Here is a special Holiday edition of Puntabulous is an Oily Mother Fucker!

My face is so greasy.

HOW GREASY IS IT?!

My face is so greasy…

It freezes in the cold and local school children make my face into a snowman.

Santa Claus uses my face to grease up the chimneys so he can slide down easier.

It wasn’t a miracle that kept the candle burning for eight nights. It was the oils from my face.

Previously on Puntabulous is an Oily Mother Fucker!

Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of things that are just weird in the town I live in.

One of these things I’ve noticed is that apparently whoever is in charge of things believes that everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, can be fixed with gravel. Potholes for instance, I’d like to just add that gravel does NOT fix potholes. In fact, it makes them worse, because after more people run over these now gravelized potholes, there’s gravel all over the road. Other things fixed by gravel include the side of roads. We here in that there South apparently don’t that there believe in a thing called that there curbs on our streets. Or shoulders on a road. We just have a clay colored gravel/dirt mixture that gets re-gravel and dirted about once a year. Also, new short roads are created with that there gravel. I live in a place with crazy people.

Also in our area, there’s a new bank being built pretty much once a month. Who has all this money! They have built three banks on the road our school is on in the past six months! It’s madness!

Also being built twenty times a year are strip malls. Strip malls are being built while ten other strip malls aren’t even filled with stores yet! Vacant for months and new ones are popping up! And. In every, EVERY, single strip mall there are a few things that are always there. They are as follows: Nail Salon, Hair Salon, Tanning Salon, Tobacco Store, Booze Joint, Random foreign food place. Every. Time.

Another thing I think is weird is this whole gangs having special colors. Friday there was supposed to be a big gang war (really.) at school (really, I know) with guns and stuff. First of all, there were so many po-po’s that even I couldn’t walk down a hall hall-passless as I usually am without being interrogated. Anyway, these gangs have colors. And so I hear not to wear pretty much every color there is that day. How. Am. I. Supposed to get dressed in the morning!? These damn gangs. I ended up going with green and pink plaid with an orange undershirt. Take that gangstas.

That’s all my pondering for tonight. Get jiggy with it.

So this weekend was dedicated to getting the house ready for Christmas. Here is the finished product!

Needless to say, there are loads of gay apparel! Including this gaudy as hell Christmas disco globe.

Would anyone care to stuff my stocking?

Here’s our tree.

Here’s our tree with the lights off.

We also deck out the den in these fancy red and green lights. Look, if you’re not going to appreciate the gaudiness of it all, you might as well stop scrolling down.

And we’re careful to line it up so one of the red lights lands on Rudolph’s nose. Dorky, but it’s Christmas!

Every year, my mom got her four children their own Christmas ornament for the year. Since there’s three boys and one girl, “The Wizard of Oz” theme worked perfectly one year! I was the Scarecrow.

It wasn’t until years later, when it was realized I should have been Dorothy.

Chewbacca knows how to bring the Christmas spirit. And the ass whoopin!

R2D2 knows the true meaning of Christmas since he was probably there at the time. R2D2 knows everything. Too bad no one knows what the fuck he’s talking about.

Mom, I don’t care how hot Princess Leia in the golden bikini is, I’m gay!

Shout out to Natalie Portman, my wife!

And another!

My family affectionately refers to this ornament of my Dad’s as “Scary Santa Head”.

Scary Yoda Head.

My parents like to reward the small amounts of straight behavior that actually happens in their family.

And what Christmas tree would be complete without….a pickle?

Not Christmas related, but here’s us kids, like, forever ago!

What a hottie!

To all potential suitors: If you want to get on my Dad’s good side, get him a Santa Claus figurine to add to his ridiculously large collection.

Like I said, “ridiculously large”.

And yes, I suppose we need to address the true meaning of Christmas, blah biddy blah blah.

I’m not sure how this tradition started, but we’ve been doing it for longer than I can remember. You’ll notice a certain someone making his way down the yellow brick road to be at the birth of Baby Jesus.

Us kids like to occasionally switch Baby Jesus for the Scarecrow. My mom says we’re “so bad” for doing so, but to take a line from “Shaun of the Dead”: we’ll stop doing it when she stops laughing.

Don’t think we forgot the outside of the house! (This is the place where you’ll be sending me my presents.)

I was all Spiderman-like and made this present out of strings of lights on the roof.

Let the holiday season begin!

