Puntabulous

If one ever finds themselves stuck in the future, it is important to know the culture and rituals of the civilization of the future.

In today’s edition: Staying Young and Gorgeous in the Future

If you thought you left the days of superficiality behind you, if you thought you moved to a more enlightened era of human history, if you thought you were taken to a time and place where the old and ugly of the world could live free, without fear of persecution, fear not! You haven’t! The struggle to stay ageless still continues to this day.

In 2297 the world’s aging problem was thought to have been solved forever; The Fountain of Youth had been found. What a marvelous occasion that had been. People came out of their salons, their bordellos of beauty, their confines of cosmetics, and rejoiced. There was singing. Oh, the most joyous of singing! Happiness sprung from the oceans of wrinkly despair. People flocked like ugly ducklings to get a chance to keep their youth forever.

However, it was soon discovered that the Fountain of Youth had a severe catch. The problem was that the Fountain of Youth worked too well. By stepping just one toe (even that useless nubbin of flesh and bone called a pinky toe) inside the Fountain caused the user to be immediately thrust back into toddlerhood. Before anyone could stop themselves it was too late. The Fountain was suddenly stocked full of chubby-cheeked, thunder-thighed two-year-olds. While to some this image may seem “precious” or “adorable” or “unobjectionable”, just for a moment step back and think about the ramifications of hundreds of non-toilet-trained, two-year-olds in a public pool.

Gross.

After the problematic Fountain of Youth was burned to the ground (I wonder what ever happened to those babies?) another method of youthful aging had to be found. Humans briefly toyed with the idea of killing the nerve muscles on one’s face to allow the muscles to relax and the skin to smooth out. This idea was quickly struck down when people realized that it included KILLING THE NERVE MUSCLES ON ONE’S FACE.

Humans took the next logical step: robotics. Hell, if you’re going to look like a robot, you might as well get all the benefits. It started off innocent enough, a mechanical heart valve here, a cybernetic cornea there. But eventually - as things tend to go - the humans got out of hand. Full brain transplants into robotic shells became commonplace. It grew to be so routine that it became nearly impossible to tell the personality-void robots from blondes.

Those who did not wish to give into the cybernetic trend continued to struggle for years to maintain their youth and health. It was not until 2962 when an archaeological excavation uncovered the works of Hippocrates (460-377 B.C.) who determined that bathing in urine was an excellent way to preserve immunities and maintain youthful skin and appearance. Desperate to hold onto their youth, humans flocked to the only source of urine large enough to supply them all: The Fountain of Youth. It was not until they reached their destination that they remembered the fabled Fountain had been burned to the ground centuries before. All that was left was an empty shell of stone and the scattered remains of an ancient child-sized human subculture long since extinct.

Perhaps these tiny humans were the key to youth? Perhaps their secret is lost forever? Perhaps we’ll never know.

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