Puntabulous

Let’s face it, if you watch 24, you know that Jack yells a lot. And I got to thinking, why does he have to yell so much? Can he not just talk in a normal tone? Here’s how I would handle the situation of Jack yelling.

Well folks, I’ve fallen in love. A Valentine’s Day miracle, perhaps? Will Cupid be spared from my sadistic pleasures after all? We met this weekend at the movies. My life will never be the same.

His name is Michael Sheen.

Okay, that’s a bad picture. Here’s a better one:

Isn’t he handsome? He played Tony Blair in The Queen, which I saw this weekend, and it was amazing.

Adorable! But I’ve saved the best for last:

Oh goodness. Look at him. No really, look at him. Looks like my Valentine’s Day will consist of Chubby Hubby ice cream and renting every Michael Sheen movie possible. Dependent upon my mood, I may find it necessary to throw darts at a picture of Kate Beckinsale for divorcing him for their Underworld director. THEIR Underworld director. A movie they starred in together. Awkward! He deserves better than that. He deserves some (read: a lot of) Puntabulous lovin’.

Sorry folks, you’re not going to understand this unless you have a prior knowledge of the television show Heroes.

If you don’t watch Heroes, all you need to know is that Cupid is dead. And that’s all that matters. Down with love.

I have my follow-up appointment in the morning to find out if the hardcore drugs they gave me are working, my opinion is they aren’t, but we’ll see. I usually don’t like going to the doctor because, well, there’s a lot of sick people there, and I don’t like sick people. When I’m sick I at least have a good outfit, these people don’t, and they cough and are gross all over the place.

But my last visit to the doctor was great, there was a short wait, and my usual doctor didn’t see me, some other doctor did. Sure this wasn’t a Zach Braff on Scrubs type doctor like I always hope for, but this doctor was a whole lot nice than my other one. My other one always acts like I’m faking it, and she is generally not friendly and seems angry. I don’t like that woman.

That whole thing had nothing to do with my post for today, but it’s important information for if and when they ever have questions about me on Jeopardy.

What I’d like to talk about is the fact that people don’t find the funniest things funny when I love them and think they are hilarious. Examples:

You probably have to watch the rest of the episodes to totally get it, but it’s HILARIOUS! (For the rest of the episodes you can go to www.thelonelyisland.com, and it’s easy from there.)

The main issue is when I send someone a link out of complete love for them, and they tell me later that they didn’t like it. First of all, we’re not friends anymore if you do this. Secondly, I don’t really want your opinon of it unless it’s something along the lines of “Oh Olivia, that was hilarious, you’re fantastic! And also, your hair looks great today! As does the rest of you!”

Also, I’m totally in love with the guy who’s the ninja.

So I get this Myspace message today:

Subject: hi

Body: Generou$ 49yo Out East Looking to $poil a Cute Lean Younger Guy Like You ; - ) mail me back here or im me on aim/aol

First off, let’s call it what it is, it’s an offer to be my sugar daddy. As I’ve always said, I’m totally open to having a sugar daddy, but only if they are young and hot, which I think goes against the whole reason for being a sugar daddy. If you’re young and hot, you don’t need to pay someone for sex.

$econdly, I love how generous and spoil are spelt with dollar signs. As if I wouldn’t know what he meant by “generous” and “spoil”. “Wait a minute! I think that means he wants to pay me for sex! Golly!”

But then again, if “generous” and “spoil” meant making my lunch for work in the morning, I would do amazing things to this man. Let me tell you, if I have to make one more fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I’m gonna go postal. But that’s besides the point.

Anyway, what do we think made this man think I was on the market for a sugar daddy? Let’s examine one of my Myspace pictures, shall we?

1. Down trodden expression. Am I poor? Have I given up on life? Do I need a big strong man to come and re$cue me? Am I willing to do ANYTHING for help?

2. Dirty shirt. Believe it or not, this shirt is actually white. It just hasn’t been washed in forever since I’m so poor. How about I go down on 49 year old men for money so I can do my laundry? Brilliant! On second thought, if I get a sugar daddy, I might need to start walking around in skimpy clothing to please my man. In that case, I wouldn’t have much laundry.

3. Hand-on-Hip. A sign of impatience. Come on already! I’m not getting any younger. And by god neither are you!

4. Gratuitous crotch shot. Just because. Wink.

I guess I was asking for it after all. Clearly the above picture is the picture of a man who wants, nay, NEEDS a sugar daddy. So really, who can blame him? Now if only he’d make me my sandwich…

Previously: PUNTABULOUS GETS A ROMANTIC LETTER!, PUNTABULOUS SEEKS A SUGAR DADDY!

And it’s a bitch, let me tell ya! The doctor says that apparently I did not have the flu, but in fact, the pneumonias. Notice the pluralization, makes it sound fancy.

And it’s cool pneumonia, because it is very rare. Instead of being in the bottom of my lung, it is located right up top. Do you think that this had anything to do with it?

Probably not. Anywho, I had you folks in mind while at the doctor’s office, and I made sure to take some pictures to let you know how the whole thing went, enjoy!

First of all, there was a lot of waiting, I did not feel loved at all in this pale stale place. Look at the wall behind me! It’s cold in there, atmospherically! Mood-wise! Brr!

I decided to lighten the mood and make myself feel better by taking a little cone thing that they stick in your ear!

I’m so rebellious! Hahahaha!

