Puntabulous

PUNTABULOUS COUNTER PUNTABULOUS

Welcome to the first of many Puntabulous Counter Puntabulous Debates!

In today’s furious debate, Craig and Olivia go head to head over the age old question: “Which is the best color gummi bear?”

Craig: It is a known fact throughout the vast reaches of the universe (which formed a mere 6,000 years ago) that green is the best color gummi bear.

Olivia: No, dear Craig, you are completely and utterly wrong. Everyone knows that since the beginning of time the red gummi bear has reigned supreme. There are records of Jesus, dinosaurs, and William Shatner all affirming this fact.

Craig: Oh Olivia, so young, so naive. While it looks as though William Shatner has had his fair share of gummi bears I cannot take the word of a made-up species conceived by left wing liberal crazies as an attempt bring society further away from God. Besides, green is the color of the Incredible Hulk, and HULK SMASH RED GUMMI BEARS! RAARARAARRR!

Olivia: Silly Craig, you MUST know that not only did the liberal wackos make up these “dinosaurs” but also the Incredible Hulk to represent freedom of religion. You see, the Hulk has the freedom to smash, crush, and generally mess things up, just as religions other than those who fear the almighty God, are obviously terrorists, hate freedom, and generally enjoy bombing things. This is a prime example of why green, the color of that wacky green party, is a worthless gummi bear. Red represents America, and Freedom, dear sir. Do you hate freedom?

Craig: How dare you imply that I hate freedom! I adore freedom! If freedom were a really hot guy, I would make out with him! That’s why I believe we all have the freedom to pick our favorite gummi bear flavor. (But only if it’s green.) Now consider this: When teachers grade papers, they mark it up in evil red ink. Wrong Answers = Red; Red = Evil; Evil = Wrong Answer; Wrong Answer = Red Gummi Bear.

Olivia: You must remember though that you only get bad red ink marks when you get a question wrong. If you get a question wrong, you are uneducated and therefore have nothing to contribute to society. If you hate red marks and take it out on gummi bears, you are a clear failure in life. Failures in life like green gummi bears.

Craig: Oh yes, green is certainly the color of failure. Let’s count all the other wonderful things that are green shall we? Plants: the givers of precious oxygen; Christmas Trees: the givers of Christmas presents; Grass: the givers of soft lawns. What’s red you ask? Bloody stumps of flesh after a shark attack. That’s just disgusting.

Olivia: See?! You have even admitted that green is, in fact, the color of failure. Not only failure, but gangrene, vomit, sometimes feces, and germs. Do you like germs? Green is also an eye color, do you want to eat someone’s eye? Red is the color of love, anyone with a heart would love red gummi bears.

Craig: Actually I do like germs. They build up anti-bodies and make my immunity stronger. So thank you green gummi bears, thank you for giving me anti-bodies and making me a healthier and stronger human being. The only thing I’ve gotten from red gummi bears is a broken heart. And crabs.

Olivia: So this hatred of red gummi bears is personal then? You say they gave you a broken heart, nothing you say can be trusted now. You cannot take part in a serious gummi bear debate with your personal life stuck right there in the middle of it! Green gummi bears are for those who are vain, envy others, and love money more than Jesus. Good job, Jesus hater.

Craig: How dare you imply that I hate Jesus! I adore Jesus! If Jesus were a really hot guy, I would make out with him! Plus, how could I be vain AND envy others? I may be vain, but the only other person I envy is myself. And what’s so bad about money? Maybe if Jesus had more money he’d be able to afford something other than sandals and an old robe. CAJBFFAEAE: Craig and Jesus, Best Friends Forever, And Eva, And Eva.

Olivia: I see you have no more reasons as to why green gummi bears are better than red! Shall I consider this a surrender? Or that I have beaten you with my red gummi bear intellect? Red is the color of blood, which flows to my brain in order to provide oxygen through osmosis as well as cell respiration. This in turn makes my brain function highly for heated debates such as this one.

Craig: Let’s weigh the evidence, shall we? Green = 1) Money, 2) Anti-body building germs, 3) The Incredible Hulk. What do all these things have in common? Success. Red = 1) Bloody stumps of flesh after a shark attack, 2) Bloody stumps of flesh after a bear attack, 3) Bloody stumps of flesh after a wild boar attack. What do all these things have in common? Failure. If you want to be a failure, then by all means, eat red gummi bears. But don’t come crawling to me asking me to donate one of my limbs to you. Because I won’t. I’ll be too busy rolling around naked in an anti-body infested bed of 100 dollar bills with Eric Bana. I rest my case.

Olivia: Although I believe the greatness of red gummi bears speaks for itself, I will provide a review of the reasons why they are so great. Shatner loves them, George W Bush loves them (and may I add he has NEVER been wrong about anything), and Jesus loves them. They are the gummi bear of freedom, you commy! Viva la red gummi bears! Red=Love. You will have no love in your life if you like nasty crap green gummi bears. None! I will have SO much love! Callum Blue, here I come. And you know why? Red gummi bears.

