My face is so greasy.

HOW GREASY IS IT?!

My face is so greasy…

That my pillow is invisible by morning.

That Colonel Sanders kills just as many Craigs as he does chicken to harvest them for the grease necessary to cook his chicken.

That I’m not allowed to fly on planes.

If I were the president of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, or even just an actor portraying the president of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, who somehow still had power over the decisions made by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, I would just have a 3 hour telecast of Conan O’Brien with a scroll along the bottom announcing the winners.

Now for the run down!

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series:

Cheryl Hines, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”
Alfre Woodard, “Desperate Housewives”
Jaime Pressly, “My Name Is Earl”
Elizabeth Perkins, “Weeds”
Megan Mullally, “Will & Grace”

I’m sure Alfre Woodard is glad she didn’t win, so she wouldn’t make the regular cast feel bad for not even getting nominated. I’m also sure Alfre Woodard is gladder to be off the show. Oh snap! Don’t worry, I’m still addicted to the damn show. Gabby fighting with the Nun in the church. Hysterical!

Supporting Actor, Drama Series:

William Shatner, “Boston Legal”
Oliver Platt, “Huff”
Michael Imperioli, “The Sopranos”
Gregory Itzin, “24″
Alan Alda, “The West Wing”

I never once watched an episode of “The West Wing”. But in my defense, Alan Alda never watched an episode of me. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure President Logan has watched me in my sleep.

Supporting Actress, Drama Series:

Candice Bergen, “Boston Legal”
Sandra Oh, “Grey’s Anatomy”
Chandra Wilson, “Grey’s Anatomy”
Blythe Danner, “Huff”
Jean Smart, “24″

If you look closely enough, you can see Jean Smart dunking her own head in a sink full of water in the audience.

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series:

Will Arnett, “Arrested Development”
Jeremy Piven, “Entourage”
Bryan Cranstoan, “Malcolm in the Middle”
Jon Cryer, “Two nd a Half Men”
Sean Hayes, “Will & Grace”

First off, “Malcolm in the Middle” is still on? Oh, Jeremy Piven wins! But “Malcolm in the Middle”? Really?

Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie:

Kelly Macdonald, “The Girl in the Cafe”
Shirley Jones, “Hidden Places”
Ellen Burstyn, “Mrs. Harris”
Cloris Leachman, “Mrs. Harris”
Alfre Woodard, “The Water Is Wide”

Oh sorry, I ran and got a beer during this category.

Variety, Music or Comedy Series:

“The Colbert Report”
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart”
“Late Night With Conan O’Brien”
“Late Show With David Letterman”
“Real Time With Bill Maher”

Dirty Liberals. It starts off innocently enough. John Stewart wins an Emmy. Before you know it, people will want to marry their horse. Frankly, I think any relationship that is conducive to barebacking should be outlawed.

Tribute to Dick Clark:

Aw, don’t boo Simon Cowell! It’s not his fault his stylist let him out of the house with his shirt unbottoned that much. Wow. He’s an amazing person and my heart goes out to him, but seeing Dick Clark sure is a buzz kill.

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie:

Denis Lawson, “Bleak House”
Hugh Dancy, “Elizabeth I”
Jeremy Irons, “Elizabeth I”
Robert Carlyle, “Human Trafficking”
Clifton Collins Jr., “Thief”

Hugh Dancy is dreamy. He played Galahd in the movie “King Arthur”. What? You didn’t know that?

**In case you were wondering, during the last commercial break, I spit while peeing, and it landed on my shirt. That’s generally why gay guys shouldn’t be allowed to spit.**

Actor, Miniseries or a Movie:

Charles Dance, “Bleak House”
Donald Sutherland, “Human Trafficking”
Ben Kingsley, “Mrs. Harris”
Jon Voight, “Pope John Paul II”
Andre Braugher, “Thief”

In a year where “Bloodrayne” and “A Sound of Thunder” hit theaters, I’m pretty sure they should have thrown Ben Kingsley a “chin up there champ” Emmy bone.

