As Katiefucious pointed out I may have left off some characters in my last Puntabulous Leaders of Science Fiction post. So in an attempt to complete my review I will continue to examine major leaders of science fiction and review their gayness factors on a scale of 1-10: 1 being missionary through a hole in the blanket; 10 being ass bandit.

WHO: Captain Kathryn Janeway: Captain of the U.S.S. Voyager.
CASE FOR GAY: It is a scientific fact that all women in positions of authority are lesbians. If they were straight, they’d be too busy being pregnant and cooking for their man to have careers.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Um, does she look pregnant and in the kitchen to you?
GAY FACTOR: 10

WHO: Captain James T. Kirk: Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
CASE FOR GAY: Never settled down. Close friendship with Spock, who was always too logical to give in to Kirk’s more human desires.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: As shown in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (DIRECTED BY WILLIAM SHATNER!!!) James T. Kirk is the manliest man who ever manned his way through a manly space mission.
GAY FACTOR: 3

WHO: Morpheus: Leader of the Human Rebellion.
CASE FOR GAY: Is never too busy fighting the impending annihilation of the human race via killer robots to attend a rave.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Refuses to dance at said slow-motion, afrocentric raves.
GAY FACTOR: 6

WHO: Keith: Leader of the Voltron Force.
CASE FOR GAY: Enjoys having four other men plug into him.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Brief flirtation with Princess Allura, but always had eyes for Lance, who was constantly giving Keith his right hand, if you know what I mean.
GAY FACTOR: 9

WHO: Skeletor: Leader of Eternia’s Evil Forces.
CASE FOR GAY: Purple + Leather = Big Gay Purple Leather Daddy. Also, limp wrist.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: Would a gay guy really want to kill He-Man? Eternia doesn’t have nearly enough scantily clad men running around in fur panties.
GAY FACTOR: 5

WHO: Emperor Palpatine: Leader of the Evil Galactic Empire.
CASE FOR GAY: Enjoys taking strapping young lads under his wing under the guise of being his “apprentice”. Yes, Christopher Lee as Count Dooku counts! The Emperor is probably like a 1,000 years old. Compared to that, even Yoda could be considered young and strapping.
CASE FOR STRAIGHT: What? They don’t have Botox or self-tanner in space?
GAY FACTOR: 4

And it wasn’t some mediocre crisis, either. It wasn’t a fender-bender. It wasn’t running out of sugar while baking cookies, however that is terrible if that happens. I drank a large coke right before they locked the bathrooms at school. It. Was. A. Nightmare.

But first you have to know that crazy people run our school, and they lock the bathrooms as soon as the final bell rings. However, they usually leave two bathrooms at the back of the school open. Or so it would seem.

After I “Point of Personal Privileged” myself out of the debate, I strolled down the hall to the bathroom that was supposed to be opened. I turned to the girls’ door and—it was LOCKED!

Up until now I had been really optimistic about the whole situation, and with this newfound door lockage, I was really upset. With a ’shit, no’ I turned around to go back. Upon turning, I see the boys’ room. It’s unlocked.

And I have to say, I’m glad I’m a girl after seeing the state of that bathroom. It was just GROSS! Unsanitary! I don’t know what was on the wall in there, but it wasn’t something that a girl puts there!!

The moral of the story is this: It’s ridiculous to leave only a boys’ bathroom unlocked. But if you are a small girl filled with a large coke, you can tough it out, because you are a trooper.

So here is a little game I like to play (with myself) when I’m riding on the subway. It’s not hard at all, but you have to be sitting down and across from a set of doors to play. It’s kind of like playing slot machines. I shall call it…

SUBWAY SLOTS!

Imagine this if you will: You’re pulling into the station and you watch all the potential loves-of-your-life standing on the platform pass by and hope that the doors you’re sitting across from land on just the right one.

It goes kind of like this:

Yes!

Almost!

Fuck!

I always land on a lemon. But then again, maybe the people on the platform are saying the same thing when they land on me. EEK!

Well folks, the first day of Spring has come and gone. That means you need to start getting out of your houses and start enjoying the world! I’ve come up with the following guide to help you out of your winter hibernation:

FIRST: DON’T PANIC!

That light in your face is completely normal. It’s called “The Sun”. It’s going to be a little weird at first. The sunlight takes some getting used to. Kinda like Ryan Seacrest’s face.

But before long you’ll realize it isn’t all that bad. Unlike Ryan Seacrest’s face.

NEXT: ENJOY NATURE!

Turn off those television sets and go out and enjoy nature! God didn’t intelligently design nature just for you to sit around watching Golden Girls reruns all day!

But not until after rigorously searching through the TV guide to make sure you have at least a half an hour of time available to spend away from the TV. It’s a Golden Palace marathon instead. Perfect! Now’s your chance to enjoy nature!

Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel good? Who needs TV?! Take in nature with all of it’s glorious splendor. God would be proud! (God thinks Golden Palace sucks too.)