I took most of these pictures while sitting upon the Ritter 104, sitty doctor office bed thing! Delux. Wayyy better than the Ritter 103!

I was immediatly discriminated against for my know-mo-than-ya. In the pamplet holder, there was every other illness, but not mine. Jerks.

But really-where were the doctors during all of this? They FINALLY came to check me out for the pneumonias. But I’m not sure what sort of doctors they were!

“Are you SURE this is the exam for pneumonia?!”

And why was there a random lamp in the corner?! And it didn’t work, it was a broken lamp.

Then the cool part, the appalling part, the apparently terrifying part for the stupid girl before me!

The blood taking! They took a load of my blood too! I didn’t get to take a picture during it though, I was too busy being amazed!

Then more waiting. But I found more things to entertain myself while worrying that I was dying of no moan for ya.

As you can see though, others weren’t so fidgety and restless. Here, my Mom shows how worried she is concerning my physical health.

Then there was a poster with an old man on it. Not a hot, young man to grab my attention, so it must not be an important disease poster.

And WHY was I being kept in a room with biohazardous things!? I’m very fragile.

Then I saw something I liked. I should blame my sickness on work…I am unable to work, am a worker, and should be compensated.

I don’t even know what these were, but it sounds like something from Men in Black, and I loved that movie.

Then I found something I really loved playing with-the something looker inner. It. Was. Amazing. But made noise when I took it out of its holder, so I put it back immediatly after the picture was taken because I was scared because my doctor is mean.

This jar caught my eye, and the promise of “fewer coughs, wetter coughs” made me sort of grossed out, because wetter coughs sound weird.

Then they told me I had an atypical form of pneumonia and put me on drugs and I am not allowed at school until at the very earliest my next check-up and no work for another weekend. But hey, I get to be like “Oh, I would help you, but…my pneumonia hurts.” Because really, it does.

Have you ever wanted to know what Puntabulous sounds like? Well here’s your chance! I made a guest appearance on “Moldawer in the Morning”, this great podcast my friend Dave does, where he talks about random topics in the news. And when I say “random” I really mean “random”. Like, they’re funny stories, so don’t worry, you won’t need to learn anything.

CHECK IT OUT HERE!

And the bottoms lived happily ever after.

The end.

Goodnight kids.

He’s gone!

What do we do now?

We can start by sucking my dick!

Come on Optimus. We all know you don’t have a dick!

Oh, like you’re one to talk!

Uh…yeah…I kinda am.

I read a statistic on Foxnews.com that 98% of all black people are on Welfare.

Yeah, well I read another statistic that said 99% of all black people don’t know how to read.

Uh oh.

Fuck. Oof. Damn it. Fuck. Ow!

…………………

So what do you want to do, Darth Tater?

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

Ugh. He’s been like that ever since Craig’s mom put Natalie Portman, his wife, in the garage.

Well I know what always cheers me up.

Who’s got a gerbil?

Shit man, you’re disgusting!

You know what’s really disgusting!? Not helping a friend in need!

Come on man! I’m a turtle! The only dark holes I like to go inside of are my own!

This…is…disgusting. It smells like month old mashed potatoes in here. And I don’t even want to know what I just stepped in! Is that a spare ear? Gross!

Come on! Quit complaining! That smell is completely normal! Now get to work in there! Stretch out! Dig in! Show your host a good time! Doesn’t that feel good Darth?

Impressive. Most impressive.

Previously on PUNTABULOUS INANIMATE OBJECTS.

THE GOOD:

Veronica Mars is back on track. Yes, I always enjoy Veronica Mars, but the first half of the season seemed to be lacking that special something that made me love it. But these past two episodes since it came back from winter haitus were amazing. Veronica making Battlestar Galactica references faster than you can say “Where’s Wallace?” Logan more shirtless than not? Mac kissing? Parker with an actual bona fide personality? Feeling bad for Piz even though he has an awful haircut? Good stuff!

Little Miss Sunshine. I finally saw it for the first time and loved it. But my major question is, now that Dakota Fanning is a member of the Academy, do we think she won’t vote for Abigail Breslin? I mean, there has to be some jealousy issues since Dakota is the go-to girl for lovable tots, and this Abigail chick comes in and gets a nomination. I know I wouldn’t vote for her, just out of spite. But I’m an asshole like that.

THE BAD:

The fact that Mary McDonnell hasn’t been nominated for any major awards for her work as President Laura Roslin on Battlestar Galactica. Seriously. We all know the show has a funny name. And we all know it’s on the Sci-Fi channel which may or may not be the same channel that produces such garbage as Pteradactyl starring none other than Coolio. But she is amazing! If she yelled at me the way she yelled at Gaius Baltar in last weeks episode, I would build a spaceship with my bare hands just so I would have an airlock to throw myself out of.

THE UGLY:

This commercial:

Imagine this if you will: I have just been eaten by the mighty Sarlacc. I manage to fight my way out of the vile acids of the creature’s stomach and back up to the beast’s mouth. I reach out of its powerful maw and grab hold of a conveniently placed vine. I pull and pull with all my might and am able to pull myself halfway out of the Sarlacc. Just as I am about to pull myself free, I hear this commercial playing in the distance near Mos Eisley (it is a hive of scum and villainy, after all). I gladly release the vine and fall back within the Sarlacc where I will be digested over several thousand years. I smile knowing I will never have to hear that commercial ever again. Then I turn to Boba Fett and make fun of him for dying in such a lame manner.