Actor, Comedy Series:

Larry David, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”
Kevin James, “The King of Queens”
Tony Shalhoub, “Monk”
Steve Carell, “The Office”
Charlie Sheen, “Two and a Half Men”

Yay! Steve Carell won! Woo hoo! (I always did have a hard time accepting the truth. Just like I plan on ignoring how much weight Candace Bergen put on.)

Made-for-TV Movie:

“Flight 93″
“The Flight That Fought Back”
“The Girl in the Cafe”
“Mrs. Harris”
“Yesterday”

Mmmmmm…beeeeeer.

Reality Series (Competition):

“The Amazing Race”
“American Idol”
“Dancing with the Stars”
“Project Runway”
“Survivor”

Uh, did the voters even see the Family Edition season? But then again, maybe they’re just as mad as I am that Lisa Rinna didn’t win “Dancing with the Stars”.

Miniseries:

“Bleak House”
“Elizabeth I”
“Into the West”
“Sleeper Cell”

Man, these beer breaks are starting to come faster than when I lost my virginity. Ba Dum Bum.

Actress, Miniseries or a Movie:

Kathy Bates, “Ambulance Girl”
Gillian Anderson, “Bleak House”
Helen Mirren, “Elizabeth I”
Judy Davis, “A Little Thing Called Murder”
Annette Bening, “Mrs. Harris”

Get back in your cage Gillian Anderson!

Actress, Drama Series:

Kyra Sedgwick, “The Closer”
Geena Davis, “Commander in Chief”
Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”
Frances Conroy, “Six Feet Under”
Allison Janney, “The West Wing”

I think it’s only fair that Mariska won since her show is the only one still on the air. Oh please, we all know “The Closer” doesn’t count!

Actress, Comedy Series:

Lisa Kudrow, “The Comeback”
Jane Kaczmarek, “Malcolm in the Middle”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “The New Adventures of Old Christine”
Stockard Channing, “Out of Practice”
Debra Messing, “Will & Grace”

Lisa Kudrow totally should have won, but I like Julia Louis-Dreyfus so I guess it’s okay. But wait, “Malcolm in the Middle” is still on? And getting Emmy nominations? Really? Where’s my beer?

Actor, Drama Series:

Christopher Meloni, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”
Denis Leary, “Rescue Me”
Peter Krause, “Six Feet Under”
Kiefer Sutherland, “24″
Martin Sheen, “The West Wing”

WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?

Comedy Series:

“Arrested Development”
“Curb Your Enthusiasm”
“The Office”
“Scrubs”
“Two and a Half Men”

While this win does lead me to believe that there is a God, I would be more convinced if the Earth spun backwards, reversing time, allowing “Veronica Mars” to get nominated for something. Oh wait, that would make me believe in Superman. Hmmm.

Drama Series:

“Grey’s Anatomy”
“House”
“The Sopranos”
“24″
“The West Wing”

If you think about it, “24″ is exactly like the Emmy telecast: Doing the easiest task in the most eleborate, drawn out way possible. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s my turn to feed the Gillian Anderson.

It finally happened! I orgasmed! Well let me clarify. I spontaneously orgasmed. Although, can it be considered spontaneous if it was brought on by something? Maybe spontaneous is the wrong word. Hmmmmm. Alright, spontaneous it is. So what brought about this glorious mess you ask? The most romantic letter I’ve ever received in my entire life, that’s all!

Now I’ve received romantic letters from people on Myspace before. You can read them HERE and HERE. But this one is by far the best.

Now prepare yourself for some powerful prose:

From: b

Subject: hi

Body: how hung man? trade x pic and face?

Now I understand if it took a while for that to sink in. I had to read it at least 5 or 6 times before the message he was trying to send really hit me. Then — ORGASM.

Let’s take a closer look shall we?

First there’s the subject of his message. “hi” So simple, and yet so profound. Note the lowercase h and i. It really reminded me of the quote by Erich Segal, author of the 1970 novel and film “Love Story”. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” How right you are Erich. How right you are! b, you came in with a whisper, but it went straight into the very depths of my soul.

