Jan
25
Here we will examine well-known cartoon sidekicks and review their gayness factors on a scale of 1-10: 1 being missionary through a hole in the blanket; 10 being ass bandit.
WHO: Soundwave. Decepticon.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Zero Flash. Zero Personality.
CASE FOR GAY: Besides his undying devotion to Decepticon Leader Megatron, you can probably tell from the above picture that Soundwave can transform into a tape deck. The tapes that go inside Soundwave (up to 4 at time) are also Transformers, changing from tapes to humanoid robots at will. With this in mind, one can conclude that at any given time, Soundwave has 4 men inside of him.
GAY FACTOR: 10
WHO: Patrick the Starfish. Best friend of Spongebob Squarepants.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Lack of fingers = Lack of quality jazz hands.
CASE FOR GAY: Since the advent of “metrosexuality” wearing pink is no longer a viable reason to assume someone is gay. Also, if given a choice between living under a rock and living in a pineapple, gays always pick the pineapple.
GAY FACTOR: 3
WHO: Velma Dinkley. Brainy sidekick of the Scooby Doo Gang.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: In all the various iterations of “Scooby Doo” throughout the years, never once has Velma been seen playing softball.
CASE FOR GAY: Let’s face it, there’s always been that certain… shall we say: jinkie se quoi that lets the audience know that Velma is on the right side of gay.
GAY FACTOR: 9
WHO: Dynomutt. Trusty sidekick of crimefighter Blue Falcon.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Statistically speaking, there aren’t that many gay superheroes. Unless you count Brandon Routh.
CASE FOR GAY: Prioritizes wearing a cape over pants.
GAY FACTOR: 4
WHO: Cringer/Battlecat. He-Man’s occasionally ferocious but always loyal steed.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Green and orange fur with a maroon saddle? Puh-lease!
CASE FOR GAY: He’s a shy kitty, until Master of the Universe He-Man uses his Sword (phallus) to turn him into a ferocious (or as the gays say: fierce!) Battlecat with a penchant for leather.
GAY FACTOR: 7
WHO: Launchpad McQuack. Pilot extraordinaire for the McDuck estate.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Gays usually stay outside the cockpit and inside the aisles.
CASE FOR GAY: A strapping young lad in the service of an extremely wealthy older gentleduck? Sounds fishy to me!
GAY FACTOR: 5
WHO: Gleep. Member of the Herculoids.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Lacks the ability to get hard, even when presented with Tundro’s explosive energy ball spewing horn.
CASE FOR GAY: Commonly paired with scantily clad man-child Dorno. Relationship with fellow protoplast Gloop never fully explained.
GAY FACTOR: 6
WHO: Jabberjaw. Drummer for the traveling underwater band: The Neptunes. No, really.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Constant use of Three Stooges phrases. Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Gays don’t know the Three Stooges, we know the Three Splooges. Zing!
CASE FOR GAY: I hate Jabberjaw, so I will not even entertain the option that he might be gay.
GAY FACTOR: -67438
Previously: PUNTABULOUS LEADERS OF SCIENCE FICTION
January 25th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
OK, I’ll buy that Jabberjaw can’t be gay…but what about his buddy, Clamhead? I would think the name alone implies a certain degree of transgendered possibilities.
January 26th, 2007 at 1:44 am
Got-dam! Someone ELSE has heard of The Herculoids, the best ‘toons of the mid-60’s! Aw-Right!
Gotta agree with you on the Gleep’s gay meter, too…as a kid I always wondered why they hadn’t merged…
January 26th, 2007 at 2:52 am
What? No Snagglepuss?
January 26th, 2007 at 9:04 am
A man who knows his cartoon sidekicks AND his gayness…all quite funny, but the “jinkie se quoi”…God, that’s great!
Marry me! now!
HUGS….
January 26th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Great List! Honestly I have no idea who either Gleep or Jabberjaw are, but no matter. One glaring omission, however, was Vanity Smurf! Flowers in his hair? Come ON!
January 26th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Have you SEEN the Rock-A-Bivalve or the Dumped episodes of Spongebob? You would raise Patrick score.
And no love for Jabberjaw? Why I never! Aaah-uun. Wah-wah-wah. Nyuk, nyuk!
January 27th, 2007 at 11:22 am
[...] And finally, Craig had a great list of cartoon sidekicks and their gayness factor. Two of them I disagree with. 1. Patrick Star only got a gay factor of 3? I offer to the court these two pieces of evidence: This clip from “Rock-A-Bye Bi-Valve” [...]
January 29th, 2007 at 11:44 am
yeah, i’m an idiot. totally missed the word “sidekicks.” no more commenting first thing in the morning for me!
May 31st, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Great list. Why stop there? Old school sidekicks might include Tennessee Tuxedo’s Chumley and Yogi Bear’s Boo-Boo.