Puntabulous

If one ever finds themselves stuck in the future, it is important to know the customs and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: SCIENTIFIC ADVANCEMENT

Suckees — people brought to the future by being sucked through a wormhole — are always shocked to see the advances in science in the civilization of the future. Here is an easy guide to understanding the scientific advances of the future:

TELEPORTATION:

In 2893, the first teleportation machine was created. Thousands flocked to try the machine for themselves. However, since only one machine was created, no one is quite sure where (and when) the teleporters travelled to.

NUTRITION:

Also in 2893, Soylent Green hits the market. It quickly becomes a huge sucess. Mmmm, delicious!

WEAPONRY:

In 2204, a sword made entirely out of light is created. It isn’t as random or clumsy as a blaster, however it does make you look a little gay.

BIONICS:

After a freak parachuting accident in 2170, the first fully integrated bionic appendages were used to save the life of an average woman. The procedure was thought to be a success until it was later found that everything the patient did occured in slow motion. The source of a bizarre music which occured during these times was sadly never found. The project was quickly deemed a failure and thusly abandoned. The patient never acted in anything decent again.

COMPUTING:

By the year 2561, personal computers became so small that they could be implanted inside the human brain and henceforth carried around and used at all times. Public masturbation runs rampant.

LIGHT:

In 2713, a lightbulb was created using a tiny hydrogen reactor, which prevented the bulb from ever burning out. Public masturbation runs rampant.

CLONING:

The first human was cloned in 2067. For the small price of $4,500,000, a person could own an exact replica of themselves. Some suckees might feel this is a bit overpriced, but to this I say: BEST PURCHASE EVER.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future: CLICK HERE!