FOLLOWED BY: KEEP ACTIVE!

Hula Hooping is a fun and effective way to stay active in the outdoors!

Fuck!

I suck at hula hoops.

THEN: THINK SMART!

If you’re one of those people that’s tied to their jobs (cough! cough! LOSER! cough!) laptops are perfect for getting work done outdoors.

Just make sure you come fully prepared.

LASTLY: BREATHE IT IN!

Yay Spring!

“Wow, that really makes me feel sad.” This is a line uttered by many a sad person, and after this is said, or thought, said sad person deals with their said sadness in their own sad way. So now I present you with, the way I deal with my sad feelings.

Stage One: Crashing

“I hate me. I have no soul.”
Directly after being insulted, etc, my first response is to crash. I become a complete shell of a person, and am prone to lying on tables.

Stage Two: Rage

“WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK!!!! FUCK!”
After being a soul-less shell, I quickly move to the next stage of sadness: rage. Even a simple task such as finding my chapstick, or tying a shoe (As to why I’m freaking out over a box full of paper, I don’t know), becomes a huge ordeal, driving me to the brink of insanity before…

Stage Three: Nervous Breakdown

“OH…MY…GOD….”
The nervous breakdown stage can be identified easily by spotting the Olivia rocking gently in a dark corner, accompanied with slightly random yelling.

Stage Four: Excessive Drinking

“WOO! I LOVE EVERYONE!”
After the first three very pathetic and melancholy-ish stages, the drunken stage of my sadness is welcomed by my peers. During this stage, I become excessively clingy. Normally this would annoy friends and family, but it’s a happy time for everyone after the first three really terrible stages.

Stage Five: Becoming Hysterical

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE CHIP!?”
After I sober up a bit, I realize again how miserable I am, and become hysterical, a stage that includes crazy paper ripping as shown above.

Stage Six: Becoming a Poet

“Violets are blue….you suck…”
Realizing my terrible habits, and the true Absurdist way of life, I slip into a poetry phase.

Stage Seven: Becoming an Art Lover

“This painting symbolizes so much of what I’m feeling right now…”
Still in a very creative phase, I next become an art critic.

Stage Eight: Vietnam Flashbacks

“What happened?”
“VIET-GOD DAMN-NAM’S WHAT HAPPENED!” **
Despite not actually being in the war, or any war for that matter, I go through a series of flashbacks taking me back to the Vietnam War. I’d watch out for me in this stage.

Stage Nine: Promiscuous Sex to up my Self-Esteem

“Wow! I’m a winner!”
After the flashbacks fade away, I begin feeling down again. At this point, I begin to have promiscuous sex to make me feel better about myself. And wow! It works!

**Line taken from a hysterical episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I’m having severe writer’s block, plus I had class last night so I didn’t have time to put much thought into a good post, so I’m just going to write a few things that have been annoying me lately.

1) First there is this:

A slight typo when typing in your username, and you have to deal with an ever-growing list of options everytime you log-in. Seriously, who has the username “m”??? There has to be a way to get rid of the other options, but I haven’t figured it out yet. Porn Boxes really should be made with more features. I mean, in this day and age, why is it that these elaborate machines are only made for porn? Imagine the things we could do! The things we could compute! We could even call them computers!

2) Guys with long fingernails. I’ve said it before, but I’ve recently come across another guy with disgustingly long fingernails. They’re tappered, and shaped like women’s fingernails. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people going against the norm of society’s gender roles. Wait, what? Anyway, long fingernails on guys are disgusting. Clip them.

3) The fact that I haven’t done a post with Natalie Portman, my wife, in FOREVER. Seriously! What is wrong with me? She’s seriously in the garage. I hope she survived the winter. Imagine if I take her out of the garage and she’s been eaten by mice? That would be tragic. But then again, imagine the wacky cast of characters we could have at a Puntabulous Funeral. That could be fun! I mean tragic.

4) The fact that I didn’t think of THIS first. It’s brilliant!

5) THIS annoys me too.

6) The fact that I read THIS book, which was beautifully written and had loads of interesting tidbits about the planets, and I can’t remember a damn thing. It goes in one ear, I think it’s amazingly fascinating, and then I forget it two seconds later. How am I supposed to act like a genius at dinner parties when I can’t remember these things? The only thing I remember from the book is that William Herschel discovered the planet Uranus. He lived to be 84 years old, which is exactly how long it takes for Uranus to revolve around the Sun. Fascinating right?! But I can’t even use that tidbit because it’s not nice to talk about Uranus at dinner parties.

So Scott-O-Rama randomly picked Puntabulous (the only way we could get picked!) to feature on his blog today. If you don’t already read his blog, you definitely need to start. I’m totally jealous of his layout design and ever-changing tagline thingy. Oh, and the content is spectacular also.

Anyway, check out the feature HERE!

