Hope everyone has a Happy and Safe Halloween!

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For more Adventures of Super Viagra CLICK HERE!

There’s nothing we love more here at Puntabulous than Holidays. This year, to celebrate Halloween, here is a complete how-to guide for carving pumpkins.

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Okay, so the nominations for the Gay Bloggies were SUPPOSED to be posted yesterday, so the final voting could begin. I made this post that could be easily arranged to say that I WAS or WASN’T nominated. But the nominations haven’t been posted yet, and I don’t have a back-up plan. So let’s just assume I DON’T get nominated. If by some weird accident, I do actually get nominated, I’ll quickly change it, but I wanted to give you guys something to read in the meantime.

Enjoy!

Well, I wasn’t nominated for a Gay Bloggie. Oh well. That’s okay. We all know we’re better than all those mainstream gay websites. Here’s what went down after I found out about not being nominated:

Mmmmmmmm…

Honey, I’m home!

Natalie Portman, my wife! You’re early!

What the hell is going on in here! Who’s in that bed with you!?

Optimus Prime! You Hussy!

Well at least I’m glad to see I’m not the only person you have sex with all your clothes on.

What can I say? I’m hotter with clothes on.

Well what’s the meaning of this!?

Didn’t you hear!? I wasn’t nominated for a Gay Bloggie! Where were you when I needed you?! When I needed some love and affection!?

I was with my bridge club.

Yeah, I don’t believe that for a second.

Optimus was here when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

And his Autobot kung-fu grip is the perfect size!

Well how was it?

I see there’s plenty of tissues left, so it couldn’t have been that good!

Oh my god! How could you ask that!?

Easy: HOW…WAS…IT?

It was okay.

Try again.

Oh my god, it was awful! Two words: Metal Mouth.

And what do you have to say for yourself, Optimus?

Megatron must be stopped. No matter the cost.

Oh don’t play coy with me, Mister “I Give into my Optimus Primal Urges”!

Autobots! Transform, and roll out!

Where are you going, you bastard!?

See? He doesn’t love you the way I love you. Troubled times, and he’s outta here. You love me. You NEED me. Now let’s fuck the way I know you like it.

While watching gay porn and you don’t lay a hand on me?!

Sigh…yes.

YES!

Oh well. Better luck next year! I guess you should go vote anyway.

For more Puntabulous Photo Albums CLICK HERE!

I went to my computer, and it took me about 5 minutes to realize that my mouse was unplugged. Then as I went to put my jacket on at the end of the day, I found that the sleeves were stuffed with paper towels. They are evil geniuses I tell you!

Unfortunately, the peacock had to suffer the consequences.

But hey, I got a promotion, so that’s fun too.

Halloween is quickly approaching! In celebration, here is a super special spooky edition of The Puntabulous Adventures of Super Viagra!

I was trying not to laugh so I look sort of wild animalish/crazy personish.

It happened about two weeks ago, but I’m just getting around to blogging about it. It doesn’t look so bad it that picture, but it was terrible! Really ruined my face.

SO THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED:

It was late thursday evening, and we had just finished a nice little rush. Had a few mean people, but nothing too extreme. We’re cleaning and stocking when a cruel looking fat woman walks in. She has one of those ear phones. She yells at us while we take her order and I get a general feeling that she’s not going to be the easiest customer. After about six minutes of her yelling at us and us remaking and remaking her sandwich over and over, we finally get done. The problem is, there was a to-go order at the same time, and we mixed up her sandwich with one of the to-go ones.

So she has her sandwich that isn’t really hers in the Q tray, and she looks at it (I’m at the register, smiling as best I can) and she goes “This isn’t my fucking sandwich.” and then she chunks her Q at me. So the Q sort of does this spinning boomerang type thing and hit me right in the face. I sort of stumble to the side, and she comes around where the swingy door thing is, and goes “Can’t you fucking morons make a fucking sandwich? How fucking stupid can you be!?” and all I can think to say is, “I’m sorry, we’ll remake it, I’m very sorry ma’am.”

And so apparently this pissed her off more, because then she starts coming at me, and pushes me. I’m pretty much a wimp, so I kinda go “Ahhhahh!” and Aaron (being a strong boy) comes to help. So he comes and asks the lady to please leave and she starts yelling and hitting him. He doesn’t get hurt b/c he’s a strong boy. So I go to the back and see that I’m bleeding now. I can hear that lady yelling and not leaving and now I’m scared she has a gun or something. So I get on my cell phone and call the po-po. The lady asks what my emergency is and I tell her and she doesn’t believe me but then I start kinda freaking out and she tells me that some “units” are in the area and she’ll send them right away.

