Sorry for the light posting on my end folks. I’ve been pretty busy with the holidays and such. Here’s a run down of the latest Puntabulous activities:

First there was the company Christmas party that I previously wrote about.

In this picture you’ll see someone in a Santa hat checking their crackberry, and three sets of antlers, including one badass wearing them backwards! Holla! You may also notice someone suspicious lurking in the corner of this picture.

WITH CRAZY EVIL EYES! I always have ridiculous red eyes. Why is that? Is the camera peering into my soul? Seeing my true, inner self?

EEK!

Then there was Wendy and Rob’s lovely wedding. Here is the happy couple! The pictures didn’t come out so great. I always psych myself up for taking pictures during ceremonies, then as soon as I hit the button I regret it because I feel as though my camera has the biggest, most enormous flash in the whole wide world, and everyone can see me and thinks: “Who is that rude person taking pictures during this solemn occasion? Oh, it’s Craig. Who let him in here? He is an idiot.” So I get embarrassed and take less pictures. I need to be more like my mom. She has no problem whipping out the camera and snapping away. She’d ask the Pope to move over for a better shot. Or maybe I’ll just invite her to these things as my date. You know, like Kevin Spacey!

Here is the other happy couple!

I’m pretty sure I warned Robin I was taking this picture, so I can’t explain her expression. It’s still a nice picture though.

Here she’s at least looking at the camera, although slightly smug looking. Which is still far better than my drunken red face. That’s the problem with having clear skin. “Clear” meaning “translucent”, not free of blemishes of course!

Unfortunately, Wendy’s parents were unable to attend the wedding, so Wendy asked me to step in for the Father/Daughter dance. What an honor! We practiced our awkward swaying back and forth for months to get it just right! We danced to our song “Hallelujah” by Rufus Wainwright. Sweet!

A great time was had by all!

Recently, I have been noticing many, many groups being totally put down without the putter-downers even noticing! During the holiday season, especially, those who do not celebrate Christmas are ridiculed as “Merry Christmas!” is thrown in their faces! Well folks, I’m about to get my defend on, and today, I have the Jews’ backs!

I, as an individual whom is one eighth Jewish, am completely offended and generally put-down by this Christmas tyranny!!

It’s always, “Hey! Buy this amazing George Foreman Grill to put under the Christmas Tree “. Oh yeah?! What about a Chanukah bush, you heartless Christmas-junkie-advertising-people?!

And you know that Chanukah is AWESOME! Seriously! Did Adam Sandler not show the world so in “Eight Crazy Nights?” I rest my case. Gotcha! I don’t. Because I have WAY more crazy important/amazing points to make.

Christmas dictators go on about this one glorious day of gifts and Baby Jesus. What they don’t remind you of is how it all goes so quickly on Christmas morning. With Chanukah, you have eight NIGHTS of presents. A few here, a few there, it lasts over a week!

And you get to light candles! Who in their right mind doesn’t like fire?! Plus, you have to remember that these Christmas-Drug-Pushers keep on about the Baby Jesus, but they don’t remind you about how the Baby Jesus was a Jew, lighting his little Baby Jesus Chanukah candles. Can’t knock what the Baby Jesus did. No sir. Unless it’s soiling yourself, as babies do. You probably shouldn’t do that.

In conclusion, “Happy Holidays” is the gracious, respectable thing to yell at Quiznos employees as well as others in other instances when either you, or they, are leaving/entering a place. Because when you yell “Merry Christmas!” to me, at least, one eighth of me is totally ticked.

(I did have a wonderful Christmas though, and I hope you did too! Or Chanukah! And also Kwanza! And any other Winter-related holiday!)

So I didn’t have very many friends in high school. The few I had were really great, but with the way our schedules worked out, they were very rarely in any of my classes.

On the last day of my sophmore year, my english teacher had us all sit in a circle and throw a nerf ball around to anyone we wanted to thank, and then state the reason why we wanted to thank them.

Without any friends in the class, I watched as the ball was passed from friend to friend all around me. It wasn’t unexpected, I knew what we were getting into when we started the “game”. But obviously it wasn’t the best feeling in the world.

Did every high school have that ridiculously perfect girl in it? The homecoming queen with the quarterback boyfriend and the perfect good looks, and the perfect grades, that you would just love to hate if she wasn’t so damn nice?

Well the one in my high school was named Kerri, and she threw me the ball. And she said she just wanted to thank me for always being so nice and friendly, and for always having a smile on my face.

She obviously could have chosen to throw it to one of her several friends who were in the class, but she was too good for that. So she threw it to me.

