Puntabulous

For a while there it looked like I started celebrating St. Patrick’s Day early.

Alas, it was just my host being down. Sorry about that. Puntabulous back in action!

In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, I am pleased to share a small history of Leprechauns.

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If only I worked in movies! Oh the joy I would bring to audiences across the nation! This is how I would make the Transformers movie:

Yo man, I need some Autobot poontang!

MmmmHmmm

Fuck yeah!

Shhh…here comes Arcee.

Hey guys, what’s going on?

Hey Arcee.

Hey Arcee.

What are you guys talking about?

Jazz was saying how he wanted some Autobot poontang.

Kup! Don’t talk like that in front of a lady!

What lady?

Uh………

You.

I’m not a lady robot!

What!?

Why would you think I was a girl?

Is it my built-in sunglasses?

Kinda. And there’s also all the pink. And your expansive booby region.

What? A guy can’t wear pink? I look good in pink. And what would a transformer do with boobies? That’s just where I keep my spare tire.

Yeah, no, yeah. Pink suits you. Yeah.

Do I need to fucking show it to you?!

Fuck man! Put that shit away, Arcee!

You didn’t think I was a girl, did you Blurr?

Ooooooh

Uh….

Yeah, I kinda did.

Fuck man!

If I was a girl, why would I make out with that gay ass Bumblebee at the Autobot Christmas party?

WHAT!?

Hahaha! He’s kidding! He’s kidding!

No I’m not.

Wait…uh…but…

Hey guys! Look over there!

::SPEEDS AWAY::

Will you schmucks get your asses back to Autobot City!

We’ll be right there Optimus!

Hey Arcee, wait a second.

Yeah?

There’s something I’ve been wanting to try.

Knock that gay shit off, before I start busting skulls!

THE END

Source for pics.

So I finally tuned into American Idol this season. I don’t watch until there are only 12 contestants left. I don’t like the auditions and episodes with themes make me excited.

One word reviews:

Ace: Hot
Bucky: Feathered
Chris: Microphone
Elliott: Who?
Katharine: Breasts
Kellie: Twang
Kevin: Wee
Lisa: Cute
Mandisa: Fabulous
Melissa: Tolerable
Paris: Loser
Taylor: Ew

Okay, I realize these reviews are very superficial, and hardly based on musical talent.

Oh, were you expecting a “but” to follow that? Well then you clearly misjudged me.

Thank you Cityrag!

He’s a maniac!

Too fast for digital imagery!

Sometimes I like to just doodle for no reason whatsoever and see what I some with. Occassionally as I draw, I am inspired with a witty drawing and it becomes a Puntabulous post. Other times I end up with a load of crap.

I was going through some older files on my computer and found some of my doodles that were deemed not funny enough to be posted. They still aren’t funny, but I will post them anyway. Here is a showcase of my random doodles that went absolutely nowhere:

I drew this around Christmas time. Something about a holly jolly sleigh ride to hell. I don’t know. This is just the beginning of a whole lot of not funny!

This little guy was meant to be the sidekick of MY ALTER-EGO YO-YO MAN. His name was to be Yo-Yo Boy. But alas, he didn’t make the cut.

Something about being trapped in an alternate universe. The barking rabbit makes me giggle, but otherwise, a complete waste of time.

I was going to write a post about those awful times as a child when you would try to go down a slide only to realize that the sun had heated it up to a scorching level. You would then slide down miserably. Or even worse, you were wearing shorts and your skin would run up against it, slowing your descent. Perhaps I would have made a dirty pun about “going down”. But even one pun can be a pun too many.

Funny because I often have this problem. Not funny enough for its own post.

I don’t even know what the fuck was I thinking with this shit.

Here at Puntabulous, I love to maintain a healthy lifestyle. And nothing would give me more pleasure than to share my secrets with you.

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I seriously HATE Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I hope you enjoy that Dr. Suess room when you’re 16 little girl!

But this is a new low:

White people need as much help as they can get.

Let’s face it. As Robertj so elequently pointed out, sometimes, I’m just not that funny. I apologize for my random spouts of unfunniness. I work full time and hang out with friends and all the normal New York City stuff and sometimes blogging gets pushed to the back burner. I don’t claim to be extremely funny. No one was more shocked than I was when Gawker linked to me. I try and take everyday things and put a silly spin on them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Anyway, I guess I’m trying to say that not nice comments make me not happy. Luckily there is something that always makes me feel better.

Killing Cupid

There, that’s better.

Oh, and I’ll try and do at least one photo story a week since I know they are usually pretty funny. So stayed tuned for more cardboard Natalie Portman spousal abuse!

An unsettling smell reaches your nostrils. You start to panic. Your heart begins to beat slightly faster. Your breathing increases ever so slightly.

That’s right: You think you stepped in dog poop.

What do you do? Do you stop right there and check underneath your shoes or do you keep walking casually? Did I mention you’re on a busy New York City street? Well you are. And you know as well as I do, that it is no easy feat to check under your shoes.

It’s a delicate balancing act that requires patience, a clear mind and something to lean on. And there is nothing casual about checking under your shoes for dog poop either. There is no other reason in the world to check the bottom of your shoes. And there is no way to check under your shoes without bringing your feet up noticeably off the ground.

Once you check under your shoes there are only two things that could happen.

A) You can have dog poop on your shoe. Everyone around you will point and laugh. (This is New York after all.) And I need not mention the horror that is cleaning dog poop off your shoe. Oh, and you’re wearing your favorite Sketchers with loads of crevices on the sole for poop to reside in.

B) You can NOT have dog poop on your shoe. This is of course a better scenario, but then paranoia begins to spread throughout the crowd. Everyone is now checking under their shoes to see if they have dog poop on them. Even if they don’t smell anything, they saw you checking and are now worried that they are the unlucky victim of a poop versus shoe hit and run. Perhaps someone is standing too close to a subway platform. They are being cocky and overconfident about their balancing skills. Before you know it, they fall on the Subway tracks and are consequently run over by the coming train.

Look at what the fuck you did.