Next there is the first sentence: “how hung man?”. Why would he ask how hung I am? Do such things actually matter to gay men? Is he a bottom? Does he assume I’m a top? My Myspace pictures aren’t very butch, so it would be interesting if he made that assumption. Or perhaps, just perhaps, he purposely asked me this so I would reevaluate my own perceptions of social stereotypes. It was then that I realized that just because a gay man doesn’t look that butch, doesn’t mean he is a bottom, and visa versa. If that is the case (which I’m sure it is) then I commend you dear b. Thank you for making me face the harsh reality of my own prejudices.

Then there was the creme de la creme. Or as I like to call it, “The Great Morality Test”. He wrote: “trade x pic and face?”. At first I was appalled! Do people really use the internet for such perverted purposes? Could my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ really allow such a sinner box to exist?

But then it hit me! BAM! (ouch) He doesn’t really want x-rated pictures of me. He’s just testing me to see what kind of person I am. I’m sure if I sent him pictures of me naked he would be absolutely repulsed by my poor sense of ethics (not by the pictures of course, I am gorgeous after all).

So there we have it. Like two ships passing in the night, me and b start what I can only assume will be a long and wholesome relationship based upon trust, honesty, and ethical behavior.

Every marriage has it’s problems. Some just handle it in different ways.

Click the link for the full story!

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It’s true, I blatantly got snubbed by Shirley. Yes, yes, I worked at a publishing company with her for 3 years, and I get snubbed on a book tagging spree. One might think, “Maybe she just ran out of room to tag you?”. Actually, no, because she tagged more people than necessary already, so why not add room for little old me? Bastard. That’s right, bastard!

Moving on, Nerddd was wonderful enough to remember me. So clearly she loves me more, and I love her more, and we are going to make lots of multi-cultural babies together. We will also toy with the idea of training them as savage killers bent on destroying all people by the name of Shirley, but we still need to iron out those details. Not to mention that me and the Nerddd are also a crime fighting duo, which I have yet to mention on Puntabulous. One day I will go into long detail of how we sexily fight crime as the Mountain Twins: Katie Mountain (A.K.A. Mountain Cat) and Lionel Mountain (A.K.A. Mountain Lion). Harrrrrr!

Anywhoo, here goes:

1. One book that changed your life?
Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone by J.K. Rowling. You know how all the media says that Harry Potter is great, because it got young kids interested in reading again? Well it got me (I believe I was 20 and in college at the time) interested in reading also. Now I can’t go anywhere without a book. It’s kinda like carrying around a condom just in case. But in my situation, it’s in case of a long wait in the doctor’s office.

2. One book you have read more than once?
Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton. Dinosaurs: The reason I was a Geology major. I’m just so mad Noah didn’t take them on the ark with him. To think, if only I had been born 6,000 years ago, I could have met those magnificent creatures.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Granted one should pick a longer book to have as your sole source of entertainment on a desert island, I can read that book over and over and over again. It makes me so happy. Plus if I get tired of it, I’ll just fuck a coconut or something. Please note that I do not own this book, so if anyone wants to buy me a present, this is a good place to start.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. I know everyone thinks their family is just like his, but mine really is. So stop your lying, you dirty rotten bastard.

5. One book that made you cry?
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien. “I am no man!” gets me everytime. I believe I was on the train when I last read that one, which was slightly embarrassing. But sometimes you just need to give it up for girl power, y’all!

6. One book you stayed up all night to finish?
Sphere by Michael Crichton. Do not hold the crappy movie starring Sharon Stone against this book. You must read it immediately. Crazy killer computer program? Check. Crazy killer squid attacking submarines? Check. Crazy killer unresolved endings that make you wonder? Check.

7. One book that took you too long to read?
The Once and Future King by T.H. White. Way too long to read. Way too good to give up on. Plus it was mentioned in X-Men 2. Hello! Clearly I will do anything Bryan Singer tells me to.

8. One book you are currently reading?
The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis. Going through the Chronicles of Narnia (again). I love childrens books. They’re so fun and innocent, and yet sometimes children make the best action heroes. And other times you just want them to get the fuck off your lawn or lower their darn rock and roll music.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
I love series of books so there are a couple of series I’ve been meaning to read for a long time now, but haven’t yet. The top of my list would either be The Wheel of Time Series by Robert Jordan or the Dragonriders of Pern Series by Anne McCaffrey. As a general rule I like to avoid talking about my taste in books on first dates for reasons such as this.

