SOMETIMES PUNTABULOUS WOULD RATHER BE A WOMAN!

Hey folks, Craig here. In the same vein as Puntabulous Counter Puntabulous, I wish to present you with an opposing viewpoint to Olivia’s post from yesterday! Being a man isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be!

Exhibit A-Strength
Yes, STATISTICALLY boys are stronger than girls. But what about those few of us, like the courageous salmon, who swim against the current? Who don’t give in to society’s pressures? Who can still, at the age of 25, lose an arm wrestling match to his older sister? Brave souls such as these face persecution each and every day. It’s okay if a girl asks someone to open the pickle jar for her. It’s almost expected. And hey, if she can open it herself, more power to her. But boys can’t do that. Not without facing the cold, judging stares of his peers (and sister).

Exhibit B-Crying
Say you’re a girl who gets pulled over for speeding. The police officer is a gentleman of about 45. He comes over to your car, and you are so extremely nervous, that you burst out crying. Through your tears, you explain how sorry you are, and how you were just in a rush to get home, and how you’ll never be able to explain this to your parents. The police officer looks upon you and sees the face of his own daughter, who just happens to be your age. He thinks how he would beat the crap out of anyone who made her cry the way he made you cry. And takes pity upon you, dries your tears, kisses you on the forehead and lets you off with a warning.

Now repeat the same situation for a boy. Tears pouring forth don’t remind the police officer of his daughter, they remind him of a pansy boy. There is no pity, there is no tear-drying, and there is CERTAINLY no kiss on the forehead. There is only the you, him, and the ticket, which he has surely written you.

Exhibit C-Sex
Let’s face it, guys are hot. Well actually, a lot of guys are hot. Some guys aren’t. But there’s always someone uglier than them thinking they’re hot and wanting to sex them up. My point is: girls get to have sex with boys. Yes, yes, I can have sex with guys too, but not without sick and outrageous accusations thrust upon me such as “gay”, “homo”, or the worst of them all: the F word, which is so heinous that I had to put it in inviso-text (highlight to read, if you dare!): “fairy”.

If I were a woman-
I would be the most fabulous woman that ever was! I would wear outrageous outfits! I would be a performer! Probably in a seductive, smoke-filled lounge! Perhaps even in a gay club! My stage name would be Cruella Summers! Oh wait, that’s what it would be like if I were a drag queen.

If I were a woman, I would totally be Murphy Brown, serious, award-winning journalist with a flare for wit! I would live in a fabulous house with a live in man-servant/painter who would be a million times hotter than Eldin (I thought his name was Elvin, but IMDB says Eldin. Who in the world is named Eldin? On second thought, who in the world is named Elvin? He’s not a Tolkien species after all!). I would be invited to all the big, important parties, and I would know the proper pronunciation of Chechnya, Chech-nee-YA, Chech-NEE-ya.