About two minutes later we see the flashy lights and the po-po is there. I let one in the back door and the other goes to the front and then they tell me to stay towards the back, just in case. So I do. I hear the lady go “Oh ho ho ho! So you called the fucking police! How original!” Then they arrested her and took her away. Then I got police interviewed and told them what happened. We sued that ho’s ass. Quiznos I mean. For assault and disturbing the peace.

Everything up there isn’t true. I made it up. What really happened was that I was doing dishes and one fell down off the rack and hit me in the face, then bounced off my face and hit my wrist. But the first story is way better.

Bye bye.

The girls in the next cubicle wouldn’t stop throwing paper clips and rubber bands over into our cubicle. Drastic measures had to be taken. A quick reconnoissance mission resulted in the capture of their peacock beanie baby.

We sent them this picture. The paper clip and rubber band flinging stopped for a bit, but it didn’t take long to start up again.

Then we sent them this picture. Again, the paper clip and rubber band flinging stopped for a bit, but it didn’t take long to start up again. When I went to inquire why they seemed to have no regard for their precious peacock, they explained that they had no idea what else to do since I didn’t make any demands. I guess I forgot the whole reason for taking a hostage is to start making demands. Woops!

Finally, I sent this picture demanding a can of Coke delivered to our cubicle at 3PM sharp for my afternoon sugar fix. (Opened in front of me to ensure that there was no tampering.)

It was the best Coke ever. I’m glad to say that the peacock was returned unharmed.

That’s right, I am helping to mold the minds of tomorrow via mentoring like a pro. And really, I can’t think of anyone better to influence and shape young minds. I’m fucking awesome!

It all started when I was selected by a council for a leadership class. That was around six weeks ago, and in that time, we learned how to better ourselves, manage time (ya, right.) etc, etc. We knew that at some point in time we would be going to the near-by elementary school to mentor some students that are having some sort of trouble, whether it be at home or school.

Two weeks ago we went for the first time, and I wish I was back in grade school. It’s so much fun! The first day we went to “observe” the classroom and meet our mentee, but I can’t just SIT there! The girl I’m mentoring isn’t doing so hot in school so I totally tutored. I kicked ass at it too. I helped her with least to greatest decimals. That crap is confusing. Then they had art class, and I had a BLAST! We made Halloween cards, and I must say, mine was the very best. The best part is, her class loves me, so I feel SO COOL! It’s the best thing for any person’s self esteem.

When we went back last week she was absent, so I left her an encouraging note telling her to make sure she got her make-up work done and I’d see her the following week. THEN we got to go….wait for it….ON A MINIATURE TRAIN RIDE!!!!! It was the coolest thing EVER! Seriously. It was a biggish little train and about twenty grown folks could be comfortably sat in said awesome train. And…not even to the best part yet…IT SHOT BUBBLES OUT INSTEAD OF STEAM, WHILE PLAYING THE YMCA! Then I had to break it to a friend what the YMCA song was really about. He didn’t believe me but then I let him in on the fact that my Mom’s old friend’s brother was one of the village people, so I know things, Sir.

When we got back to class the next day, we were told that it would be nice of us to buy our mentees a little gift because they love us so much, and nothing buys more love like presents. So I had fun doing that, it’s the best present ever. A necklace with a charm for each of the seven days of the week?!?! That’s right! Rock on, Olivia, rock on.

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous-Counter-Puntabulous! In today’s edition, Craig and Olivia go head to head over one of the most important issues facing our times. Who is the best disgustingly skinny celebrity?

Here we go!

Olivia: As all of the world knows, Nicole Richie is the greatest star of our time. She is not only talented, but is an inspiration to all young girls for how to keep your stick-like figure!

Craig: I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree. Actually no, I’m not so afraid. I’m for Kate Bosworth all the way. She’s like the dark horse of the skinny actress competition. No one expects it from her. She’s Kate Bosworth after all! She was in Blue Crush! But have you seen her lately? Wham! Disgusting!

Olivia: You must be joking dearest Craig. Nicole Richie was the original skinny celeb. Her boobs are melting away, THAT’S skinny! And she’s quite a joker, after being pointed out as super-skinny, she and her dear pal Lindsey Lohan joked about it on MTV. Oh, Nicole, you slay me!

Craig: What does being the original have to do about being the best? Was Richard Harris a better Dumbledore than Michael Gambon? Was Farrah Fawcett a better Charlie’s Angel than Drew Barrymore? Was Optimus Prime a better Autobot leader than Hot Rod? Okay, maybe that last one is a bad example. But the case remains, being the original does not equal being the best.

