PUNTABULOUS HABLA ESPANOL! SI!

Regularly in la clase de espanol I do not pay much attencion during libro work. But lately I’ve been looking with my ojos (eyes) through my libro (book) and have been finding some interesting pictures in our text book. And I’d like to know, just what kind of education am I getting here?

The illustration of “ducharse” or “to shower.” Quite sexy for school, eh? If I’m getting sent to the office for my shirt coming slightly (I’m talking a centimeter) over the waistband of my jeans, I want to see some fully clothed kids in my ducharse illustration. Or old people.

Even worse is the hair washing illustration. The guys sitting next to me were in love with this Spanish Muchacha, of course they don’t get any action.

If you’ve been to Memphis, then the image shown in the picture above is common to you-prositute flashing her goods to bring in some business.

Are we learning about people whom are hung over throwing up in the sink? Or are we learning about fruits and bread? Shameless.

Here the pictures take a turn, from trampy, to bad outfits. If this is how they dress in Spanish speaking countries, transfer me to French.

Before: A young couple dreaming of how wonderful children will be.

After: The mother alone, worn down by her children while her husband is out running around with the hooker from a few pictures ago.

In Spanish places, they have robots. Spanish robots. I’m not sure why the robot picture struck me as odd, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.

Last and really least, a flying man. A flying Spanish man. It could be phrased like a vacation/cruise commercial, “Fly to Tropical El Salvador, where all your Espanol dreams will be awakened…” Said in a sexy Spanish man voice (i.e. Antonio…!) and end with a shot of a beach lit by moonlight/fire and some hot half naked man.

PUNTABULOUS WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

I received lots of signed contracts back today at work. I needed someplace to put the “Sign Here” stickers (waste not, want not!) so my monitor seemed like an ideal place. By the time I was done, my monitor looked like a lion’s mane.

The eyes and nose helped a bit too.

Oh, and you know what rhymes with Lion? Ryan!

PUNTABULOUS IS SICK

Granted Olivia is like a million times sicker than me and still managed to post a super long post about the joys of her sickness, I am like a million times more of a baby than her. So I will use my sickness (read: sniffles and cough) as an excuse not to be creative, and instead present you with this:

There’s also THESE as provided by the wonderful and talented Brian.

PUNTABULOUS HAS THE FLU!

And what a funny word “flu” is!

Since last Wednesday, I have been in a spiraling pit of flu-age, partially dead every now and then, with a couple hallucinations brought on by fever. In the midst of all this pain and suffering brought upon me by said flu, I have managed to find some good. So now I present you with the Top Ten Reasons to have the Flu! (Or at least ten things that are okay about being sick)

1. No work! Especially if you work with food, like me. See, I can’t take any risk to be at the grand ol’ Quiznos spreading my disease! It was my first time to call in sick though, at any job, and it was pretty intense for me. I called my first day and didn’t quite know what to say. I called at about noon because I had just woken up, and boldly stated, “I’m super sick, I can’t come in for work today.” Then the next day I decided to tough it out and go to school for the three classes I have, then leave early. Five minutes into school I regreted my decision and again around noon while lying sprawled in a chair in the AV room, I called work and said (or more sort of raspy squeeked) that I couldn’t work. Same Saturday, and Saturday night saying I wouldn’t be there the next morning.

2. You can have all day Harry Potter movie marathons without any insult from friends or family. Because you have a high fever and are somewhat hazy, watching Harry Potter endlessly and commenting on how effing amazingly hot that Oliver Wood guy is is looked over. While people pity you, you can do anything. I killed a man while I’ve been sick, and the police just said “oh, you poor girl…would you like us to run a hot bath for you?”

3. People are super nice to you when they are usually either just normal nice or not nice. My wonderful Government teacher who has always been great seeing as we’re practically the only liberal wackos in the state asked if I’d like to take my test that I had come to school specifically so I wouldn’t miss (because I’m a dedicated student) a period early so that I could leave an hour earlier. I declined, because I was using that extra hour to study because I hadn’t the night/day/week before.

4. Getting to sleep as much as you like without being told to wake up by others. Actually, everyone is telling you to sleep! It’s crazy!

5. You get nice Myspace comments telling you to get well soon. The downside to this is that once you get better, no body cares anymore. It’s like, oh, yeah, Olivia, no comment. But I never leave people comments back so I don’t blame anyone.

6. You can be mean to people then later blame it on your sickness. “Sorry, this flu thing is just making me really irrational, I didn’t mean to call you an ignorant manbearpig.”

