In celebration of seeing Saw III tonight, here’s a timeline of the scary things I’ve experienced during the first ten years of my life.
0 years – Travelling down the birth canal. How is a guy expected to be straight when the first vagina he sees is his mother’s? Granted 90% of the male population seems to do so, I chalk it up to the Oedipus complex. Disgusting bastards (vaginas, not the guys).
1-3 years - I don’t remember anything from this period of life, so I can only imagine that these years were so scary that I blocked them from memory. Or perhaps it’s all part of a top secret government experiement, and I’ll remember them once my subconcious programming kicks in, and I turn into an extreme killing machine.
4 years – When I was little, I went to a petting zoo with my family. I got close to one of the pigs and it put its snout on my arm and began to inhale. This caused me to be stuck to it because of the suction. When it finally let go, I had a red mark on my arm. Hence, the quote in my sidebar, a pig gave me a hickey. I cried a lot and needed to be taken home. Or maybe my parents just distracted me with ice cream. I can’t remember.
5 years – Remember these aliens on Sesame Street?
Yeah, these scared the shit out of me. I remember I would hide behind my mom’s bed everytime these came on. Nowadays, they don’t seem so tough. I could totally take them. Maybe. But only if they had one eye tied behind their back.
7 years – My second grade teacher. I’m currently 6’3″, but I would imagine that she is approximately 8’6″. She was a giant, and scary as all hell. What’s weird though, is that everyone I talk to has had a scary 2nd grade teacher. Why is that? Kindergarten is great, First grade is fantastic, then WHAM! Second grade! Scary!
9 years - Learning to swim. Yes, you read correctly. I didn’t learn to swim until I was nine (9) years old. This is what happens when you’re the youngest child. No one seems to notice that the floatie around your waist is 5 sizes too small and has embedded itself into your skin. By this age, the fear of drowning makes learning to swim a scary task. You’re supposed to learn when you’re too young and stupid to worry about jumping off the diving board. Also by this time, your older brothers and sisters are big enough (and evil enough) to hold you under water for extended periods of time, making going anywhere near the pool an unpleasant thought.
Next week I’ll go through the next ten years of my life. This period may or may not include puberty. The jury is still out on whether or not I actually pubertized. Keep your fingers crossed!
I actually had a cool 2nd grade teacher, It was the 3rd grade teacher that was scary. She was a mean old fat lady who hated life because her husband saw a chance to get out of the marriage to her and did so therefore making her single with no chance of ever getting laid again.
Second grade was Mrs. Kreager, a nice old lady that had actually taught my mother in school! Luckily, she liked my mother, thus transferred her like onto me. I was her pet. Yes, I learned to kiss ass at a young age.
3rd grade: Mrs. Snowberger, a large, mean, vicious woman with an acute hatred of little kids. Especially little, fat gay boys in training. I did not like her one bit.
And your first hickey was from a pig? Hmmm, that may explain quite a bit.
HUGS…
Hey, I love the phone aliens. I posted that clip on my site a few weeks ago and had a lot of people love it. yep-yep-yep-yep.
BTW, congrats on your nomination over at Lone Star.
I loved those aliens! They were my favorite characters!
the brain takes a while to develop to a stage where it actually has a real memory bank. that is why we don’t normally remember a thing about our formative years (age 1-3/4); i actually think it’s very clever of nature to have us forget the pooping and walking naked everywhere.
of course, that’s what i’ve been told. in the event that you’re right about being a “secret government experiment”, please don’t kill me…
That’s weird though, I remember walking around naked and pooping everywhere.
Oh wait, that was yesterday.
You know, Craig… there are German websites that would pay to film that sort of thing.
I’m just sayin’.
$$$$$$.
Those aliens still sort of scare me. My second grade teacher wasn’t mean, she was just crazy. Really crazy.