And for those of you making there way over here from Scott-O-Rama, be sure to check out the following categories:

Puntabulous-Counter-Puntabulous
The Puntabulous Adventures of Super Viagra
Puntabulous Photo Albums

Enjoy!

It’s inevitable, you are bound to run into someone whom you know strictly through the internet at some point in your life. This sort of situation can go down in a few ways: awkwardly, phenomenally, or not at all. Here is a guide based on my real life experiences, which are few and uneventful:

Situation One: You and said internet person did not plan to meet, but just ran into each other.

Awkward: You had a weird, internet love experience. Upon seeing this person, you call their name out in a friendly manner. You both then realize how weird the situation is and make small talk. Previous visions of magical, real-life love affair is completely lost.

How to fix it: Next time, think before you yell names.

Situation Two: You have spoken to this person, but not outside of the internet world. You have learned that you two are very much alike and are buddies.

Great! - This is not awkward, because you both think you’re great! And not in that fake “my-mom-thinks-I’m-great” kind of way either. Actual greatness.

How to mess up the situation: Asking for money, revealing a personal detail (“Hey! The price of this coffee is the same as my social security number!”), or making a really terrible joke.

Situation Three: This person has been stalking you, and leaves you odd messages.

Not at All! - Do not make eye contact and RUN! Don’t actually run though, as this may draw attention to you. If with a friend (the fatter the better), hide behind said friend, and casually walk away.

If person spots you, be sure that you have a universal “Jesus, save me” signal with everyone you know. Mine is intense twitching, because this also turns your stalker off, and they will think you are crazy and no longer wish to speak to you. Your friend, if they are smart, will dial your cell phone, and you will be able to make an excuse to leave.

Clearly my groundbreaking journey through the original Star Trek movies has been riveting audiences across the nation (read: even Star Trek fans don’t really care that much), but like all good things, it has come to an end with my viewing of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country this past weekend. It was another good entry into the Star Trek series, and a fitting conclusion to the series.

Now that I’ve completed all six films, I can give my final rundown. Here they are from favorite, to least favorite:

1) Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
2) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
3) Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
4) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
5) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
6) Star Trek I: The Motion Picture

General Notes:

Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy is my favorite character of the crew. I feel like if the crew came across a one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater, everyone else would be like “Hey! There’s a one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater.” And he’d be the only one to be like “What the fuck is that shit?”

Commander Uhura is a completely under-used character. As everyone knows, no space-faring crew is complete without a sassy black character (also see: Lieutenant Laredo of Galaxy Quest). Scenes with Uhura always seem genuine and never fall flat. Not to mention her fan dance in The Final Frontier is one of the best scenes in the series. Oh yes, I said it.

Why in the world is Klingon blood pink? It makes them so much less threatening. Casting Christopher Lloyd as one of them doesn’t help matters either.

Out of the female Vulcan sidekick competition, Kirstie Alley totally kicks Kim Catrall’s and Robin Curtis’ (who?) asses. FYI - Robin Curtis’ most recent role was as “Woman on Street” in the 1999 movie The Sex Monster. I just thought you should know that.

Watch Star Trek V: The Final Frontier again. Please. I beg of you. It isn’t as bad as you remember.

The Future (Or as some call it, The Undiscovered Country):

I treated myself to the Alias Rambaldi Boxed Set. So now that I’ve finished boring you with my progress with Star Trek, I can bore you with my progress with Alias. I’ve already seen Season 4 (which I loved), and I’ve always heard that Seasons 1 and 2 were a million times better so I got the complete series, and started watching this weekend. I finished the first disk of the first season. Where has this been all my life? It’s amazing.

1) I’m taking a half day at work today because Robin and Jenn are coming to town, and we’ll be getting together with Aaron for some good times. You remember Robin, Jenn, and Aaron right? I’m so excited!

2) So I was on the subway yesterday morning on my way to work, standing in front of a gentleman who kept teetering on the edge of sleep. He had a small black plastic bag in his hand. When he finally passed out, he lost his grip on the plastic bag and the contents spilt out and fell to my feet. And by “contents” I mean the porno DVD he must have just purchased. I wish I got a look at the title, but I was too distracted by the enormous breasts.

3) Now that I’m almost done with the original crew “Star Trek” movies, I think I’m going to move on to the James Bond movies, since I’ve only ever seen two of the Pierce Brosnan ones, and the Daniel Craig one. So please recommend which ones I should purchase in the comments section. I don’t want to buy the boxed sets that came out if some of the movies suck. I already bought “Goldfinger” because that one’s supposed to be the best, but I haven’t watched it yet. Which other ones should I get?

4) “Lost” has been pretty good these past two weeks. Who would have thought the best episodes of the season would be Claire and Sayid flashbacks? Not me.

5) Jamie Bamber (AKA: Apollo from “Battlestar Galactica”) is going to be at the I-CON Science Fiction Festival, like 20 minutes from my house. Should I be completely ridiculous and go?

6) Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!