I love most people, I really do. That’s actually a lie, I’d say I like seventy-five percent of people, which is most. I love babies and kittens. I’m telling you this to really make you understand how angry I get when I’m driving.

The Top Ten Things I HATE That People Do When Driving:

1. If you are in a giant, I mean GIANT, SUV, Truck, or even a Jeep, not a flippy over Jeep, but like, a Cherokee, and you SLOW DOWN to almost a STOP to go over a bump in the road, I hate you. I have a Jeep, and I use that Jeep. My Cherokee is smaller than your Yukon, and you need to blast over those bumps like a man. It’s giant for a reason.

2. If you throw things out of your window, I hate you. A bird is going to eat that, and die. You are a killing machine.

3. There are blinkers for a reason, they are to BLINK! You use them to show me which way you are going! And they also tell me why you are slowing down!! If you just start slowing down, I’m really tempted to just smash into you! To teach you a lesson on blinkage.

4. People that fly through parking lots. They are a safe haven, and you are ruining them. I have to be all ninja-like when I’m parking! I think it’s safe to pull out, and WHOOSH! There’s some whore flying behind me!

5. Also on the subject of parking lots, if you sit there waiting for a space that someone is getting ready to back out of, for like, literally, five minutes, then you’re dead to me. Unless it is a crazy situation, where there are NO spaces at the end, then there is no reason for that mess.

6. Don’t yell at me when I’m driving in the same area as you and not going as fast as you’d like. I’m going the speed limit, maybe safely over, and you are a redneck and I hate you.

7. If I am driving you someplace, and you take your seatbelt off after I’ve made you put it on, I am going to stop the car and kick your ass. If I get pulled over, I am going to get fined like there is no tomorrow for you being stupid, and that is no good.

8. Also if I am the driver and you are the passenger, don’t mess with whatever is on the radio. I have delicate playlists for my driving and listening pleasure, and if you mess with that, I might crash and kill all of us. And do not question the playlist names, i.e. Nice Music, Happy Music, and The Absolute Most Fantastic Songs. They make sense to me, and I am in charge.

9. Don’t play your country music so loud that it drowns out my perfect playlistness. I will beat you in an “I hate your music, watch mine go louder” contest.

10. Don’t look at me at stops. It makes me uncomfortable, and I wasn’t looking at you. You had better watch the road, or else you will miss something, and probably die.

For more Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl: CLICK HERE!

Here’s a list of things I will never do:

1. Sing karaoke. I don’t care how much I drink. I don’t care how much you pressure me. I don’t care if you think I’m a party pooper. I will sit there on the sidelines with Meg and smile and cheer for you when you’re up there, but I will not sing karaoke.

2. Shower at a gym in one of those communal showers. I realize that this is kinda like a trick statement, because I’d never go to a gym either. But still, those showers are gross.

3. Be in an archery contest where the bad guy get’s a bullseye, and I shoot after him and get a bullseye that splits his arrow down the middle. This one actually makes me kinda sad, but it probably won’t ever happen.

4. Pass up an opportunity to use jazz hands.

5. I will never grow my hair out long Tom Welling style. I’ve been wanting to grow out my hair for like ever. Wouldn’t I look cute?

Okay so maybe the picture above is a testament to my terrible photoshop skills, rather than the cuteness of me with long hair, but my point is still valid. My hair is extremely straight, and I’ve been wearing it spikey forever, so if I try and grow it out, it stays straight and spikey and looks like this:

See? Not so cute. I’ve tried to get past the awkward long spikey phase, but when it starts to look like the above picture, I chicken out and get it cut. Alas, I will never have shaggy hair. I guess I’ll leave the cute hair experimenting to Ryan.

Here are some things that I’ve been wondering about lately:

1. If I were to pull a perfect con, then tell everyone because I wanted them to know I was just that cool, would I get in trouble for it? Same with robbing a bank, etc. Or killing a person, because I think I could plan that out really well. But I don’t really want to kill anyone, just my Aunt’s dog, but only because I hate it and it’s stupid name is “Lambchop.”

2. When I go bowling with some man candy, how come it’s always that one pin on the corner that won’t fall down? Someone give me bowling tips.

3. I bought some new shoes today, and this other guy buying shoes was so against them. He made a giant point that they were unoriginal, and I am pretty sure I’m not really worried about the orignality of my shoes. So I told him this, I was all “I don’t really care if everyone has them, they are comfortable and my other ones got torn up.” And the guy working there was all “Ya, Duuude. I have, like…three pairs.” But this dildo kept going on about it, and he kept looking stupid every time! It was great! It was like the guy working there and I were on a team, and it was team make the other guy look dumb!

4. That last one wasn’t really wondering, it was more a telling of a pretty boring story.

5. Why is Antonio Banderas so hot, and why can we never be together?

6. They’re selling our Quiznos store, and trying to keep the employees, therefore selling me, too. So if I get hurt, am I damaged goods?