10. Now tag five people.
No. I’ve been hurt too badly by the tagging process to do it to others.

If one ever finds themselves stuck in the future, it is important to know the culture and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: Staying Young and Gorgeous in the Future

If you thought you left the days of superficiality behind you, if you thought you moved to a more enlightened era of human history, if you thought you were taken to a time and place where the old and ugly of the world could live free, without fear of persecution, fear not! You haven’t! The struggle to stay ageless still continues to this day.

In 2297 the world’s aging problem was thought to have been solved forever; The Fountain of Youth had been found. What a marvelous occasion that had been. People came out of their salons, their bordellos of beauty, their confines of cosmetics, and rejoiced. There was singing. Oh, the most joyous of singing! Happiness sprung from the oceans of wrinkly despair. People flocked like ugly ducklings to get a chance to keep their youth forever.

However, it was soon discovered that the Fountain of Youth had a severe catch. The problem was that the Fountain of Youth worked too well. By stepping just one toe (even that useless nubbin of flesh and bone called a pinky toe) inside the Fountain caused the user to be immediately thrust back into toddlerhood. Before anyone could stop themselves it was too late. The Fountain was suddenly stocked full of chubby-cheeked, thunder-thighed two-year-olds. While to some this image may seem “precious” or “adorable” or “unobjectionable”, just for a moment step back and think about the ramifications of hundreds of non-toilet-trained, two-year-olds in a public pool.

Gross.

After the problematic Fountain of Youth was burned to the ground (I wonder what ever happened to those babies?) another method of youthful aging had to be found. Humans briefly toyed with the idea of killing the nerve muscles on one’s face to allow the muscles to relax and the skin to smooth out. This idea was quickly struck down when people realized that it included KILLING THE NERVE MUSCLES ON ONE’S FACE.

Humans took the next logical step: robotics. Hell, if you’re going to look like a robot, you might as well get all the benefits. It started off innocent enough, a mechanical heart valve here, a cybernetic cornea there. But eventually - as things tend to go - the humans got out of hand. Full brain transplants into robotic shells became commonplace. It grew to be so routine that it became nearly impossible to tell the personality-void robots from blondes.

Those who did not wish to give into the cybernetic trend continued to struggle for years to maintain their youth and health. It was not until 2962 when an archaeological excavation uncovered the works of Hippocrates (460-377 B.C.) who determined that bathing in urine was an excellent way to preserve immunities and maintain youthful skin and appearance. Desperate to hold onto their youth, humans flocked to the only source of urine large enough to supply them all: The Fountain of Youth. It was not until they reached their destination that they remembered the fabled Fountain had been burned to the ground centuries before. All that was left was an empty shell of stone and the scattered remains of an ancient child-sized human subculture long since extinct.

Perhaps these tiny humans were the key to youth? Perhaps their secret is lost forever? Perhaps we’ll never know.

For more Puntabulous Guides to Surviving the Future: CLICK HERE!

This one goes out to all my Battlestar Galactica homeboys and homegirls:

Man created Cylons,
Then Cylons got real mad.
The hot ones like to fuck,
Perhaps they’re not all bad?

Adama is sure tough,
And Tigh sure likes to drink.
Off her glasses come,
When Roslin has to think.

Starbuck’ll kick your ass,
And Chief is quite a bore.
Apollo’s really hot,
He should wear a towel more.

Boomer seduced Helo,
While being on the run.
But time was always made,
For pants off action fun.

Dualla is quite cute,
And Billy is a dork.
I hope it all goes well,
But I think it might not work.

Then there’s Gaius Baltar,
It’s Tom from Bridget Jones!
He acts a little gay,
But it’s Six he always bones.

They’re trying to find Earth,
Before the hammer falls.
When the going gets tough,
The tough say: “So say we all”.

In our free time, me and Natalie Portman, my wife, enjoy making fake music videos (in the form of photo series).

Turnaround…

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.

Turnaround…

Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

Turnaround…

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.

Turnaround…

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.

Turnaround…

Bright eyes! Every now and then I fall apart!

