Here is a list of things I don’t understand:
1. Why do we define ourselves by our career?
A: “What do you do?”
B: “I work at a consultant firm.”
A: “Oh really? That’s all you do? What a loser. I hate you.”
2. Why didn’t me and my sister get picked to be on “Amazing Race”? Gay siblings? That should be a reality show producer’s dream! And our audition video was so adorable! Bastards. Also, AMAZING RACE SPOILER!!! Why hasn’t there been a non-elimination round this season yet? I just finished watching last night’s episode. What the fuck!?
3. Why don’t others perceive Catwoman as the cinematic masterpiece that it is?
Catwoman ordering a drink at the bar: “White Russian, hold the vodka, hold the kahlua.”
Get it?! She just ordered cream! Isn’t that funny!? Oh forget it.
4. Why would Jade from “America’s Next Top Model” think she’s pretty? She’s not. Her hair is gross, and her skin is perpetually shiny.
5. Why would guys have nipple rings? Nipple pleasure confuddles me.
6. In writing, “douche” looks like it should be such a pretty word, like an expensive French chocolate, yet it sounds so disgusting. I don’t think it’s just the definition either. It really is just a gross sounding word.
7. Where the fuck did Judy Winslow go? My theory is that she stumbled into Steve/Stefan’s transformation machine and went on to star in her own self-titled sitcom “Reba”.
8. Why didn’t the White Witch just kill Edmund when she had the chance to prevent the prophesy of the four thrones being filled from coming true? But then again, everything Tilda Swinton did was utter perfection, so who am I to question?
9. Why didn’t Jack and Ennis move to San Francisco? It was the Swinging 60’s after all! Yes, yes, I know, “they shouldnt’ have to”, blah, blah, blah. God, I’m so insensitive.
10. Why don’t we have Moon colonies by now? My dream of retiring to the Moon, complaining about how they let all the young hooligans move there, and under tipping hard-working Moon waitresses will never come true.