Olivia: Let’s go over some amazing originals followed by total crap. Original M&M’s, followed by crap crispy ones. Original Cap’n Crunch, followed by nasty crap Crunch Berries. The Orignal All-American Rejects album followed by the okay Move Along album but the first album was way better. Oh, and Nicole Richie followed by that whore Kate Bosworth. Knock-off.

Craig: First off, Crunch Berries is delicious. Are delicious? I’m not sure. Secondly, why the hell is Nichole Richie famous anyway? She contributes absolutely nothing to society. Oh wait, I take that back, she did appear in episodes of “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” and “Eve”. So she actually contributes negatively to society. Kate Bosworth was Lois Lane for goodness sakes! And not it that Goes-Psycho-in-a-Suburban-Community-Margot-Kidder way either!

Olivia: This is not a Crunch Berry Debate Craigory, this is a skinny celeb debate! Nicole Richie put herself into the shoes of others in multiple seasons of “The Simple Life.” Has effing Kate Bosworth done that?! No, no she has not. She parades around all “Ohhhh, I’m Kate Bosworth, I’m SO skinny! Look! I’m Lois Lane too! Weee!” Like a crazy person! Kate Bosworth=crazy person.

Craig: Let’s see, the first season of “The Simple Life” was funny, while the other two seasons were not. Oh wait, Nicole Richie got skinner with every season! Nicole Richie was not skinny when the good season of “The Simple Life” aired, making your point moot. But it appears as though you are not going to give up on this. So I see I need to bring out the big guns! Kate Bosworth has two different color eyes! Eyes! Two different colors! Bang! Bang!

Olivia: Oh yeah? Well Nicole Richie used to be a man! A MAN! That’s right! He then decided to be a feminist, but had to be a woman to do so! He/She went THAT far to put herself into the shoes of another! Then she wanted to see how the children affected by famine in Africa felt! BANG BANG Craig! What now!!!???

Craig: Yeah! Well one time! Kate Bosworth pretended to work as a cashier! To see how it feels to work her life away in front of a cash register! But then she won a contest to go on a date with this really hot celebrity that she was totally crushing on! But he turned out to be a jerk and she ended up with Topher Grace instead. That was totally awesome! So Kate does her fair share of charity work! I mean, who else is gonna dump Josh Duhamel for Topher Grace!

Olivia: Hmm, let’s see famine… cashier…. famine… cashier… FAMINE! Nicole Richie totally reinvented herself in the name of starving children. She even took out her extensions to show that she meant business. And she’s adopted, so she started on her journey to see what it’s like in others’ shoes very early, she wanted to see what it was like to be adopted by a music sensation! Did your precious Kate start that early? No sir…

Craig: The only reason Nicole Richie is so interested in starving children is because SHE IS A STARVING CHILD! Oh wait, so is Kate Bosworth. Moving on, you know the old saying, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”? I couldn’t agree more. Instead, we should judge people upon the people they date. Let’s see, Kate Bosworth dated Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom! Legolas for fucks sake! Nicole dated DJ AM. Who? Yeah, exactly!

Olivia: Whatev. Nicole Richie could kick Kate Bosworth’s ass. Or the bone that’s in the place of her ass, you know, because they’re so skinny and all. Nicole Richie is skinnier, more charitable, more understanding, and all in all better than stupid Kate Bosworth. Seriously, who has a name like BOSWORTH! She’s not Bos-Worth my time.

Craig: Oh please! Kate Bosworth is courageous (see Superman Returns), adorable (see Win a Date with Tad Hamilton), and tough-as-nails (see Blue Crush). Nicole Richie is moronic (see The Simple Life), idiotic (see The Simple Life), and insect-like (see her anytime). Besides, the only thing Nicole Richie could do to hurt someone is ask them to take her seriously.

The nomination process for the GAY BLOGGIES ends Friday night. I need as many nominations as possible to get in the finals so please vote! To help you in this process, I have the top ten reasons why you should vote for Puntabulous:

1) Because I look adorable in powder blue.

2) Because I open up potential collectors items just to play with them.

3) Because I would have a really hard time breaking it to Natalie Portman, my wife, if I wasn’t nominated.

4) Because I have very powerful friends.

5) Because we appeal to straight men and lesbians too!

6) Because it’s been seven (7) months and winning a contest might help me get laid.

7) Because where else can you see Natalie Portman attempt to go down on herself?

Because I know the sacred art of ka-ra-te, and I can kick your ass.

9) Because Super Viagra really looks forward to celebrating our victory.

10) Because I have an awesome set of sad-eyes, and I’m not afraid to use them.

So go to GAY BLOGGIES and vote!