I wouldn’t remember this incident ten years later if it didn’t mean anything to me. So this Christmas, tell someone that you think they’re nice. Because ten years later it will still make them smile.

Merry Christmas.

Bye Natalie Portman, my wife! Have fun at your mother’s!

Hmmm, what should I do now that I’m all alone?

Think, think, think.

AAAAHHHHH!

Who are you?

I’m your right hand!

Well what do you want?

I want to make sweet, sweet love to you for at least fifteen minutes.

I can’t possibly do that! I’m married!

Oh come on! Daddy needs it bad!

Stop that! I love Natalie Portman, my wife! To cheat on her would be an abomination! The sanctity of marriage would be spoiled forever!

What about me?

Oh fuck! Who the hell are you?!

I’m your left hand.

Ew! That’s even worse than before! That would just be awkward and unmanageable!

Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to tempt you?

Nope! Sorry!

Craig! Get that sweet ass in here! And don’t forget the party antlers!

Coming!

Yes folks, it happens. Many a time I, Olivia, fall deeply in love with a man, a man…who turns out to be gay. Just like in that movie with Jennifer Aniston. I loved that movie. Anywho, here are a few of said gay men that I have in the past or present fallen in love with (not all of them though, it’s too hard for me knowing that our love cannout be):

Alistair Appleton-totally gay. Very smart, very suave, very handsome. I first came to know dear Ali while he hosted the BBC show, Cash in the Attic. My mom watched it for the antiques, I watched it for the man candy. Then I found his blog and soon knew that he would never love me as I loved him.

Callum Blue-very possibly gay. So, so…SO insanely cute, he HAS to be gay. You know why? Because straight guys can’t be that amazing! One day while in the library I spent an hour and a half researching trying to figure out if he is or isn’t gay. It was really fifty-fifty. Either way, I guess. As long as either Craig or I end up growing old with him, it’s fine with me. Anyone else though and I’ll totally freak out.

Vern Yip-totally gay. I loved Vern when he was on Trading Spaces! We were a team, Vern and I! He’d say something ON the tv, and I’d go, “ya, you tell ‘em Vern!” at the tv! Then one he decorated a room so, so, so phenomenally and I realized he was gayer than Elton John’s right nipple. And I googled it to make sure. It actually said “Vern is gayer than Elton John’s nipples.” True story. (not really.)

Conor Oberst-Likes him some mens and some womens. Yes, he is bisexual, which translates to “he can leave me for a man if need be.” A man friend of mine found this out for me on some amazing website that pretty much tells you anything you would ever need to know about a famous person. Anywho, then my buddy decided to tear my soul apart by pointing out that half the men I loved could potentially leave me for him. He’s a terrible friend.

So last night was our company’s Christmas party. Actually, it was called a “Holiday Cocktail Party”, but they gave away loads of Santa hats and the above pictured antlers, so we all know it was really a Christmas party in disguise. There was an open bar, which is always good fun.

Here’s a list of things I managed not to do:

1) Hit on the cute hobbit that works at my company, even though he looked WAY cuter in antlers. Ask me how hard it was not to ask him about the size of his antlers. Very hard.

2) Come out to my boss. Boss was also wearing previously mentioned antlers.

3) Wear the antlers during the actual party to avoid drunken dancing antler pictures.

Here are the things I could not avoid doing:

1) Dancing. Once I see people getting jiggy with it, I can hardly control myself. I may or may not have been told that I have good rhythm. The person who told me I had good rhythm may or may not have been black. I may or may not have been more flattered because the person who told me I had good rhythm was black. Said person may or may not have been drunk and wearing antlers at the time.

2) Falling asleep on the train and missing my stop. Luckily I’m the second to last stop, so a quick call to the parentals remedied the situation easily enough. Only slight loss of respect from the parents resulted. They did enjoy the antlers though.

3) Wearing the antlers on the subway back to Penn Station because things always seem funnier with a few drinks in me. Did get a smile from a cute boy though.

And because it’s Christmas time, here is a picture of me slightly inebriated on the subway wearing antlers:

God bless fuzzy antlers and open bars.

And, of course, by popular demand I actually mean one Myspace message and a casual comment by a friend one day. Craig did his fantastic Sextette of Oddity, and so here comes my Six Crazy-Nutso-isms of Olivia. (That’s the best name I could think of. I can’t top Sextette of Oddity!)

SIX CRAZY-NUTSO-ISMS OF OLIVIA!

1. I know exactly what times I need to be doing certain things in the morning in order to be ready exactly when I have to leave, sometimes a bit late. I recently woke up one morning and thought “Why don’t I just wake up twenty minutes early? Then I wouldn’t have all these little morning deadlines.” However, I still continue to get ready for my day with no time to spare.

