, yet Taylor is consistently happy. Seth and Summer don’t have sex for a week and they are both about to call it quits and jump off a cliff. But have no fear! Taylor Townsend has just pulled up in her invisible jet with her trusty Kama Sutra book!

Alas, we all know where secondary characters go on The OC. Perhaps she will go psycho and hold Seth at gunpoint in a hotel room. Yeah right! That would just be crazy!

Oh right, been there, done that. But then again, I may just watch the last 5 minutes of this week’s episode for the rest of my life and never need another ounce of television ever again. Or porn for that matter. Oh who am I kidding?

If you somehow find yourself trapped in the year 3000, it is important to know the rituals and customs of the civilization of the future.

YOUR ROBOT AND YOU: FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS FOREVER

Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are often shocked to see robots living amongst humans in the world of the future. Their initial shock is usually paired with immediate fright and distrust of the robots. This is due to turn of the 21st century movies depicting robots as evil, cruel beings (usually with red lights for eyes) that only wished to conquer the human race. This thought is silly, since by now everyone should know that nothing can destroy the human race, no matter how hard God tries.

The most common form of Robot is the Sex-Bot:

In the future, sex between humans has become increasingly rare. This is partly due to the fact that mankind has reached a point of enlightenment where physical pleasures hold no meaning to them anymore. It may also be due to the vagina having evolved ever more complex leaving men more hopeless than ever in attempting to give females any sense of pleasure in their nethers. It also grew a tentacle, but that will be discussed in another chapter.

Because of this fact, horny, science-fiction-obsessed nerds (otherwise known as nerds, the most helpless against the vagina) introduced the Sex-Bot to society in the year 2670. Initially, the price of the Sex-Bot was much too steep for everyday consumers. However by the year 2711 the sales of Sex-Bots increased dramatically when the vagina tentacle evolved a stinger and became venomous.

Sex-Bots of course come in two styles: Male and Female. Besides the obvious physical differences, there are subtle differences between the characteristics of the Male and Female Sex-Bots. While Females have no problem letting their cold metal feet rub up against yours, Males are equipped with retractable, unclipped toenail simulators for easy defense and escape maneuvers. Males are also designed to shut down precisely three minutes prior to sensing their partner will climax. Females on the other hand are designed to never climax, and then complain about it later.

When purchasing a Male Sex-Bot, it is highly recommended that you purchase a unit that is one size larger than you normally would, since they have a terrible habit of being an inch shorter than advertised on the box. It is also important to purchase a package of rubbers whether you purchase a Male or Female Sex-Bot. Do not get “rubbers” confused with the British idiom for condoms. Rubbers are the two inch thick foam rubber tubing necessary for penetration to prevent electrocution.

You are now ready to purchase your very own Sex-Bot! Go get em, Tiger!

For more Puntabulous Guides to the Future CLICK HERE.

It’s hard making a new post everyday!

Click the link to see what I have to go through to create a new post!

(more…)

The product placement in American Idol is staggering. I think that during commercial breaks, a sad, underpaid production assistant has to run out on stage and adjust the glasses the judges are drinking out of to make sure that the Coke symbols are always facing forward.

Paula as usual goes a bit overboard at the mention of Coke. But this is nothing new.

This week’s reviews in three words:

Mandisa: Gay man’s dream
Bucky: Take out marbles
Paris: Crap, Piss, Fart
Chris: I fuck rockers
Katharine: Be my beard
Taylor: Must look away
Lisa: Adorable as always
Kevin: Insert chicken joke
Elliott: Cuter than usual
Kellie: What a ditz
Ace: Gorgeous but sucks

As Shirley pointed out, I suppose yesterday’s rant of hatred and bitterness wasn’t the best way to welcome the first day of Spring.

I really need to learn how to just stop and smell the roses. I hope this is better:

I know I certainly feel better after doing it for a few hours.

Put away your notebooks and take out a number 2, it’s time for another Puntabulous Pop Quiz! Don’t worry, it’s easy. There’s only one question:

Which one of the following pictures is not a puppy?

Boy! That was a lot of hate I spewed out upon the world earlier. Now I need to balance the universe and mention what it is I love. Myself!

Here I am having a tickle fight with my favorite person in the world.

Either that, or I’m attempting to blow myself. But I don’t love myself THAT much.

Okay, obviously I do. But I’m not that flexible.

Here is a list of all the things I hate about you:

By “you” I mean various people that exist in the world. Not you of course. I want to make babies with you. Or at the very least, I want you to buy me a drink.

1) You are an annoying sick person. You cough excessively, you talk nasally, and you are a general pain in the ass. God forbid one person you deal with today doesn’t know you’re sick. You are not the only person in the history of the world who has been sick. Believe it or not, billions of people get sick every year. Suck it up and move on with your life.

2) You are a MySpace skank ho. You put up MySpace pictures of yourself scantily clad and then caption it with something like “Looking dorky!” or “I am SO not hot!” Clearly you think you are the fucking shit. Otherwise you wouldn’t have posted the pictures in the first place. Oh, and what the fuck is it with looking out of the corners of your eyes? It doesn’t make you look sexier!

Oh wait…

Damn, I’m gorgeous.

Anyway! While we’re on the topic of MySpace…

3) You put up MySpace bulletins telling people that you posted new pictures and demand comments. You are lame. If people thought you were hot, they would post comments without being told to. Follow this line of thought logically, and you get to the conclusion that you are ugly.

Believe me: If A = B and B = C, then C = You’re ugly.

4) You insist on doing EXACTLY what you want for your birthday. No one wants to go to a Slovakian restaurant in the ass crack of town followed by seeing a band that only you have heard of. What you don’t realize is that your friends deal with it, then talk about how annoying you are behind your back. Knock it off. Do something everyone will enjoy. Fucker.

5) You are one of those people that everyone likes. I hate you.

6) You wear your “I’ve never seen a Star Wars movie in my life!” like a badge of honor. Well aren’t you just the coolest, most sophisticated person I’ve ever met in my life. No one cares! This thought is seconded by Natalie Portman, my wife.

7) You try and beat my sob stories with your sob stories. I know I’m being a Debbie Downer, but not everything bad in my life relates to something bad that’s happened in your life. I have a hangnail, but your parents were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks yesterday, blah blah blah. Fine, you win. Happy now?

You ask me a question, I give you an answer, you argue with me about whether I am right or wrong, and then insist you are right. Fuck you. That goes double if you are actually right. Nobody puts Craig in a corner.

9) You say “lol” on instant messenger. Okay, it’s really not THAT bad. But then you make it worse by saying “lolololol”, which essentially means “laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud”. Dumb ass.

If you or anyone you love does any of the above things, please smack them around a bit. Tell them Puntabulous sent you. When they have no idea what that means, smack them harder.

Keeping it classy with Natalie Portman, my wife.

I don’t know how Natalie got the beads.

But I’m pretty sure it looked something like this.

I don’t remember how I got my beads either, but I’m pretty sure it looked like this:

Please, please, please give me beads.