So I got tagged. I pretend to not enjoy getting tagged, but I secretly love it because it’s like “Hey! Free blog topic!” The tag is called “Six weird things about me”. Not a very original title. If it were up to me I would call it “Sextette of Oddity”. Actually, what the hell!? As part of my faux anti-tagging, I will rename it:

SEXTETTE OF ODDITY!

1) I almost exclusively read “Star Wars” novels. They’re kinda like the male version of trashy romance novels. Except when Jacen Solo (Han and Leia’s son) had a baby with Tenel Ka, the Queen Mother of the planet Hapes (who’s also a Jedi Knight, but left the Order when her duties as Queen came into effect), they totally cut out the sex scene. Last you know he just “spent the night”, then BAM, there was a baby. I mean, what the fuck?! They totally cut out the best part! I bet Jedi sex is amazing! Oh, and the fact that I know all this is part of the whole “Sextette of Oddity” thing.

2) My irrational fears include: A) Swimming in a pool by myself for fear of being attacked by a shark. B) Being sent to prison. C) You know when you’re walking on a sidewalk, past a driveway out of a shopping center? And the car waves for you to walk in front of them? What are the chances they just want you to walk in front of their car so they can run you over?

3) I saw “The Fountain” and really liked it. I’m including this on the list because of all the crappy reviews it’s been getting. It only has a 27% cream of the crop rating on Rotten Tomatoes! But believe me, it was really good. Weird, but good. And it gets a lot better the more I think about it and read all the theories about what everything really meant on online message boards. Oh fuck, now I’ve revealed I troll online message boards. I assume by the end of this, you will know about a million odd things about me, and not just six. Before you know it, I’ll let it slip that I own “Catwoman” on dvd. Oh shit.

4) I’m right handed, but I wear my watch on my right hand. I started wearing a watch before I knew the “rules” and now it’s become such a habit that if I wear it on my left hand it feels completely weird. You know how it is when you switch hands. It feels completely different. Wait, are we still talking about wearing watches?

5) I finally downloaded my first real ringtone for my cell phone. Since I first got a cell phone about 4 years ago, I’ve always used the generic ones that come with the phone. What song did I pick? “Barbie Girl” by Aqua. It makes me happy not only because it reminds me of a funny scene from the movie “She’s the Man” starring my favorite tween queen Amanda Bynes, but also because I look forward to being in an extremely important meeting and having it go off. Working in the construction industry only makes it funnier.

6) Speaking of construction, isn’t it odd that I work in construction? Yes, I do contracts, so it doesn’t really require any manly work, but we’re supposed to go to the site so we can see the work we’re writing contracts for. It’s pretty much become a joke in the office that I blatantly refuse to go to the site. Doing so would require me to acknowledge the fact that I really do work in construction. I mean really, I would need to wear a hard hat and bright orange vest. The Village People references alone would do me in. Plus bright orange would totally clash with my cute outfits.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tag six people. But just like chain e-mails, this stuff usually ends with me.

I don’t know if any of you guys have seen any of these videos, but everyone needs to sit down, and get your learn on-Japanese style!

To answer your question (if you ask it, I guess) videos such as these were created by a Japanese learning channel to teach English phrases to tourists.

Seriously. Is America really all about taxis and getting robbed (yes-ish). It must be terrifying to be a Japanese tourist if you have to learn to ask while helpless “spare me my life!”

This video is also what spurred a myspace comment and comment back between myself and Mary Elizabeth Ellis who plays the waitress on possibly my all-time favourite show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Speaking of the show, I think I had a dream that I was deeply in love with the creator/co-star/sometimes director, Rob McElhenney. I do know that I had a dream once that he and I were trapped in a basement/coal mine filled with rats and had to save some puppies, but couldn’t get out of a window because there were zombies. I thought it was funny so I myspace messaged him about it and got a reply. I’m totally in the circle of cool.

I think it’s time for another Television round up:

(Spoilers if you aren’t totally caught up!)

Heroes: So basically I have a little nerdgasm everytime I see this show. It’s amazing. Claire is my favorite, with Hiro as a close second. I’m really sad Claire’s gay (gay?) best friend had his memory erased. Poo on you Mr. Bennett! And don’t take this as an “all black people look the same” comment, but how do they know that guy is Haitian? Did I miss something? And Hiro versus Tyrannosaurus Rex? Best thing ever. But I’m a little worried about an NBC created CG dinosaur. I mean, if DL’s Kitty Pryde power looks a bit iffy, how would a dinosaur look? Not good I’m afraid.