7. What is it about my ringtone that makes it so great? (The song “Me So Horny”)

Last. Why does anyone care if the cup is half full or half empty?! I don’t!! There is liquid in the cup! Get a free refill if you have to, or don’t, no one cares.

You know, Thankgiving shouldn’t be the only time of year for giving thanks. Here’s a list of things I’m currently grateful for:

1) You know when you have a dream where you really have to pee? And you’re searching and searching for a place to pee, but can never find one? And when you wake up, you really do have to pee? Well I’m grateful that I never find a place to pee in my dream. Because that would probably be unfortunate.

2) I’m grateful my mom isn’t one of those people that claps at the end of movies. I realize that may seem like a really random thing to be grateful for, but she claps during Dancing with the Stars, which is where I draw the line.

3) I’m grateful that The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll is over so Veronica Mars can come back and have it’s place in the schedule back.

4) I’m grateful that Heroes is back so I have a legitimate excuse to finally give up on this crappy season of 24. Don’t worry, I’ll see you next year Jack. Remember when Kumar was on? That was today!

5) I’m grateful Renee from America’s Next Top Model has made nice with the other girls on the show. Even though she was a bitch, she’s my favorite. Okay fine, she may very well turn into a bitch again at any moment, but she’s so pretty!

6) Then there is this comment that I got on Monday’s Gawker mention:

To think, that I could single-handedly destroy the internet! Not to mention the effect I have on average citizens! I can literally make people shove electronics up their asses and erase their hard drives. That’s a power that hasn’t been mentioned on Heroes yet. Sylar, would be all like “Hey, I want your power, let me cut open your brain!” and I’d be like “Oh no! Don’t kill me and take my making people shove electronics up their ass and erase their hard drive power!” and he’d be like “That’s what you can do? Gross!” and he’d leave me alone. Hey! Maybe that’s what Nathan and Peter Petrelli’s mom can do! Anyway, I’m grateful that I use my powers for good and not for evil. I could probably wipe out small countries with my hideous lameness without even blinking. (I’m looking at you Gibraltar!*)

*Yes, I know Gibraltar is technically a British territory, stop being a dork.

Few really know what goes on behind the scenes of a bonified Quiznos Sub Shop. You find that the workers aren’t your usual lazy fast-food workers, we’re much cooler and have better hair.

Welcome to Quiznos! Sorry that I beat you to the best parking spot! You snooze, you lose, customers! And check out how even it is on each side! That takes skill! After a nine hour shift, I can’t be troubled to walk more than three feet to my ride, so suck it.

I work with some great people. Here we see Lauren and Aaron, dancing merrily in the back parking lot while I sat atop a stack of bottled-drink holder things and captured the moment.

We play hard, THEN work hard. With all of the being so hard, it tires a girl out. But notice I’m multi-tasking, see, I fell asleep in the sun, therefore sleeping + tanning.

The uniform doesn’t really flatter my figure, so it’s only reasonable that I don’t wear it. Customers should not have to wonder whether or not I have boobs.

Every now and then, something will go wrong and I will drop a sandwich. Oh, wait. Did I say I’d drop one every now and then? How about this was my second one in the eight months I’ve worked there. THAT calls for them to wallpaper the whole place with my picture.

Sometimes you can’t help but feel the need to retreat to the top of the giant cooler. It’s a peaceful place, interrupted only by the itchy little bits of fiberglass insulation falling from the ceiling.

Doing dishes is a top priority, right after chatting with handsome guys on the phone.

Boring moments can be more easily passed with the stash of VHS tapes in the back of my car. Here I am watching Wallace and Gromit in I believe the ninth and final hour of my Saturday shift.

But you have to know, I DO actually work. I slaved over these sauce bottles for like…an hour on Sunday. See, I HATE dirty nipples, as does everyone I’m sure, and I felt it was my duty to scrub all these nipples until they were squeeky clean. Notice the cleanliness of those numerous nipples. (Insert another subtle nipple joke).

And I’ll leave you with a cup that apparently came from the truth store. Ravishing.

Alright folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! I hope you didn’t build it up too much in your head. If so, then you’re in for a mighty disappointment. Also, there’s some animated GIFs (I know!) so it could take a minute to load if your internet is slow. Here goes:

Click “READ MORE” for the full story: ,

The return literally dozens of people have been waiting for!

Puntabulous reunites with Natalie Portman, his wife: Monday April 23, 2007

In the meantime:
A MORNING IN THE LIFE OF PUNTABULOUS
A NIGHT IN THE LIFE OF PUNTABULOUS
PUNTABULOUS AND HIS WIFE MAKE A MUSIC VIDEO (KINDA)
PUNTABULOUS PLAYS WITH HIS WIFE
PUNTABULOUS MOVES BACK HOME
PUNTABULOUS CELEBRATES HIS WIFE’S BIRTHDAY
PUNTABULOUS HAS MARITAL PROBLEMS
PUNTABULOUS CELEBRATES HIS NON-VICTORY

Have you ever been lying in bed at night, unable to sleep, wondering, “Oh my God…How does Olivia handle her feelings of happyness…?!” Well I have decided to put a stop to those questions for you! I deal with my happyness in extreme ways, and I’d like to share them with you.

