Back by popular demand! (You dirty bastards)

A junk e-mail I received today:

Subject: Your POWER!

Cialis, or Super Viagra, is used to treat erectile dysfunction, more commonly known as impotence. A man is impotent if he cannot achieve an erect penis for sexual activity.

The phrase “Super Viagra” got me thinking. And I may have come up with a new recurring character for Puntabulous.

Just to clarify, I giggled like a little school girl while drawing these.

When travelling to the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: INTERPLANETARY TRAVEL

By the year 3000, interplanetary travel is as commonplace as mothers eating their young. There are a few rules, that one should keep in mind when travelling interplanetarily:

1) When travelling to an uncharted world, one should bring a few people you don’t know along. If you run into any trouble, chances are they will be the first ones killed. Never, under any circumstances bring your best friend. Depending on the genre of the planet, they could be in some very serious danger.

2) Don’t over pack! Pack smart! Don’t waste space with inessentials such as oxygen or food. While heavy artillery is recommended, the most important item you can bring to an unchartered planet is your “lucky” thing. Whether it be a small knick-knack, a pack, or even a necklace given to you by your dying mother before leaving you on a set of church steps. This item will single handedly save your life.

3) Don’t drink the water. Especially if it is given to you by a Fenerian Spider Monkey. The water is fine, they just use it as a distraction so they can fling poo at you.

4) Keep in mind that all planets will have a single environment. In fact, Earth is the only planet in the universe to have multiple climates and topographies.

5) With any luck, the inhabitants of the planet you land on will live exactly like an ancient Earth civilization. Not because this helps you survive or fit in any easier, but because it makes it more relatable to the audience.

Congratulations! You are now ready to travel to a new and exciting world! By the way, in the future, mothers ritually eat their young.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future CLICK HERE!

The Storyteller:

Once there was a strange old man,
With so many tales to tell,
That his head was always full,
His mind a knowledge well.

He could tell so many stories,
Am I the only one to see?
Way beyond this strange, old man,
The storyteller that was he.

Alright my lovelies, we have something very important to discuss: Paris Hilton’s new single “Stars are Blind”.

Before we get into the song, let’s discuss my history with Paris Hilton. Actually, let’s take it one step further back and discuss my thoughts on the “blonde bombshell” celebrity.

I love Jenny McCarthy. I love her. I think she’s genuinely very funny. Not only can she do good comedy, but I think she’s creatively very funny also. Have you read her books? You should. Especially you mommy bloggers out there. They’re funny!

Next there is Pamela Anderson. While I don’t think she’s as naturally (Ha! Natural!) funny as Jenny McCarthy, I think she’s a genius for capitalizing on her status as a blonde bombshell to get an awesome career for herself. And in the interviews I’ve seen of her, she seems to have a great personality too. I love the way she is able to make fun of herself and her dumb blonde persona.

Now on to Paris Hilton. I hate her. (Read: HATE HER) She’s done absolutely nothing to get where she is now. She has zero personality. I heard her doing an interview on the radio the other day and the DJ asked her to tell a dumb blonde joke. She refused. Is it because she is defending herself and blondes everywhere? Or is it because she has absolutely no personality or sense of humor whatsoever? I’m leaning towards the latter.

Oh! And I was totally saying “That’s Hot” back when I was in college before she was famous. She stole it from me. That bastard.

Okay, finally, onto Paris Hilton’s new single. It’s good. Like, really good. Yes, yes, it’s purely bubble gum pop, but it’s good bubble gum pop!

However, there’s one thing that confuses me. It doesn’t sound a thing like her. I can’t detect even the slightest hint of her voice in the song. Although perhaps that’s only because she’s always talking with that fake, purring, “that’s hot” voice she always uses, and we’ve never actually heard her use her real voice.

But! Do you remember that episode of “Friends” where Phoebe got a record deal and filmed a video for “Smelly Cat”? And it turned out they didn’t use Phoebe’s voice, they used some other poor struggling artist woman’s voice instead?

Just sayin!

By the planned deadlines, I can only venture to guess that these two scientific endeavors are somehow related. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t really see the importance of China doing the Moon Walk. Now, if they do the Moon Walk while walking on the Moon, then and only then might I be impressed.

Please note the painstaking detail of the above picture. My equipment is sophisticated enough to detect the motion lines caused by doing the Moon Walk. However, it isn’t sophisticated enough to detect Florida.

So I take the train to work. I pretend to be smart and take a book with me, but it’s really just for show. I pretend to read a few pages before falling into a sweet, illiterate slumber.

But something that disturbs me is when I wake up, and there are no longer people sitting next or around me. If it happened once or twice, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But it’s been happening EVERYDAY. I even woke up once to see the person who was once sitting next to me, sitting in the other aisle.

What exactly am I doing in my sleep to drive everyone away? It always starts off innocently enough. But something tells me it goes downhill very quickly.

Perhaps I’ll never know.

Why do I feel like I’m reliving THIS again?

I’ve always known that my Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future weren’t that big of a crowd pleaser, but to not get a single solitary comment on my last post is a little discouraging. My gentle heart can only take so much!

Confession: I enjoy writing the Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future. For whatever reason, I think they are pretty funny. I want to build up a large collection of them. I think they would make a cute little book that I could go sell at dorky science fiction conventions. But if they really are THAT heinous, I will stop writing them.

Do you normally like them, but today’s was just god awful? Or are they always unamusing? And no, telling me not to write them for the sake of concentrating on more Natalie Portman posts isn’t an acceptable answer.

Thoughts?

If one ever finds themselves stuck in the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: SCIENTIFIC ADVANCEMENT

Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are always shocked to see the advances in science in the civilization of the future. Here is an easy guide to understanding the scientific advances of the future:

TELEPORTATION:

In 2893, the first teleportation machine was created. Thousands flocked to try the machine for themselves. However, since only one machine was created, no one is quite sure where (and when) the teleporters travelled to.

NUTRITION:

Also in 2893, Soylent Green hits the market. It quickly becomes a huge sucess. Mmmm, delicious!

WEAPONRY:

In 2204, a sword made entirely out of light is created. It isn’t as random or clumsy as a blaster, however it does make you look a little gay.

BIONICS:

After a freak parachuting accident in 2170, the first fully integrated bionic appendages were used to save the life of an average woman. The procedure was thought to be a success until it was later found that everything the patient did occured in slow motion. The source of a bizarre music which occured during these times was sadly never found. The project was quickly deemed a failure and thusly abandoned. The patient never acted in anything decent again.

COMPUTING:

By the year 2561, personal computers became so small that they could be implanted inside the human brain and henceforth carried around and used at all times. Public masturbation runs rampant.

LIGHT:

In 2713, a lightbulb was created using a tiny hydrogen reactor, which prevented the bulb from ever burning out. Public masturbation runs rampant.

CLONING:

The first human was cloned in 2067. For the small price of $4,500,000, a person could own an exact replica of themselves. Some suckees might feel this is a bit overpriced, but to this I say: BEST PURCHASE EVER.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future: CLICK HERE!

My grandfather died of a strock. It was especially tough to deal with since no one knew what the fuck a strock was.