Puntabulous

Sorry folks! This one’s for the science fiction dorks! Here we will examine major leaders of science fiction and review their gayness factors on a scale of 1-10: 1 being missionary through a hole in the blanket; 10 being ass bandit.

WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Captain of the Starship Enterprise.
CASE FOR GAY: British. Or was he Friench? Eh, tomayto, tomahto.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Always had a flirtatious relaitonship with Dr. Beverly Crusher. But was it just an act to get closer to Page… I mean… Ensign Wesley Crusher?
GAY FACTOR: 7

WHO: Optimus Prime. Leader of the Autobots.
CASE FOR GAY: Two words: Truck Stops.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: We all know Perceptor was the token gay Autobot. “Oh look at me! I’m a genius! I carry around a big phallus on my shoulder! I sure wish Ultra Magnus would use his Ultra Magnum on me!”
GAY FACTOR: 3

WHO: Megatron. Leader of the Decepticons.
CASE FOR GAY: Constant bickering with fellow queeny-sounding Decepticon Starscream. Took to wearing purple as his even gayer reincarnation Galvatron.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Never gave in to the more subtle affections of Soundwave.
GAY FACTOR: 6

WHO: Malcolm Reynolds. Captain of the Firefly class ship Serenity.
CASE FOR GAY: Best friends with a spunky black woman.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Inara would make ME straight. Okay, not really, but she’s hot, and she’s literally a whore. A respectable one at that!
GAY FACTOR: 2

WHO: Admiral Cain. Former Admiral of the Battlestar Pegasus.
CASE FOR GAY: Man-hater to the extreme. Took a quick liking to spunky tomboy Starbuck.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: I’m not even going to justify this with an answer.
GAY FACTOR: 11

WHO: Professor Xavier. Leader of the X-Men.
CASE FOR GAY: Shaved his head at the first sign of male pattern baldness.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Surrounds himself with beautiful women, whose powers are extremely effective in bed. Wolverine’s claws and Cyclops’ ruby laser eyes? Not so much.
GAY FACTOR: 5

WHO: Magneto. Leader of the Brotherhood.
CASE FOR GAY: A care for capes. A penchant for purple.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: A relationship with Mystique that was never fully explained. Fag Hag? Or Special Lady Friend?
GAY FACTOR: 8

WHO: Mace Windu. Senior Member of the Jedi Council.
CASE FOR GAY: The only Jedi to wield a purple light saber. Sensing a purple theme yet?
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: He’s such a bad ass mother fucker, he doesn’t give a shit what you think about his purple light saber.
GAY FACTOR: 1

WHO: He-Man. Master of the Universe
CASE FOR GAY: Haircut. Self-titled “Master”. Revealing and completely impractical uniform (including fur painties).
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: What part of “fur panties” don’t you understand?
GAY FACTOR: 10

WHO: Lion-O. Leader of the Thundercats (Ho!)
CASE FOR GAY: Long flowing locks of luscious golden brown hair. Completely ineffective uniform, chooses style over substance.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Sure, there was that one time when Cheetara was in heat, but he totally freaked out at the sight of blood.
GAY FACTOR: 9