Puntabulous

If one ever finds themselves trapped in the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future. Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are always shocked when they hear all the things they missed in the last 1,000 years.

To prevent yourself from looking foolish at a dinner party, here is a brief timeline of events that occured in the 2000’s:

2057: Lucky Charms reinvents itself by taking out the cereal pieces, leaving only the marshmallows. Mild seizures occur. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

2283: Saran Wrap outlawed for being a sucky product.

2284: Satan Wrap introduced to the market. One soul is all it takes to get those leftovers kept nice and fresh for tomorrow’s lunch.

2285: Tin Foil companies mysteriously vanish from the Earth. Sales in Satan Wrap skyrocket.

2402: Evolutionists celebrate as evolution is scientifically studied in real time as killer sharks roam the streets of New York. Creationists pretend not to notice.

2681: Sun burns out and the Earth is thrust into an icy darkness. The Ben Afflekatron and Bruce Willisbot 5000 take a rag tag team of misfits and perform a convoluted mission to get the Sun burning again. Liv Tyler still considered a terrible actress.

2745: The alien race of Kelarthians arrive on planet Earth. Episodes of “Lois & Clark” are just reaching their homeworld 10.83 lightyears away. They threaten to obliterate the human race if they are not told where Lois and Clark got the baby in the end. Humans quickly distract them with episodes of “Desperate Housewives”. But it was only a matter of time before they get to season 2 and the Kelarthians threaten bodily harm once again.

2803: Joan Rivers passes away.

2947: God reveals himself and claims he had no idea what he was doing when he created the Earth. He says it was only a side project to get him out of the house when Mrs. God was in one of her moods. “You know what I’m talking about fellas,” he said. Explains that the first humans really were Adam and Steve. Eve was created later to tell them how gorgeous they were and complain about how all the good ones are either gay or gay. Heterosexuality was created during Steve’s experimental college years. It had almost been a perfect world.