Here we will examine well-known cartoon sidekicks and review their gayness factors on a scale of 1-10: 1 being missionary through a hole in the blanket; 10 being ass bandit.
WHO: Soundwave. Decepticon.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Zero Flash. Zero Personality.
CASE FOR GAY: Besides his undying devotion to Decepticon Leader Megatron, you can probably tell from the above picture that Soundwave can transform into a tape deck. The tapes that go inside Soundwave (up to 4 at time) are also Transformers, changing from tapes to humanoid robots at will. With this in mind, one can conclude that at any given time, Soundwave has 4 men inside of him.
GAY FACTOR: 10
WHO: Patrick the Starfish. Best friend of Spongebob Squarepants.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Lack of fingers = Lack of quality jazz hands.
CASE FOR GAY: Since the advent of “metrosexuality” wearing pink is no longer a viable reason to assume someone is gay. Also, if given a choice between living under a rock and living in a pineapple, gays always pick the pineapple.
GAY FACTOR: 3
WHO: Velma Dinkley. Brainy sidekick of the Scooby Doo Gang.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: In all the various iterations of “Scooby Doo” throughout the years, never once has Velma been seen playing softball.
CASE FOR GAY: Let’s face it, there’s always been that certain… shall we say: jinkie se quoi that lets the audience know that Velma is on the right side of gay.
GAY FACTOR: 9
WHO: Dynomutt. Trusty sidekick of crimefighter Blue Falcon.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Statistically speaking, there aren’t that many gay superheroes. Unless you count Brandon Routh.
CASE FOR GAY: Prioritizes wearing a cape over pants.
GAY FACTOR: 4
WHO: Cringer/Battlecat. He-Man’s occasionally ferocious but always loyal steed.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Green and orange fur with a maroon saddle? Puh-lease!
CASE FOR GAY: He’s a shy kitty, until Master of the Universe He-Man uses his Sword (phallus) to turn him into a ferocious (or as the gays say: fierce!) Battlecat with a penchant for leather.
GAY FACTOR: 7
WHO: Launchpad McQuack. Pilot extraordinaire for the McDuck estate.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Gays usually stay outside the cockpit and inside the aisles.
CASE FOR GAY: A strapping young lad in the service of an extremely wealthy older gentleduck? Sounds fishy to me!
GAY FACTOR: 5
WHO: Gleep. Member of the Herculoids.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Lacks the ability to get hard, even when presented with Tundro’s explosive energy ball spewing horn.
CASE FOR GAY: Commonly paired with scantily clad man-child Dorno. Relationship with fellow protoplast Gloop never fully explained.
GAY FACTOR: 6
WHO: Jabberjaw. Drummer for the traveling underwater band: The Neptunes. No, really.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Constant use of Three Stooges phrases. Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Gays don’t know the Three Stooges, we know the Three Splooges. Zing!
CASE FOR GAY: I hate Jabberjaw, so I will not even entertain the option that he might be gay.
GAY FACTOR: -67438
Previously: PUNTABULOUS LEADERS OF SCIENCE FICTION
OK, I’ll buy that Jabberjaw can’t be gay…but what about his buddy, Clamhead? I would think the name alone implies a certain degree of transgendered possibilities.
Got-dam! Someone ELSE has heard of The Herculoids, the best ‘toons of the mid-60′s! Aw-Right!
Gotta agree with you on the Gleep’s gay meter, too…as a kid I always wondered why they hadn’t merged…
What? No Snagglepuss?
A man who knows his cartoon sidekicks AND his gayness…all quite funny, but the “jinkie se quoi”…God, that’s great!
Marry me! now!
HUGS….
Great List! Honestly I have no idea who either Gleep or Jabberjaw are, but no matter. One glaring omission, however, was Vanity Smurf! Flowers in his hair? Come ON!
Have you SEEN the Rock-A-Bivalve or the Dumped episodes of Spongebob? You would raise Patrick score.
And no love for Jabberjaw? Why I never! Aaah-uun. Wah-wah-wah. Nyuk, nyuk!
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yeah, i’m an idiot. totally missed the word “sidekicks.” no more commenting first thing in the morning for me!
Great list. Why stop there? Old school sidekicks might include Tennessee Tuxedo’s Chumley and Yogi Bear’s Boo-Boo.
HONG KONG PHOOIES sidekicker was a cat named SPOT but he was striped