Sorry folks! This one’s for the science fiction dorks! Here we will examine major leaders of science fiction and review their gayness factors on a scale of 1-10: 1 being missionary through a hole in the blanket; 10 being ass bandit.
WHO: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Captain of the Starship Enterprise.
CASE FOR GAY: British. Or was he Friench? Eh, tomayto, tomahto.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Always had a flirtatious relaitonship with Dr. Beverly Crusher. But was it just an act to get closer to Page… I mean… Ensign Wesley Crusher?
GAY FACTOR: 7
WHO: Optimus Prime. Leader of the Autobots.
CASE FOR GAY: Two words: Truck Stops.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: We all know Perceptor was the token gay Autobot. “Oh look at me! I’m a genius! I carry around a big phallus on my shoulder! I sure wish Ultra Magnus would use his Ultra Magnum on me!”
GAY FACTOR: 3
WHO: Megatron. Leader of the Decepticons.
CASE FOR GAY: Constant bickering with fellow queeny-sounding Decepticon Starscream. Took to wearing purple as his even gayer reincarnation Galvatron.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Never gave in to the more subtle affections of Soundwave.
GAY FACTOR: 6
WHO: Malcolm Reynolds. Captain of the Firefly class ship Serenity.
CASE FOR GAY: Best friends with a spunky black woman.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Inara would make ME straight. Okay, not really, but she’s hot, and she’s literally a whore. A respectable one at that!
GAY FACTOR: 2
WHO: Admiral Cain. Former Admiral of the Battlestar Pegasus.
CASE FOR GAY: Man-hater to the extreme. Took a quick liking to spunky tomboy Starbuck.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: I’m not even going to justify this with an answer.
GAY FACTOR: 11
WHO: Professor Xavier. Leader of the X-Men.
CASE FOR GAY: Shaved his head at the first sign of male pattern baldness.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Surrounds himself with beautiful women, whose powers are extremely effective in bed. Wolverine’s claws and Cyclops’ ruby laser eyes? Not so much.
GAY FACTOR: 5
WHO: Magneto. Leader of the Brotherhood.
CASE FOR GAY: A care for capes. A penchant for purple.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: A relationship with Mystique that was never fully explained. Fag Hag? Or Special Lady Friend?
GAY FACTOR: 8
WHO: Mace Windu. Senior Member of the Jedi Council.
CASE FOR GAY: The only Jedi to wield a purple light saber. Sensing a purple theme yet?
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: He’s such a bad ass mother fucker, he doesn’t give a shit what you think about his purple light saber.
GAY FACTOR: 1
WHO: He-Man. Master of the Universe
CASE FOR GAY: Haircut. Self-titled “Master”. Revealing and completely impractical uniform (including fur painties).
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: What part of “fur panties” don’t you understand?
GAY FACTOR: 10
WHO: Lion-O. Leader of the Thundercats (Ho!)
CASE FOR GAY: Long flowing locks of luscious golden brown hair. Completely ineffective uniform, chooses style over substance.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Sure, there was that one time when Cheetara was in heat, but he totally freaked out at the sight of blood.
GAY FACTOR: 9
Shouldn’t Optimus Prime’s rating be about a 15? I mean, wasn’t he found in bed, having sex with a world famous, and dashingly handsome blogger, who shall remain nameless, by Natalie Portman, Said Blogger’s Wife?
I’m not judging, i’m just sayin….
OOOh….Make it sooooo Ensign Crusher, make it soooooo
Oh my god I’m shaking I’m laughing so hard! Fur panties??????? Thanks Craig, for making my, and other sci-fi dorks’ day.
I don’t care if you think Picard is gay or straight. Patrick Stewart is fabulous!
Let’s not forget that as the successor to Captain Kirk, who couldn’t keep his hands off the women, Picard did have a number of love affairs (did you see the one where post-ensign Ro pretends to be a prostitute?), and Dr. Crusher was, at times, quite jealous. And he always professed to hating children.
…although, to be fair, so many love stories start out with the characters hating each other.
Uhm Admiral Cain DID have a cylon lesbian lover in teh BSG movie “Razor”. so i’d up that to 12
Why stop at Mace Windoo? The entire Jedi order is filled to the brim with old men, and a LOT of little boys. There’s always talk of “the force” being inside them, as well as a lots of secrets(catholic church metaphor?)… And if you step out of line there is only way and that is “the dark side” ever wonder why Anakin went to the dark side? I think childhood trauma is far more likely than the option where he gets pissy over not getting a girl…
Let the flaming commence!