Veronica Mars: Just a wee bit disappointed in the big mystery. I thought I would like the mini arcs, but eight episodes wasn’t enough to get invested in the mystery. And how are we supposed to figure out who the bad guy is, when they had about 2 minutes of previous screen time prior to being revealed as the bad guy. More Mac please! Sorry Wallace, you are SO high school. Go be Jackie’s baby daddy in New York.

Big Day: Not so funny, but somehow still completely addicting. I’m kinda hooked. Until it’s cancelled.

America’s Next Top Model: I miss Megg (rock and roll!). At this point, CariDee better win. Eugena has absolutely zero personality and her pictures are mediocre at best. Melrose is a wreck, but god bless her, every picture of her is amazing. Tyra loves ribs. She’s earned it.

Survivor: Confession: I participate in an online Fantasy Survivor league. Dorky, I know. This season is so good! I like Yul and Becky. Ozzy is cool too, but morally I can’t support anyone who has done porn (Totally NSFW!). Unless it’s gay porn.

The Office: True story: There is this lady at work, who has a cat day calendar on her desk. And she gets really pissy if you use the printer for too long while she is waiting for something of her own to print. CoughcoughANGELAcoughcough!

Grey’s Anatomy: Hooray for Izzie standing up to McSteamy and gaining his respect! Why can’t Meredith play nice with her Dad’s family? She is my least favorite character on the show. What was with the random sexual tension between Alex and Addison? That was random…sexual tension.

ER: I love you, but stop trying to be Grey’s Anatomy. You work so much better as a hard-hitting drama. Seriously, I cried at the end of the episode with Morris and the multiple personality guy talking about Match Box cars. Stick with what you know!

Battlestar Galactica: Was Boxing just a Black Market Redux? (Quelle Horreur!) I don’t think so, but some people beg to differ. I kinda liked it. It just goes to show how fucked up Starbuck is. But I love her. Remember when she was in the Cylon farm, and the doctor said the x-rays showed all her fingers had been previously broken and rehealed several times each? Well he did. More of that please. And when is Billy coming back as a Cylon? They’re really making us wait on that one! Please?

Desperate Housewives: I don’t have much to say about you. You are consistently entertaining. But nothing ever sticks out in my mind.

THIS is nearly the funniest thing I have ever read…ever!

I found this flyer in a booklet on preparing fun, ?helpful?, activities for teenage individuals. Observe:

The Above reads:

SEX
Now that I have your attention…I’d like to remind you that next week, HI-LIFE will present a provacative program entitled: “Is Sex a No-No?”

If you fit into one or more of the following categories, you need to come. (Check those that apply to you)

1. You went to the drive in movie last weekend and you can’t remember what movie you saw…
2. You wish you had a club on your last date…
3. Your boyfriend keeps taking you to see the “submarine races” at the river…
4. Your boyfriend just bought a van with a bed in it…
5. Your girlfriend likes to date in groups (like fifty or more)…
6. Your boyfriend has an eight-track stereo, and a one-track mind…
7. You believe in necking on the first date…
8. You believe in necking BEFORE the first date…
9. Holding hands turns you on…

Even if you don’t fit into any of the above categories, you’ll fit right in at HI-LIFE. The meeting starts at 7:23 p.m. sharp! See you there!

end.

So. I don’t know about you guys but holding hands turns me on like nothing else. Really, who needs sex when you can walk up to the river to see the submarine races and hold hands. Maybe if the hand holding is overwhelming, you can just neck a little.

So much of this ad is written really strangely. Most of the book is poorly written and tries to put in some slang-ish terms in the middle of serious things. I would have at least expected a different term for “turns you on.”

However, I do like a man with an eight-track stereo and a one-track mind. It shows that he not only loves music, but is dedicated to achieving his goals. And vans with beds in the back are pretty cool! And useful! Example: “Oh, shit! My house burned to the ground, I’ve lost all my precious belongings and even my kitten! But hey! I DO have a van with a mattress in the back! I won’t go cold or have to sleep at my weird Aunt’s house! Yippee!!”

Case Closed.

In today’s edition of Puntabulous-Counter-Puntabulous, Craig and Olivia go head to head over this seasons most important question. Which Christmas Carol is the best?

Olivia: The Twelve Days of Christmas is indubitably the BEST Christmas song there is. It covers everything Christmas related, and is sung to a snappy tune. It’s not just a short, sissy Christmas song either, it’s long! To sing it takes mad skill.

