PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE FUTURE

If my “Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future” were a book, this would be the first chapter:

Greetings!

Welcome to the World of Tomorrow!

Well for you it’s the world of tomorrow; for me it’s the world of today. Actually it’s the world of today for you also, but not the today you are accustomed to. Just “today” meaning “today”. By all means, if you are reading this book, you have somehow found yourself in yesterday’s tomorrow. Or if it makes things simpler, you can think of it as tomorrow’s yesterday. But don’t get it confused with today’s tomorrow because that hasn’t happened yet; or tomorrow’s today because that’s just a ridiculous way of looking at things. So technically you are from the world of yesterday. But not “yesterday” meaning “yesterday”; “yesterday” meaning many yesterdays ago. But somehow you made it from yesterday’s yesterday, through yesterday’s tomorrow and into tomorrow’s yesterday being today.

With me? Good.

Believe it or not, I too came from the past. This makes me the ideal candidate to be guiding you through the first steps of your new and exciting life in the future. I was once like you: young, naive, uglier than sin. But look how I’ve grown. I’m gorgeous. The young swallow has left its nest and roosted in a new and even better nest. Bigger than my first, more private, and air conditioned.

Leave all your preconceived notions of the future in the past. No one wears shiny metals suits, there’s no such things as laser blasters, and aliens do not have any interest in mating with us (not matter how much we try). In fact there is none of that ridiculousness. The world of the future is much more based in reality than those from the past would ever suspect. People still go to work everyday, the sun still rises in the East, and April 15th is still Tax Day. The only differences are that people commute to work on dolphins, the sun is a beautiful shade of lavender, and rather than taking a large portion of our salaries, the Culcari Overlords take a large portion of the human population.

But let’s not be too hasty! I do not mean to say that the world is so similar to that of the past that you do not need to read this book. In fact, this book is so essential that you should have read it before even coming to the future. What were you thinking? It’s dangerous! It’s no excuse that this book wasn’t published in the time you came from. We of the future don’t let little things like the time-space continuum stop us. Really now, that’s just being lazy.

Don’t think I didn’t just hear you grumble at me. Yeah, I hear you. Books can do that now. Bet you didn’t know that, huh? Bet there are lots of things you didn’t know about future stuff. But if you don’t want any help, then by all means, stop reading and put me down.

Wait! Pick me back up! I was just kidding! Geez.

Alright, now that we have that out of our system, let’s continue, shall we? There are lots of stuff you don’t know; and there are lots of stuff that I do know. Ideally we should make a perfect pair. But not in that way, because our only connection is through this book and I would suspect that it could lead to some very painful and difficult-to-explain paper cuts.

So sit back, relax, find a place that hasn’t been overrun by Galaxian Raptor Beetles, and get ready to learn!

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