2. Things touching my ears freak me out like nothing else. Actually, in addition to that, people who I don’t know very well touching me at all freaks me out. But the ears-it’s terrible. I’ll just be sitting somewhere, minding my own business and BAM! A bug flies into my ear. And you know that these bugs have some sort of conspiracy to do this, because really, how many people have bugs fly in their ears!? Not many!

3. I do really stupid things spontaneously thinking it’s a really good idea. For example, yesterday I thought, “Geeze, my room should be rearranged today!” Then I spent three hours pushing and pulling giant pieces of furniture around. About an hour into it, I was lying on the floor, sweating and panting, while my mother stood over me asking what was going on. I told her that I had thought I could rearrange everything, but that it turned out to be a really bad idea. (But it does look cooler now!)

4. Sometimes when I’m sad, I forget I’m sad and go on with being happy, but I remember, “oh yeah, I’m sad!” But by then everyone is thinking “Olivia, you heartless bitch!” But I can’t help it, I sort of have a short attention span, and if there’s something to be happy about, then I figure you should be happy about it if it’s that amazing! But it is awkward when in the middle of a joke, you remember you’re sad and sort of trail out and go “oh yeah, my dog died.” Conversation killer.

5. I get really worked up when in a heated political debate and people don’t expect it. I can’t help it, people are really stupid a lot of the time, and I have to tell them so and also yell back examples of ways they are wrong and how I’m right. Living in the South is pretty much terrible for me, because pretty much everyone has the same opinion which is, in fact, different from mine. And also, their opinion sucks. And they are misinformed from watching Fox news.

6. I really, really, embarrassingly love K-Fed’s PoPoZao. It’s catchy! And you have to take pity on the guy, Britney Spears just dumped his ass. His concerts are being cancelled for lack of ticket sales. But hey! If he came around here, I’d go see him! Just for PoPoZao! It’s my Myspace song right now. It started as a joke, but now it’s pretty close to my heart. However, I still can’t get past the lyric in one song “Girls love K Fed, Dudes hate K Fed, But it don’t matter, ’cause K Fed stay fed!”

Well, Olivia gave a run down of the men she fancies. You can read them HERE and HERE. So it’s about time I give you my list as well. So with no further adieu:

Jamie Bamber: Sure his character can be a bit whiny at times, and yes, the episode based completely on his character (Black Market) is known as the worst episode of Battlestar Galactica ever. But who else besides Lee “Apollo” Adama could lose all that New Caprica weight in a matter of days? Gods bless him, he’s handsome.*

*I realize I made a lot of “Battlestar Galactica” references just now that you may not understand, but just try and focus on the picture.

Paul Campbell: I can’t say for certain if he would be on this list if not for his character Billy on “Battlestar Galactica”. But anyone who can pull off looking good in a sweater that is only one step above something Bidget Jones’ mother would give her is amazing.

Ioan Gruffud: Okay, so maybe “Fantastic Four” was kinda lame, but he played Lancelot for goodness sakes! And he’s more handsome than anyone whose name ends in “fud” has any right to be.

Edward Speleers: He basically represents everything I hate. A seventeen year old, HOME-SCHOOLED, kid gets his parents to publish his book, which is then picked up by a major publisher, and then made into a movie. But how can I take out my hatred on the hotty boo blotty who plays the main character in the movie adaptation? I simply can’t. And yes, I did my research, he’s nineteen, so my adoration is completely legal.

John Krasinski: Who doesn’t love this man? Plus I need to give props to my tall, lanky brethren. It’s not very often we get someone in Hollywood to represent us in a positive light. That guy from “My Giant” hasn’t getting much work lately. I blame Billy Crystal.

Dominic Monaghan: Believe it or not, Dominic Monaghan almost didn’t make the list. And if you know me, you know I’ve been fancying him for quite some time now. But recently I saw someone in a bar that looked just liked him, and he was completely and utterly unattractive. But he’s hot in the picture, so he made my list.

Martin Freeman: Fine. Yes. I will fully admit to having a hobbit fetish. But seriously, I would do things to this man that would make a nazgul blush.

Here is your early Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice Present!

Your surprise awaits after the jump.

Don’t say I never gave you anything!

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Lately there have been a lot of misinterpretations of just the kind of person I am. I hope this video (edited by Parker the bowling buddy) will clear things up:

The white screen is credits but due to low youtube quality you cannot read them. However, those are not important. What is important is that I love getting totally high off of Sharpie brand markers.