Craig: Are you kidding me!? Anyone in their right mind knows that The Little Drummer Boy is by FAR the best Christmas Carol. If by “snappy” you mean that the listener will “want to snap their head off out of boredom because the song is so freaking long and repetitive” then I would have to agree, your choice is snappy indeed.

Olivia: Little Drummer Boy?! Are you serious!!?? The singer of the song has to sing the drumming! That’s cheap! Rum bum bum BUM!? Rum bum bum suck is more like it! The Twelve Days of Christmas has something for everyone, my favorite, “fiiiive golden rings.” Every sane person loves to sing that part. I assume that since you’d want to snap your head off while listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas I will assume you are a crazy person. I can’t take your word for anything.

Craig: Oh. My. God. Not only is that song the worst, but that verse is even worser! Five Golden Rings! That is the point of the song where everyone who sings it, actually THINKS they can sing, and they accentuate, exagerate, elongate and any other “ates” out there because they think they are actually good singers! The Little Drummer boy is about a poor little boy who can’t afford to get Baby Jesus any gold, frankincense, or mir and can only give him the music from his drum. Anyone who doesn’t love that hates poor people and Baby Jesus.

Olivia: Sounds like something a crazy person would say to me. Twelve days of Christmas is about TRUE LOVE! Last time I checked, true love conquers all. Do I even need to keep debating? Yes, yes I do. But not because I didn’t make the greatest point ever there, but because I wish to verbally abuse you. Check it out: geese a-laying? maids a-milking? That’s right, you have eggs and milk from that song, you won’t go hungry. Poor little drummer boy can’t get you food, only shitty drumming, he’s poor!

Craig: It would seem that my suspicions are correct. You DO hate poor people. Poor children even! This “true love” that’s always sending crap to the singers house must be like a gazillionaire or something, which I suppose is the only reason why you love it so much. You love money! If this really were “true love” as you say, then why does the person need to buy their love with all those ridiculous presents? Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum comes from the heart, directly through my soul and into the heart of Baby Jesus.

Olivia: I call it like I see it. I do love money, because I could buy Baby Jesus presents if I had to, I wouldn’t have to go through the town drumming and waking everyone up, including Baby Jesus who was newly born and probably taking a nap!! Baby Jesus hates random drumming! But he loves two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

Craig: Actually, there was no one in the vicinity of the exquisitely beautiful drumming because money hungry monsters such as yourself wouldn’t give Baby Jesus’ parental units a room in any of the inns because they were broke! So they were in the ass crack of Bethlehem, where only themselves and farm animals were around to appreciate such fine drumming. Also, Baby Jesus wasn’t napping because there was too much saving-the-world to do. I’m pretty sure the Bible says that the drumming acted as his “thinkin’ music”.

Olivia: Your sacreligious defense of The Little Drummer Boy makes me throw up in my mouth! I’m relatively sure now that the Little Drummer Boy was probably the Antichrist anyway, who else would drum to wake up little Baby Jesus who was trying to take a nap before saving the world, etc.?? The Twelve Days of Christmas didn’t wake up Baby Jesus! It’s about presents! Who doesn’t love presents!? Sinners! That’s who! You know what else sinners like? Little Drummer Boys.

Craig: You’re right. The Twelve Days of Christmas didn’t wake up Baby Jesus, or anyone for that matter because it is the most boring Christmas Carol in the whole wide world. It doesn’t wake people up, it puts them to sleep! Eleven Pipers Piping! Ten Lords a Leaping! Nine Ladies blah biddy blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wait. What was that? The gentle drumming of a poor little orphan boy? I’m suddenly awake and interested again! Yay for little boys!

Olivia: I beg to diffa. (Like on American Idol.) Twelve Days of Christmas or one stupid drumming idiot child that wakes up towns and Baby Jesus and whom Jesus hates. If you don’t agree with me on this one, Jesus hates you also. And so do I. Twelve Days of Christmas has something for everyone!!! Ten Lords a Leaping! I LOVE lords! I love birds in trees! And so does God.

Craig: That’s it! I couldn’t figure out who you reminded me of, but your American Idol reference totally jogged my memory! You’re like Paula Abdul! You have no idea what you’re talking about! The Little Drummer Boy is the best because it proves that you don’t have to be rich, to be my messiah. And unless these Lords are leaping directly into my lap, I’m afraid that I don’t give a damn about them. Ladies Dancing? Nope! Not interested! Oh, and a partridge in a pear tree? Sorry! Return to sender!