Puntabulous

Once again, Puntabulous goes head-to-head regarding some serious issues!

In today’s edition, we decide which Disney Princess is the biggest Hoochie Mama.

Craig: Although it is painfully obvious, I would like to declare what everyone around the world already knows: Princess Ariel from The Little Mermaid is the biggest cartoon hoochie mama to have ever been drawn.

Olivia: As if, Craig. As…if. Painfully obvious my bum, the only thing painful about it is how wrong you are. The biggest hoochie mama among the Disney Princesses is, of course, Cinderella from Cinderella.

Craig: Pa-sha! Right! Cinderella is a southern belle compared to Ariel! (hey that rhymes!) At least Cinderella has the decency to wear clothes. Ariel is all hooched out in those purple clams that hardly cover up those ghetto jubblies of hers. Oh and memo to Ariel: a fish tale does NOT constitute pants. She should be ashamed of herself!

Olivia: Uh, Hello?! Let me crack an egg of knowlege over your head; Cinderella is obviously a prostitute, and her “step-mother” is obviously her pimp. That’s why she wouldn’t let her go to the ball, because she already had two (the “step-sisters”) hookers workin’ the ball! Cinderella was the pretty whore, and would detract business from the other two.

Craig: At least Cinderella was hanging out with other women! Ariel didn’t want any part of that homoerotic burlesque show King Triton passed off as his daughters performing! This Ariel hoochie wanted a show of her own, so she insisted on surrounding herself with guys, or as I like to call them (flavas of the sea). Let’s see: Flounder: Guy; Sebastian: Guy; Scuttle: Guy. Sensing a pattern here?

Olivia: Fine, let’s see if you can wrap your mind around this one: Glass Slipper=sex. Cinderella is easy, she puts out on the first date. The Prince got her glass slipper, and it was so good he had to find her.

Craig: Not only has my mind been wrapped by this, but it has also been bored and put to sleep by this. You know what’s more interesting than far-fetched sexual metaphors? Bestiality. That’s right. Bestiality. Ariel duped Prince Eric into having sex with a half human half fish. Half fish still equals whole bestiality!

Olivia: Far-fetched my ass, your face is far-fetched! Ariel was being totally forced to get all up on Prince Eric, duh. Ursula was going to take her soul if she couldn’t get him to fall in love with her! What would you do in a situation like that!? Cinderella just had to be back by midnight, her curfew, obviously. But that skank couldn’t even do that, she was busy getting hot and heavy with Prince Charming. And he was “charming” her dress right off, but she’s easy, so it wasn’t that hard for him.

Craig: I think you mean to say that my face is fetching. But I’ll let that slight miscommunication slide this time. What I can’t let slide is your slandering of poor, sweet, gentle, Cinderella. We all know that Cinderella was the poor unsuspecting victim of a rufie, slipped to her by Prince “Charming”. Ariel is anything but a victim. She stanks of fish and is in a constant state of moistness. I can only imaging the diseases that awaited Prince Eric on their wedding night.

Olivia: Dear sir, I cannot believe YOUR slander of MY slander of that whore, Cinderella. First of all, she lives in an attic and is friends with mice, mice carry loads of diseases, ie, bubonic plague? Exactly. Ariel is half fish, and hangs out with sea creatures, nothing weird there! And wedding night disease? If she’s such a skank then there’d be some pre-wedding night Dermocystidium (a fish disease that leaves lesions on fish).

Craig: Don’t try and confuse matters with your slanderous slander of my counter slander! The facts remain, Ariel is the biggest hoochie mama going. Let’s go down the facts: 1) She hardly fits her clams into her clams. 2) She duped Prince Eric into peforming Bestiality. We all know one thing leads to another! What next? Duping him into gay marriage!? 3) Her constant smell of the sea. Something smells fishy in the house of Disney! And it’s coming from between Ariel’s fins!

Olivia: You hooligan, you have got to be taking crazy pills. Let’s review: Cinderella lets her glass slipper just fall off for anyone, Cinderella is a hooker, Cinderella has mice for friends because she has so many diseases those are the only friends she can get. Ariel was a forced whore, therefore, ruling her out of the whoriness. Cinderella conquers the hoochie mama battle.