Mar
21
“Wow, that really makes me feel sad.” This is a line uttered by many a sad person, and after this is said, or thought, said sad person deals with their said sadness in their own sad way. So now I present you with, the way I deal with my sad feelings.
Stage One: Crashing
“I hate me. I have no soul.”
Directly after being insulted, etc, my first response is to crash. I become a complete shell of a person, and am prone to lying on tables.
Stage Two: Rage
“WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK!!!! FUCK!”
After being a soul-less shell, I quickly move to the next stage of sadness: rage. Even a simple task such as finding my chapstick, or tying a shoe (As to why I’m freaking out over a box full of paper, I don’t know), becomes a huge ordeal, driving me to the brink of insanity before…
Stage Three: Nervous Breakdown
“OH…MY…GOD….”
The nervous breakdown stage can be identified easily by spotting the Olivia rocking gently in a dark corner, accompanied with slightly random yelling.
Stage Four: Excessive Drinking
“WOO! I LOVE EVERYONE!”
After the first three very pathetic and melancholy-ish stages, the drunken stage of my sadness is welcomed by my peers. During this stage, I become excessively clingy. Normally this would annoy friends and family, but it’s a happy time for everyone after the first three really terrible stages.
Stage Five: Becoming Hysterical
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE CHIP!?”
After I sober up a bit, I realize again how miserable I am, and become hysterical, a stage that includes crazy paper ripping as shown above.
Stage Six: Becoming a Poet
“Violets are blue….you suck…”
Realizing my terrible habits, and the true Absurdist way of life, I slip into a poetry phase.
Stage Seven: Becoming an Art Lover
“This painting symbolizes so much of what I’m feeling right now…”
Still in a very creative phase, I next become an art critic.
Stage Eight: Vietnam Flashbacks
“What happened?”
“VIET-GOD DAMN-NAM’S WHAT HAPPENED!” **
Despite not actually being in the war, or any war for that matter, I go through a series of flashbacks taking me back to the Vietnam War. I’d watch out for me in this stage.
Stage Nine: Promiscuous Sex to up my Self-Esteem
“Wow! I’m a winner!”
After the flashbacks fade away, I begin feeling down again. At this point, I begin to have promiscuous sex to make me feel better about myself. And wow! It works!
**Line taken from a hysterical episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
March 21st, 2007 at 8:38 pm
P-Dend doesn’t look quite as enthusiastic lol.
March 21st, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Haha…I love how much effort was put into taking pictures for this post.
March 21st, 2007 at 10:31 pm
maybe dendy is still on the drunk phase…
but holy crap i love the vietnam thing
March 21st, 2007 at 10:52 pm
Poor Parker doesn’t look to enthused after the promiscuous sex. Probably because he’s thinking about how hurt I (being his future wife) could be after reading this. But it’s all good, If I didn’t let you borrow him in your hour of need, what kind of friend would I be?
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:14 am
1)If you wouldn’t store your Chapstick in a big box full of crumbled papers you’d have an easier time finding it.
2)Drinking anything from a can labeled “Booze” probably isn’t the best way to go, but I’m just sayin…
3)I see your poetry resembles mine.
4)Love the helmet from the Vietnam photo!
5)I think you need to tone down your sex a bit, looks like you’ve scared the poor kid.
And BTW, when I get sad, I just skip stages 1-8 and get right down to the sex. Just a helpful hint.
HUGS….
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:42 am
Great post, Olivia!! Personally, I like to skip straight to the promiscuous sex stage because it tends to benefit more people. In fact, I often mix stage 4 with stage 9 to help dull the pain of my sins!
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Holy crap, Olivia. That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen you do here.
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I felt a little used.
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:57 pm
we all do parker…we all do
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:21 pm
And you have any right to be so hysterically funny at your age . . . because why?
The Vietnam thing is especially brilliant.
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:47 am
Olivia…this is by far the funniest post you have ever written. I kind of want to be your best friend now, if only so you could entertain me.
March 23rd, 2007 at 2:07 pm
GREAT BLOG
KISSES
HAIRYBEARS
March 23rd, 2007 at 4:16 pm
As to why Parker looks the way he does - it’s because his mind was blown over how hot I am.
I have the right, Phyllida, because I sold my soul.
Cory we can be best friends, but you have to agree to assist me with taking any sort of pictures at any time without complaint.
Polt, great minds think alike, of course our poetry is the same.
March 24th, 2007 at 1:54 am
[…] And finally — I love saying that because I usually save my favorite post of the week for this section — anyway, finally, the stages of acceptance have never been funny. Until now! Olivia over at Puntabulous had one of the pieces that makes people in the funny business go, “CRAP! I wish I had thought of that!”. Congratulations, Olivia. You get the oh-so-coveted final mention in the The Web Pen Ranting Roundup! […]
March 25th, 2007 at 1:54 am
Oh I am so there. Just as long as you keep the funny coming!
March 27th, 2007 at 11:09 am
LMAO!!! SOOOOO FUNNY.. THIS POST IS DEF. ON MY FAVORITES. I WAS BEGINNING TO LOSE INTEREST ON PUNTABULOUS BUT I THINK U JUST WON ME BACK. … LOVED IT!!