And I need you now tonight!

And I need you more than ever!

And if you’ll only hold me tight, we’ll be holding on forever!

And we’ll only be making it right, cause we’ll never be wrong together!

We can take it to the end of the line, your love is like a shadow on me all the time!

I don’t know what to do, and I’m always in dark.

We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. (huh?)

I really need you tonight!

Forever’s gonna start tonight! Forever’s gonna start tonight!

Take it Natalie Portman, my wife!

Once upon a time, I was falling in love.

But now I’m only falling apart.

There’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

Once upon a time, there was light in my life.

Now there’s only love in the dark.

There’s nothing I can say.

A total eclipse of the heart.

Let me begin this story by telling you about my car. It’s a 1993 Nissan Maxima. While it’s an awesome car, it really really sucks. The trunk likes to pop open randomly. The back window is wedged shut by a piece of cardboard. The automatic locks haven’t worked since I got it. And only half of the stereo speakers work.

So anyway, I was driving home from the train station one night after work, and I get pulled over. Now even though I hadn’t had a drink all night, I’m worried about having to take a sobriety test, because I can’t walk a straight line to save my life. Seriously, if I’m walking down the street with someone, I am constantly bumping into them. So the officer comes up to my window and asks me if I know why I got pulled over. I managed not to say “I hope it’s not to take a sobriety test!” which could have been very suspicious, but for all the wrong reasons. Instead I respond that “I don’t know”. The kind officer informs me that one of my headlights is out and kindly writes me a ticket. My first ticket! Gad! But he tells me if I get it fixed the next day, and bring proof to the local police precinct that the ticket will be taken away.

So the next day, my dad replaces the headlight, but it still doesn’t work! Apparently there was something wrong with the electricity in my car. But the thought of paying the $30 ticket was absolutely appalling! So I hatch a plan to take the receipt and box for the new headlight and pretend that it’s all fixed and have the ticket taken away. Genius!
I drive to the local police precinct, the handsome (and married, sigh) police officer knows exactly what I’m talking about and begins filling out the paperwork to have the ticket taken away. Then he hits me:

Naturally I was already committed to my story, so I had to stick with it! I go out to my car and pull it around to the front of the precinct. The officer comes out as I prepare for my Academy Award winning performance (or at the very least Golden Globe).

“Just turn on the headlights,” he said.

Casually I turn on the headlights, to which he replied, “Are they on yet?”

Sell it, Craig, sell it! I yelled to myself.

“That’s crazy,” I said aloud. “They were working five minutes ago!”

He seemed to buy my story, but still wouldn’t take my ticket away. He said that if I can get it to work for even a second, that he would take my ticket away. Unable to do so with the power of my subconscious, I left the precinct with my tail between my legs.

When I pull up in my driveway, I’m shocked to see TWO WORKING HEADLIGHTS reflected in the garage door. I had no idea how to react. Should I be annoyed? Should I be happy? Either way, I quickly drive back to the precinct and had the handsome (and married, sigh) police officer take my first ticket away.

I then had to permanently solve the problem.

Click the link to see how I did it! ,

Let me tell you about my Nana. She passed away about two years ago, but she was pretty fantastic when she was alive. Towards the end she had trouble remembering who her family was. Sometimes we were just the nice people who came and gave her hugs and kisses. One time she asked my sister Amanda if I was “the fella she was seeing”, which is just wrong for so many reasons. Two being that my sister played college softball and I won an art contest in junior high for my beautiful rendition of a rainbow (which my parents still have hanging up in our home).

Anyway, a few years before she passed away, when she was still living on her own, I would take her grocery shopping and to McDonalds on weekends. We’d drive in the car having idle conversation about the weather and the Yankees.

One time she asked if I was seeing anyone. When I said no, she replied “Good, have fun”. Now I don’t mean to jump to conclusions, but I’m pretty sure my Nana had just told me to sleep around with as many people as possible.

What she said:

What I heard:

Nana always did seem to give the best advice.

Also, when I went to visit her in the hospital a few days before she passed away, she was being poked and prodded in a million different places, but her last words to me were how handsome I was. So I’m glad to see she still had great judgement until the end.