So I get this Myspace message today:
Subject: hi
Body: Generou$ 49yo Out East Looking to $poil a Cute Lean Younger Guy Like You ; – ) mail me back here or im me on aim/aol
First off, let’s call it what it is, it’s an offer to be my sugar daddy. As I’ve always said, I’m totally open to having a sugar daddy, but only if they are young and hot, which I think goes against the whole reason for being a sugar daddy. If you’re young and hot, you don’t need to pay someone for sex.
$econdly, I love how generous and spoil are spelt with dollar signs. As if I wouldn’t know what he meant by “generous” and “spoil”. “Wait a minute! I think that means he wants to pay me for sex! Golly!”
But then again, if “generous” and “spoil” meant making my lunch for work in the morning, I would do amazing things to this man. Let me tell you, if I have to make one more fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I’m gonna go postal. But that’s besides the point.
Anyway, what do we think made this man think I was on the market for a sugar daddy? Let’s examine one of my Myspace pictures, shall we?
1. Down trodden expression. Am I poor? Have I given up on life? Do I need a big strong man to come and re$cue me? Am I willing to do ANYTHING for help?
2. Dirty shirt. Believe it or not, this shirt is actually white. It just hasn’t been washed in forever since I’m so poor. How about I go down on 49 year old men for money so I can do my laundry? Brilliant! On second thought, if I get a sugar daddy, I might need to start walking around in skimpy clothing to please my man. In that case, I wouldn’t have much laundry.
3. Hand-on-Hip. A sign of impatience. Come on already! I’m not getting any younger. And by god neither are you!
4. Gratuitous crotch shot. Just because. Wink.
I guess I was asking for it after all. Clearly the above picture is the picture of a man who wants, nay, NEEDS a sugar daddy. So really, who can blame him? Now if only he’d make me my sandwich…
Previously: PUNTABULOUS GETS A ROMANTIC LETTER!, PUNTABULOUS SEEKS A SUGAR DADDY!
I’d totally take you out to Taco Bell as long as you kept it under $3. That’s how much I love you. Really! It’s real love, not that $quirt on your face and then I’m gone kind either.
You’re lucky. I don’t even get offers any more.
Probably because of my Taco Bell breath.
Would you settle for a sugar big brother who could introduce you to the joy of peanut butter and maple syrup sandwiches?
Not offering. Just, you know, saying….
Well, when you put pictures of yourself on the internet looking like THAT, Craig, what do you expect? Whore.
On the subject of love, and knowing your feelings about Cupid, you need to see this: http://www.myspace.com/theworkingcupid
I just want to warn you that he has infiltrated my workplace and may be on the move – watch yourself!
I dunno Craig McAnal… you should consider it. You’d be a “kept man.” Your only responsibilities would be to wear short shorts and risk melanoma on account of all the afternoons by the pool.
Okay, maybe not your ONLY responsibilities. Craiggers would have to do a lot of things to earn his keep.
You’re to be had for a simple sandwich in the morning? ye Gods, man! I’ve been going about this ALL wrong…
Hey, Craig-y….got a little MeatLoaf on Rye here…or a turkey on white, with mayo and swiss cheese….how about a bologna and kiwi and wheat?
Want me yet?
HUGS…
You failed to mention how AWESOME it is that pederasts have learned how to use MySpace! I smell progress!