Puntabulous

Well folks! Easter is almost upon us! It’s that time of year when we commemorate the death and resurrection of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. “How does the Bible say we should honor him?” you ask. With bunnies of course!

But just like God, the Easter Bunny is quick to anger, and we must fear him, so that he will not punish us with plagues, locusts, evil horsemen, or black jelly beans.

Here is a list of things you should not do that piss the Easter Bunny off:

1) It pisses the Easter Bunny off when he is not taken seriously as an actor. Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, and Halle Berry all won Oscars when they made themselves “ugly” for their roles. What did the Easter Bunny get? An Oscar? A Golden Globe, at least?!

No fucking way! All he got was a bit part in a crappy movie about teen angst.

2) NO, HE DOES NOT LAY THE EGGS, SO STOP ASKING!!!!

3) Also, his name is not Peter Cottontail, and he wants no fucking part of your bunny trail. He’ll hippity hop all over your ass, and then slap a bitch.

4) Do not try and trick him with carrots. He is smarter than you.

5) He hates that he is considered a commercial invention to promote Easter sales. If you need examples of his Biblical roots, look no further!

Moses parts the Red Sea… or did he?

The Bunnies of Sodom and Gomorrah:

At the crucifixion:

If you fail to observe any of the above rules, you are taking your life into your own hands. Don’t come crying to me when you have crappy candy in your Easter baskets.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!