7. Long showers, no hassle. Usually there’s someone banging on the door or wall going “come on! you’re going to use all the hot water!” But instead, those people are thinking “oh that poor girl, she needs that shower more than we do, she’s so brave!”

8. I didn’t actually use this one, but was actually in a bad spot because of it, but if you lose your voice such as I did, and you don’t want to talk to someone, you have a very valid exuse. If people call you, you’re like, “ehh caaa ak!” translation: I can’t talk. and you’re a dildo. end translation.

9. Ice cream. You have a reason other than just being a fatty to consume copius amounts of delicious ice cream while you’re sick, especially with the flu. First place I went after I left school Friday, Kroger. Got some Ben and Jerry’s. Ate it.

10. You can continue saying you don’t feel well for at least a week after you’re just dandy. Example: “Hey Olivia, can you move this heavy object?” “Oh…I would, but (tries to move the thing) sh…eh…er…Sorry, I just don’t think I’m over this flu thing.” Accompany with a regretful look.

Hopefully I’ll be better by Wednesday folks, don’t be dumb like me, get your flu shot!

PUNTABULOUS HATES YOU

You know who I hate? Faux Brits. I’m not talking about Madonna, or Gwyneth Paltrow. They are beyond the realm of reality. Being celebrities their whole existence revolves around being fake.

I’m talking about actual people. Normal joes (and janes) who wish they were British. For instance: you go to London for… shall we say… 14 months for your job. You come back to America and now use British idioms such as “bloody” and “telly”. You also spell labor: labour, favorite: favourite, and color: colour.

Say you go to London, you make a conscious effort to fit in. You develop up their accent, you purposely change your spellings in order not to stand out. That I can deal with. In fact, I like it. It’s good to absorb the culture around you.

The problem I have is when you come back to the United States. Where is that conscious effort to bring your accent back to American? And your spelling back to American English?

“Oh I’m just used to spelling it this way from my time in London. It’s become habit.”

Yes, but you only did that to fit in. Where did the part of your brain that wants to fit in go to? And it was only 14 months for fucks sake!

Oh, and you wear enormous hats. Seriously, it’s larger that most New York City apartments. Remember when everyone was trying it on at the Chirstmas party? They were making fun of you!

Oh yes, this is all hypothetical by the way.

Any British people out there? What’s your take on the situation?

PUNTABULOUS LOVES BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

So who else is excited about tonight’s episode of Battlestar Galactica? Anyone? Anyone?

You won’t really understand the above picture unless you’ve seen the show. You will also need knowledge of by undying devotion to Billy and my unreasonable hope that he is a Cylon.

In all seriousness though, (really, who gets serious when talking about Battlestar Galactica?) my new theory is that Colonel Tigh is a Cylon. Perhaps that would explain why him and Starbuck always had that crazy rivalry since she might turn out to be some sort of magical human prophet.

PUNTABULOUS CARTOON SIDEKICKS

Here we will examine well-known cartoon sidekicks and review their gayness factors on a scale of 1-10: 1 being missionary through a hole in the blanket; 10 being ass bandit.

WHO: Soundwave. Decepticon.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Zero Flash. Zero Personality.
CASE FOR GAY: Besides his undying devotion to Decepticon Leader Megatron, you can probably tell from the above picture that Soundwave can transform into a tape deck. The tapes that go inside Soundwave (up to 4 at time) are also Transformers, changing from tapes to humanoid robots at will. With this in mind, one can conclude that at any given time, Soundwave has 4 men inside of him.
GAY FACTOR: 10

WHO: Patrick the Starfish. Best friend of Spongebob Squarepants.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Lack of fingers = Lack of quality jazz hands.
CASE FOR GAY: Since the advent of “metrosexuality” wearing pink is no longer a viable reason to assume someone is gay. Also, if given a choice between living under a rock and living in a pineapple, gays always pick the pineapple.
GAY FACTOR: 3

WHO: Velma Dinkley. Brainy sidekick of the Scooby Doo Gang.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: In all the various iterations of “Scooby Doo” throughout the years, never once has Velma been seen playing softball.
CASE FOR GAY: Let’s face it, there’s always been that certain… shall we say: jinkie se quoi that lets the audience know that Velma is on the right side of gay.
GAY FACTOR: 9

