A + B = C

A = Work Party

B = Open Bar

C = Coming out at work

When driving, it is important to remember the essentials. We at Puntabulous are happy to provide a complete list of everything you need when driving.

Click the link for the full story!

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On the six month anniversary of my last faux-coitus (it’s easier to keep track when you don’t do it much), I’m going to make a bold move. There is this guy who has been riding on the train with me in the morning. No, not THIS boy. I haven’t seen him in forever. He is dead to me.

This new guy and I have had quite a romance over these past few days. It started off as innocent glances. But today, it turned into a full-on, carnal, man-on-man, sitting-next-to-each-other, romp.

Fshew! Let me tell you. He gives the best sitting-next-to I’ve gotten in a long time.

Normally we’ve just been making sweet, sweet, eye love from across the aisle, but today he took the first step in what I can only imagine as the everlasting staircase of a loving and fulfulling relationship. He sat next to me. We both fell asleep, so technically we’ve slept together already. Frankly I’m glad to have that out of the way so quickly. And believe it or not, there wasn’t any pointing, laughing, or crying quietly in the bathroom like there normally is.

So I think the next step is to say hi. Hopefully by the next time I post, I will have actually said two words to this person. I’m thinking about “Good morning“, “Hey there“, or “Meet you in the bathroom in two minutes, act casual, and don’t fuck it up“. That last one goes over the two words I have allocated for our first conversation, but it might be worth it. Key words: “might be“. Completely dependent upon him of course. I am perfect at everything I do.

Oddly enough, I’m strangely good at starting up conversations with guys. It’s everything that comes out of my mouth afterwards that’s the problem. But if he’s still interested after watching me read “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” on the train, we’re halfway there.

The top ten things you should know about Olivia:

1. The basics - my name is Olivia. I am seventeen years old and currently live in Mississippi a little south of Memphis, Tennessee. It’s not exactly my choice to live here but I’m stuck here for now so it’s fine. There are a lot of stupid people here, but I guess there’s stupid people everywhere. But here it’s like frozen concentrate orange juice before you add the water, not super spread around, sort of a chunk. Anyway, I’m not from here.

2. I really, really, really, love plastic surgery shows, or any surgery shows for that matter. They seriously gross me out and are the best thing ever to be created. Extreme Makeover, Doctor 90210, golden! And the story of the Face-eating Tumor, luminous…

3. I watch a lot of TV. Not enough to be considered any kind of shut-in freaky weirdo, but still kind of a lot. As I’m writing this I’m watching “Sasquatch” an original SciFi movie event. It’s a picture that truly deserves more than it’s one star rating. With snappy dialogue and to-die-for acting, I’d give it three stars AT LEAST! I really like things like Star Wars and stuff. I had a crazy mad crush on Luke Skywalker when I was younger, up until he got his hand cut off by ol’ Darthy. I can’t love a man who isn’t handier with a light saber.

4. I work at the fine chain restauraunt, Quiznos. I write a lot about that on account of really how many truly interesting things go on there. I work with a lot of interestingly weird poeople who are for the most part very, very nice. I’ve had to be the giant Quiznos cup before and many, many exciting things happen on a daily basis. I’m a fantastic ‘wich maker. That’s what we call sandwiches in the biz. ‘wiches. Not really, I’m lying.

5. I often dream about being either a superhero or sexy spy. How cool would i be then? So super cool. If I were a superhero then I’d fly around or run really fast or have x-ray vision or at least some cool X-Men type power and save people all the time, and look good doing it of course. And if I were to be a sexy spy I’d be all seduce-seduce-kill-steal-the-secret-bomb-codes-seduce.

6. I’m going to be an amazing director/ producer/ writer in about six years. I graduate from high school in May, go to college for three to four years, then I’m giving myself a couple years of “struggling artist” time. If that plan doesn’t work out then I guess I’ll go for the sexy spy dream. If that doesn’t work I’ll use my body to illegally transport organs.

7. I’m pretty much in love with various men on a regular basis. There was Jason Mraz for the longest time, along with John Mayer, Jon Stewart, Hugh Grant, etc, etc. Right now my soul-mate is Callum Blue, who is only the most phenomenally attractive man ever.

8. I dislike most young children that I do not know. And a lot that I do know. I like babies, they’re great. But once you turn six, you are dead to me until your 11th birthday. If this makes me a terrible person with a heart of black darkness then I guess I accept that. They’re just… loud and want me to play with them and I can’t beat them at whatever game or else they’ll cry and I’m a really bad loser.

