Puntabulous

Dear Hollywood,

I wouldn’t call myself a “party animal” under any circumstances, but I’ve been to a few parties at friends’ apartments to know how they generally work.

People don’t dance at parties in people’s apartments. So while the camera is focused on the main characters having a conversation off to the side, don’t bother having dozens of extras dancing in the background. Who even has room in their apartment for large groups of people (including white people) to dance?

Again, no one dances at parties in people’s apartments. It is lame and distracting for me, the viewer.

All I ask is that you keep this in mind.

Best,
Craig

Dear Building Maintenance Staff,

Thank you very much for the freshly-scented urinal patties! It was a pleasant surprise when I came to work this morning!

How about having them all year round?

Thanks!

Love,
Craig

To the Lovely and Talented Trainer Bob,

I love you. I would do many, many things to you. But what is with your hair this season of “The Biggest Loser”? It’s like a gay mullet! (Thankfully not a lesbian mullet though, known to many lesbians simply as “haircut”.)

It’s a good thing Trainer Jill is gone, because if she saw your hair, she would scream like a wild banshee and kick your ass. And then probably spit on you.

Be mine,
Craig

Dear 3rd Grade Teacher,

Thank you for teaching me cursive.

I never use it.

Best always,
Craig

Dear Doctors Office,

Thank you for giving me medicine that made me feel better!

Next time, if you want to call me into the room at 12, how about we make my appointment at 12 instead of 11:15. Just a suggestion.

Thanks again for the medicine!

Sincerely,
Craig

Dear Future Self,

Looking good!

A word of advice, don’t fall asleep on the train with a cough drop in your mouth; no matter how much better it feels to not cough every two seconds. You may or may not wake up drooling a sticky red liquid on your adorable powder blue button down. It also may or may not be a pain in the ass to get out.

Stay beautiful,
Craig