WHO: Dynomutt. Trusty sidekick of crimefighter Blue Falcon.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Statistically speaking, there aren’t that many gay superheroes. Unless you count Brandon Routh.
CASE FOR GAY: Prioritizes wearing a cape over pants.
GAY FACTOR: 4

WHO: Cringer/Battlecat. He-Man’s occasionally ferocious but always loyal steed.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Green and orange fur with a maroon saddle? Puh-lease!
CASE FOR GAY: He’s a shy kitty, until Master of the Universe He-Man uses his Sword (phallus) to turn him into a ferocious (or as the gays say: fierce!) Battlecat with a penchant for leather.
GAY FACTOR: 7

WHO: Launchpad McQuack. Pilot extraordinaire for the McDuck estate.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Gays usually stay outside the cockpit and inside the aisles.
CASE FOR GAY: A strapping young lad in the service of an extremely wealthy older gentleduck? Sounds fishy to me!
GAY FACTOR: 5

WHO: Gleep. Member of the Herculoids.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Lacks the ability to get hard, even when presented with Tundro’s explosive energy ball spewing horn.
CASE FOR GAY: Commonly paired with scantily clad man-child Dorno. Relationship with fellow protoplast Gloop never fully explained.
GAY FACTOR: 6

WHO: Jabberjaw. Drummer for the traveling underwater band: The Neptunes. No, really.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Constant use of Three Stooges phrases. Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Gays don’t know the Three Stooges, we know the Three Splooges. Zing!
CASE FOR GAY: I hate Jabberjaw, so I will not even entertain the option that he might be gay.
GAY FACTOR: -67438

Previously: PUNTABULOUS LEADERS OF SCIENCE FICTION

PUNTABULOUS LOVES IRONY

The display on my phone at work:

Even the electronics in this place knows I’m gay.

PUNTABULOUS LOVES VALENTINES DAY

It’s that time of year again!

Shazam!

THE LAIR OF PUNTABULOUS!

Upon having a friend ask how I decorated my room, I realized, wow, many, many people might just wonder that. Folks might stay up late at night, just wondering what sort of amazing room I have. Well, it’s nothing exciting. But it is pretty amazing. So tonight I give you, the lair (lair being defined as the shelter or hiding place of a wild animal, how cool is that?) of Olivia!

Welcome to my room dear friends! Behind me are the two paintings produced during my “I want to be a painter” phase! In this pink palace of mine, you might have your face blown right off! OH, wait!

That’s George W. Bush, not Dick! Oh ho ho ho! Chuckle. Nice mustache George! What a joker!

I’ve never given a tour of anything before, and so I wasn’t quite sure where to start-

I guess that going with the place I spend my most time first will be best!

This corner! As you can see, this is the upper corner of my bed, close to the phone, iPod thing, and with a large open space of wall ideal for…

constructing a story board. Right now I’m working on a commercial targeted toward Middle School Students about the dangers of smoking (or something) for a scholarship. And I will tell you this-it’s going to blow your face off!

OH! Nevermind! It was George Again! He just looks so much like a young Dick Cheney with that mustache! (I don’t think young Cheney had a mustache.)

Further up from all that pizazz is a wall covered in amazing type things. Let’s take a closer look…

A tiny clipping of Demetri Martin! Fantasmical! I do say, that is one handsome man. And smart, he went to Yale.

Also, check out and appreciate my Unicorn plaque! 75 cents at a thrift store in Washington! BAM! That is a deal. And so stylish. Let’s continue…

Here is my desk, where I do no actual work, but more like, fixing my hair and putting stuff on the desk and stuff. Once I tried working on work there, but it’s just so effing tiny, you can’t construct a palindrome in that mess! Actually, I’m not having any luck making any palindrome, regardless of mess.

Some may wonder, “What do you read Olivia? And when? How much?”

I like to read multiple things at one time, multi-tasking is very efficient and exercises my brain like nothing else. I have all the bases covered in this picture, a classic novel, a very funny book by Jon Stewart, a magazine that makes me look cool, and something that tells me if I’m not saying a word or phrase correctly. Terrific.

That’s my fat cat. Notice the action shot, she was twitching her tail because she’s bipolar.

Lastly, this to show my sensitive, musical side. I don’t actually play guitar, nor is there even a guitar in the case. I bought the case for seven dollars and the Salvation Army. I got it mostly so that people would be really impressed when they saw I had it, jumping to the conclusion that I played, or that there was a guitar in the case. But there’s not, and I don’t. (Looks cool though, doesn’t it?)