*Warning! If you are SO behind everyone else in reading the last Harry Potter book, skip past stage eight! Because you’d hate me forever and I don’t want to do that to you.

Stage One: Letting the World Know

“Hi! Is this Latisha Forte? Great! You don’t know me, but I’m so HAPPY!”
As soon as something happens that makes me all bubbly inside, I’m sure to call as many people in the phonebook as possible, letting them know about how great I feel. The people I call don’t usually respond well to this, and are more often than not confused, but it’s fine with me.

Stage Two: Coping with feelings of Vulnerablility

“Ka-bow!”
After telling so many people about my happyness, I begin to feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable because now everyone knows about this, and what if something goes wrong?! To cope with these feelings, I beat up nerds, like Parker!

Stage Three: Giving back to the Community

“Community service!!! Wooo!”
This is of course done by flashing large crowds of people, and apparently those people are very uninterested, as seen above. But it’s okay, because I’m in such a great mood, I don’t care!

Stage Four: Over-Excited Hugging

“I LOVE YOU GUYS!”
Eager to spread the happy vibe, I jump at the chance to hug anyone. Parker is often in the line of fire, and has learned to always expect a sneak attack. See, PERFECT hug, because he was READY! Most of the time the hugging is welcomed, but other times…well, let’s not talk about those.

Stage Five: Excessive Drinking

“LET’S JUST PARTY!”
As with other emotions, drinking is a must. After the sneak-hugging begins to get everyone pissed, I move on to the drunkedness stage of my happyness, this is just before…

Stage Six: Cage Fighting

“Ohhh Goddd…This was a really…bad…idea.”
Still in a drunken stupor, I decide it’s a good idea to try cage fighting. Of course, weighing just over 100 pounds, it really isn’t a good idea, and I go down in the first round, sporting a hot black eye.

Stage Seven: Promiscuous Sex

“Was that as good for you guys as it was for me?”
As with drinking, promiscuous sex is a must, however when happy, this stage involves mulitple partners. On a tiny couch, with a few shirts on. Sexy as HELL!

Stage Eight: Put Down Others

“And then Dumbledore DIES!!!!”
Feeling better than ever, I decide to take it up a notch by making others miserable. This involves telling them the end of Harry Potter books, episodes of Lost, and endings of movies. Notice the horrified faces.

Stage Nine: Bad Person

“It says HERE Sirius should have been way hotter…”
After making those around me miserable, and being alone, I decide to watch Harry Potter movies while reading the books just to be a bitch. Pointing out every wrong detail, I then right everything down, and send it to the director of the movie.

Stage Ten: More Hugging

“I’m still so happy! Spread the Love!!”
After the two mean stages are past, I’m still feeling full of glee and giggles, and I decide to go back to hugging. I also wear a hat in the second hugging stage and look really little.

For Puntabulous’s Stages of Sadness: CLICK HERE!

Okay, okay, deep breaths. Three, two, one. One, two, three. What the heck, is bothering me? So you know how much I love my Optimus Prime collectible figure, right? Although I took it out of the box to play with, so I don’t know if it counts as a “collectible” anymore, but that’s besides the point.

Well needless to say I was super excited when I heard they were coming out with a Megatron figure of the same calibur. But my hopes were crushed when I saw the following pictures:

That’s right! They put a fucking orange cap on the end! Come on! And if you haven’t already guessed it, America is the only country that is requiring these orange caps on the end!

All over the world dorks get to enjoy their Megatron without the experience being spoiled by an orange cap GLUED on to the end. It’s also illegal for foreign companies to ship their wonderfully amazing, orange-capless figures into the United States because of the Toy Gun Lame Orange Cap Asshole Law.

I guess I understand the reason behind requiring all toy guns (even collectibles!!!) to have orange caps on them though. It would be a shame if a child found my Megatron collectible in gun mode, thought it was a real gun, and then wasn’t able to shoot themselves with it. Or if a robber used my Megatron collectible gun to mug people with, and wasn’t able to shoot them. We wouldn’t want people to feel stupid for being held up by a toy gun, would we? Or what if someone is wielding my Megatron collectible in gun mode and the police think it’s real and use deadly force to take him down. Okay, I guess that last one’s legitimately bad, but that’s besides the point. I want my Megatron to be orange-cap free!

But why stop at toy guns? Let’s see what else we can add orange caps to and make them safer, shall we?

The Washington Memorial:

We wouldn’t want a Giant tripping and impaling themselves on it, would we?

Sharks:

This shark is absolutely no danger to you.

Puppies:

One of these puppies is fine, the other will get you killed. Be sure you know which is which before you end up dead.