DEBATES, PHOTO ALBUMS | Craig | October 8, 2006 9:17 pm

23 Comments

By Jack Harrison, October 8, 2006 @ 9:31 pm

Red Gummi Bears are the best Craig. You’ve lost this match. Pretty much anything William Shatner says is true. I mean, he wrote the dictionary for god’s sake (or at least thats what I read on the internet). But I think Olivia meant to say that George W. Bush loves Red Jelly Beans the most since Republicans love their Jelly Bellies. (Look it up on Wikipedia if you don’t know what I’m talking about, its a Reagan thing). But yeah, Craig lost this match. and when are we finally going to see Craig’s wife naked?
By Curtis, October 9, 2006 @ 1:59 am

Red. Sorry Craig.
By Ryan, October 9, 2006 @ 4:18 am

Yup. Red it is. Don’t hate me.
By Antonio, October 9, 2006 @ 8:30 am

Red as the blood that gives me life. Sorry, Craig.
By Polt, October 9, 2006 @ 9:13 am

I gotta go with red too, Craig, sorry. it’s just obvious.

Although, I gotta say, I haven’t seen anyone rock a yellow shirt like you do in quite some time!

And echoing Jack Harrison, when are we finally going to see Craig naked? (Ya know, “rolling around naked in an anti-body infested bed of 100 dollar bills with Eric Bana.”…Eric Bana, 100 dollar bills and the bed optional, of course.)
By Joshua Pants, October 9, 2006 @ 10:37 am

I agree with the many others. Red, oh passionate red, is clearly the better bear.
By Craig, October 9, 2006 @ 11:39 am

Jack: You are dead to me.

Curtis: I don’t know you, but I know I don’t like you.

Ryan: You disgust me.

Antonio: But Craig will give you death!

Polt: I WAS going to go to Pennsylvania and have my way with you, but not anymore!

Joshua: I wish you were no longer living.

Where are my green gummi bear supporters?!
By Jesus, October 9, 2006 @ 12:02 pm

It is true, red gummi bears are the best.

I have spoken.

and Olivia is super hot.
By nicholas theadore andrew lowery III, October 9, 2006 @ 12:12 pm

green
By Polt, October 9, 2006 @ 12:17 pm

Hey, Craig, if it’ll get you to PA and having your way with me, I’ll say green. ( I have no scruples or principles when it comes to you. And sex. )

(but really, red ARE the best)
By Slamca, October 9, 2006 @ 1:55 pm

I vote yellow.
By Becky, October 9, 2006 @ 4:25 pm

well I’m going with red b/c I eat all things red, meat included,
but for the record….

CLEAR IS THE BEST GUMMI BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Skim, October 9, 2006 @ 10:29 pm

Green fo sho.
If Popeye ran out of spinach [which is green], what do you think he would eat in replacement? GREEN! [Yes, I'm saying he would eat the colour green, because that's how awesome he is]

I feel bad for orange because it’s my least favourite, but seriously, it rhymes with no other word, it was meant to be singled out!
By Ryan, October 9, 2006 @ 11:47 pm

Still red. Sorry Craig. As far as arguments go, “green” is unwinnable.
By Ryan, October 9, 2006 @ 11:48 pm

p.s. I love that you just happened to have a stuffed dinosaur handy.
By Sabila, October 9, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

Craig, I love you best. That being said, even I have to go with the red gummy bears.
By Craig, October 10, 2006 @ 5:12 am

Jesus: I’m going to crucify you, and this time, you won’t be able to ressurrect yourself!

Nicholas Theadore Andrew Lowery III: (If that is your real name) I adore you.

Polt: Save it.

Slamca: Very diplomatic, but not green, so I hate you.

Becky: I admire your zeal, but not your choice in gummi bears.

Skim: You are awesome, and I wholeheartedly agree with what you said about orange. It’s just pathetic.

Ryan: His name is Felice.

Sabila: Et tu Sabila?
By brett, October 10, 2006 @ 11:29 am

i’m with becky.

clear bears are the bestest bears.
By Dub, October 10, 2006 @ 1:09 pm

While I agree with Olivia on the gummi bear flavor issue, I must side with Craig on the rolling naked in money with Eric Bana point! You’re both winners in Dub-land!
By Olivia, October 10, 2006 @ 4:28 pm

GO RED GUMMI BEARS! GO!
By Poopsicle McRumproast, October 11, 2006 @ 5:17 pm

I heart you Craig, but you are terribly wrong here. Red is the best, followed by clear, and THEN green. Yellow and orange are tied for last. t.
By Omar, November 19, 2006 @ 7:51 pm

Clear IS THE BEST!!! CRAIG YOU ARE SOoooooo FUNNY!!!! and Olivia I Love You’re Kitty(Orange and Yellow are Disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!VOMITROSOUS
By NevDull, June 13, 2007 @ 11:27 pm

I think I may just have to start a campaign for blue gummy bears!

Can’t they make a green one without the yellow food coloring?

Hmm, come to think of it, if green is blue and yellow, maybe it’s just blue with pee in it. That would pretty clearly make red better than green.

Red, when it’s full of pee becomes orange.

Maybe Poopsicle up there was spot-on with his rankings.