Why can’t I ever just stand there and be quiet? Why do I insist on trying to make a joke at every available moment?

So I’m in this really important person’s office at work. And he asks his assistant about the shredder they have, and whether it is heavy duty or not. And she says “Oh yes, it’s very powerful. It can do 20 pages at a time, credit cards, plastic sheets, anything you want.”

I take it upon myself to interject: “And small children.”

Never has a room been more silent.

I thought I was pretty funny.

You’ll need to excuse the blatant gender stereotypes.

Top five things that make me a man:

1) I have one pair of sneakers. When these get worn out, I will throw them away and buy a new pair. This usually happens once a year. There is no coordinating with my outfit.

2) I will die happy, knowing I never had a manicure or peticure. I would also never use the phrase “mani-peti”.

3) I know how to avoid getting caught in a tractor beam.

4) I know what a tractor beam is.

5) I’m very gasy in the morning, and I generally don’t care who is in bed with me, it’s coming out. Just keep your head out from under the sheets and we’ll all get through this. (And why does nobody want to date me again?)

Top five things that make me a woman:

1) I played in my High School marching band for 4 years. I had to go to every home football game. I still have no fucking clue how that game works.

2) I still have trouble killing bugs. If I’m lucky, I can trap it under a paper cup and have a big strong man kill it for me (or my mom).

3) I wish I were Wonder Woman. Sometimes I practice her twirling. You know, just in case.

4) Colin Firth, wet shirt scene. Nuff said.

5) I fantasize about my wedding day. This is a particularly embarrassing one, but in my defense: BEST WEDDING EVER.

Nothing says: “Thanks for the college education, Dad!” quite like an e-card.

I hope you guys didn’t think I forgot Natalie Portman, my wife’s birthday on friday. She turned the big TWO FIVE. Yup, she’s a cradle robber!

Here is how we celebrated:

First I made her favorite breakfast and brought it up to her in bed.

Then I did that special thing in between her legs that she loves so much.

Bang! Bang! Die, Jar Jar, die!

Let’s have a pirate themed birthday party! You know, like her movie!

AAAARRRRGGGG!

I hate you all.

EEK! Dad! I think you went a bit overboard with the pirate theme! You look so scary!

What pirate theme?

Oh, you’re such a kidder Dad! For Natalie Portman, my wife’s birthday!

Oh hello, Natalie.

Oh hello, Bea.

grumble grumble

grumble grumble

Time for birthday doughnut!

Be careful sweetie, you’re flammable. Don’t forget to make a wish!

wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish

AAAHHHHH!!!!

We’ll meet again Natalie Portman!

Oh my God! You just killed my Dad!

Oh look! One more candle!

wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish

Hmmm, something feels different. I suddenly feel the urge hide my emotions and scratch my crotch

Oh fuck, I’m butch!

Happy Birthday to me!

For more Puntabulous Photo Albums, CLICK HERE!

Yay! Thanks to Paul at Victoly. The problem is solved!

I moved everything back to the way it was.

Enjoy!

The problem still isn’t fixed. I e-mailed my webhost and hopefully they will get back to me.

In the meantime, I moved the entire contents of PUNTABULOUS DATING LIFE to the main page for your reading pleasure. You just can’t comment on it until the problem is resolved, which is probably for the best.

While I’m on the subject of my dating life, click the link to get more information than you want to know.

,

Dear Woman in my Class,

Hey there. How are you? You seem like a nice enough lady. You wear pretty clothes. Your hair is smooth and shiny. In spite of these things, I’m afraid to say that I hate you with every fiber of my being.

Let’s travel back to the first class we had together. You were there, right? Remember when the professor said that if we do all the homeworks, that we would all most likely get A’s? You do? Good.

THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING UP SO MUCH CLASS TIME WITH YOUR IDIOTIC QUESTIONS!?

School is not for learning, it’s for getting good grades. Remember that and we’ll get along just fine.

Love always,
Craig

PS- It didn’t help matters when the professor retorically asked who in the class was truly, completely satisfied with ther current jobs, and you were the only one who raised their hand. Bitch.