9. I’m a good kid. I don’t go out to those crazy kid field parties and get wasted or anything like that. I’d rather buy candy with my money than drugs. I love candy! Why would I want drugs? Those are expensive and then you don’t know what’s going on. I have control with candy, and it makes me feel good! And candy is usually under fifty cents for a candy bar. Delicious…

10. I don’t always think things through before I say or do them. Today at work there was Krazy Glue in the cash drawer and it said that it instantly bonded whatever was being glued. So I thought, psht, ya right, that’s crap. I couldn’t find anything to glue together so I put some on my right thumb and pressed it to my ring finger. I’ll have to let you know, Krazy Glue does not lie. I had to ring up two groups of people with my left hand because the right one was… incapacitated.

So there you go, the top ten things you should know about me. I’m not sure how important these things are, but I guess you should know them. I’m very, very excited to be writing for Puntabulous and I hope that you don’t hate me or anything.

Have no fear, Super Viagra is here!

I would do the same for any of my readers. Just don’t look. I get really bad stage fright.

So I got some really great responses to my call for a partner. I’m sure anyone I picked would have done a great job, but for now, I’ve chosen one to join me, and I’m thrilled to present her to you now:

Her name is Olivia, and she will rock your world. Hello! Look at that picture! Anyone who does the robot in front of a giant glass of Coca-Cola is sure to be a terrific addition to Puntabulous. She’s an awesome writer and is sure to be loads of fun. I won’t tell you too much about her now, I’ll leave that up to her. You’ll begin to hear from her next week, and I’m sure you’ll love her just as much as you guys tolerate me.

In other, slightly less exciting news, Google no longer asks you if you really meant “funtabulous” when you search for “puntabulous”.

Then:

Now:

Clearly this means I have become an international internet phenomenon. I’m expecting a call from that drunk ass skank Merriam Webster any day now to find out what the actual meaning of “puntabulous” is so it can be added to her dictionary.

So me and my cousin went to see Sweeney Todd on Broadway last week before it closed this past weekend. It was really good, and funny, and dark. The whole cast played their own instruments on stage which was really cool, so I highly recommend that you see it. Oh wait. Scratch that.

Anyway, the best part though was that we got to go back stage since my cousin is friends with Michael Ceveris who plays Sweeney Todd. Michael was really nice and friendly and all that other stuff I’m supposed to say when meeting people more famous than myself. (Yes, yes, my dearies, there are people more famous that myself.)

But I didn’t even get to the best part yet! The best part was that we had to get backstage by going through the stage door!

“Excuse me! People cooler than you getting through! Excuse me!”

So yeah, that was pretty cool. And after hanging out for a bit, we left through the stage door and there was still a mob of people waiting outside to get autographs. I could tell they wanted to ask for mine, but were too embarrassed, so I signed autographs anyway. Never underestimate the power of an old lady’s left hook. It’s not my fault the bitch didn’t know who I was!

In answer to your two inevitable questions:

1) No, I didn’t really fall as I walked out of the stage door.

2) Yes, I really am as flexible as I look in the second picture. Wink.

Do you think little of yourself? Do you have a sense of humor that only you and a select group of friends enjoy? Do you want to be read by tens of people worldwide?

Then do I have a proposition for you!

I’ve come to terms that 2 or 3 posts a week just won’t cut it around here at Puntabulous. But I don’t have the time to post everyday like I used to. So! I’ve decided to search for a partner to help get Puntabulous back on track. If you’re interested in writing Puntabulous with me, send me a message to my e-mail in the sidebar. Location, Age, Sex, Orientation doesn’t matter, you just have to be funny. But if it comes down to it, I will choose the cute gay guy over the crazy cat lady. But I still want to hear from you crazy cat ladies! (Just in case no cute gay guys apply.)

Here’s what I’m looking for:

1) Self-deprecating humor.

2) Someone who knows their way around MSPaint.

3) Someone who can write 2 or 3 posts a week of normal Puntabulous length.

4) Someone to do it for free. I don’t make money off this website, so neither should you.

5) Just random, silly humor that people will enjoy. Keeping personal stuff to a minimum.

6) Perhaps something new? Celebrity gossip? Link Listings? But with a Puntabulous flare. I’m open to suggestions!

7) Serious inquiries only. I don’t want to bring someone on, and they blog for a few weeks and lose interest. I want you for the long haul!

All posts by the new person will go through me at first (giving you credit of course!) and after a few weeks, I’ll give you the passwords so you can start posting yourself.

So what do you get out of it? Not much. Puntabulous is read by about 200 people a day during the week, less on weekends. So this may be more than what your current blog gets, or maybe you’ve thought about blogging, but just never got around to starting it up.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to be posting as much as I have been these past few months, I just want to be able to update everyday. So if you’re interested, send me an e-mail with either some sample writing, or pictures/drawings, or a link to your current, severely underappreciated blog. I hope to hear from people, and look forward to welcoming a new member to the Puntabulous family!

Slightly (read: very) hungover. Enjoy my adorable godson instead.