PUNTABULOUS COUNTER PUNTABULOUS

It’s that time again! Olivia and Craig go head-to-head over one of society’s most important issues:

WHICH MEAL OF THE DAY IS THE BEST?

Olivia: Let me lay the scene out for you: you’ve just awoken from a night of bountiful dreams of glory, and those have worn you out. You look to your side, awesome, a beautiful stranger is there. What do you need to get your day started after such a tiring night? Breakfast…the meal of winners. Breakfast is amazing on around twenty seven different levels, and you’re about to experience a good lot of them.

Craig: You know what breakfast says to me? “Hey! You’ve just woken up! You’re still half asleep and totally groggy! Let’s stuff your face until you want to vomit!” Who in the world wants to eat right after they wake up? Not to mention who in the world has time to eat breakfast in the morning? Dinner is by far the best meal of the day. Glorious meat-filled dinner!

Olivia: Sure, I see your point there. But it’s a terrible point, so I choose to look over it. Dinner is a meal you can have only once a day, it sucks. It’s the meal of losers. But breakfast is bountiful and also very versatile. Breakfast for dinner, delicious!!! IHOP and Waffle House have taken this to the max, wonderful, mystical, breakfast-based dining experiences! Dinner, well…you can get dinner anywhere. It’s not special.

Craig: Not special?! Christmas DINNER! Thanksgiving DINNER! Romantic DINNER for Valentines Day! (So I’ve heard!) I don’t hear of many people celebrating the holidays with a fantastic breakfast. “Hey, what are you guys doing for Memorial Day?” “Oh we’re going to take the boat out, shoot some fireworks, and then have some scrambled eggs.” Um no, that doesn’t happen. Because breakfast isn’t special enough for celebrations.

Olivia: Well I am sorry that your parents did not love you enough to make a nice breakfast on Christmas, the day of Jesus, where Jesus’s first meal was breakfast, where he, as a baby, because he is Jesus and can, said “Wow, breakfast kicks dinner’s ass, so, so much.”

Craig: Don’t try and spin the Bible’s words around to work in your favor! That is an abomination! Baby Jesus’ first meal was not breakfast, it was so completely and utterly dinner. The three Kings brought him frankincense and myrrh, which I’m pretty sure is aramaic for burgers and ribs. Those barn animals at the Nativity didn’t stand a chance!

Olivia: Fine, let’s suppose that you’re right about THAT. But hey, what was the meal that got those three Kings ready for their day of baby Jesus gift giving? Some hearty cornflakes at breakfast! Maybe some eggs, toast, I don’t know, the possibilities are endless. The fact of the matter is, without breakfast, no one can properly start their day, including Jesus.

Craig: You know when it’s really hot out? And they say you can fry an egg on the sidewalk? Well an egg would mean it’s breakfast right? And you know what place is REALLY hot? And where they must be frying loads of eggs on sidewalks? Hell. That’s right! Hell. Eggs, and therefore breakfast, is the food of Satan.

Olivia: Yeah, sure, and WHEN has that actually ever happened? And WHY would there be sidewalks in Hell? It’s Hell, Craig!!! You don’t walk a dog on a sidewalk in Hell!!! And how about in 300 (great movie, by the way) when Mr. Buff goes “Tonight…we dine…in HELL!!” What was that key word?? Ohhh HELL! Wait, I mean TONIGHT! Night is when you have dinner, dinner is Hell.

Craig: Don’t try and distract me with talk of 300 and computer generated abdominals! Of course they have sidewalks in Hell! Where else would Satan walk his three-headed dog, and not pick up after it? You know what else is amazing about dinner? It’s followed by dessert! Dessert is God’s way of saying, “Hey Handsome! Wasn’t that yummy?! Let me reward you with even more yumminess! Have some ice cream! Oh, and breakfast sucks!” That’s right. He says all that.

Olivia: I’d like some sort of documentation of God saying all of that, because the last thing God said to me about dessert was “Dessert makes my thighs blow UP! I cannot eat any of that Hot Fudge Cake, pass me some delcious pancakes though!” And really, I was like “Jesus, God! Pancakes make you fat too!” But then God was all “Ya, but breakfast is way better, so it’s totally worth it. Oh, and Dinner sucks!” So really, what you just said doesn’t check out at all…

Craig: Your face doesn’t check out! I’m sick and tired of your lies! The only good thing about breakfast is the maple syrup needed to cover up the taste of all the disgustingness. Dinner requires no such magic cover-up liquid! And let’s think about maple syrup for a second: Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth. Hmmm, why are you supporting a meal that upholds the sexist idea that women are supposed to be serving us? Why, Olivia? Why do you hate women?

Olivia: NO sir!!! I am sick and tired of YOUR LIES! Dinner requires no cover-up delicious liquid? How about gravy?!! Gravy has to help all kinds of dinner-disasters! And about me hating women, I LOVE women!! I AM a woman I love them so much! You, however, are not, therefore, are a sexist pig. Get a vagina, then accuse me of hating women.

Craig: I would get a vagina, but since they are God’s most disgusting creation, I will opt not to. And now that I think of it, you know what gets made in vaginas? Eggs. Yeah, kinda like the ones you eat for BREAKFAST!!!! Aw yeah! It all comes full circle! Hold on, I’ll let that blow your mind for a second.

Olivia: And you call ME the woman hater?! Fine, whatever. Let’s check out the facts: One cannot begin one’s day without a hearty breakfast in one’s belly. Breakfast is the meal Jesus craves, and if you hate breakfast, you are hating the Baby Jesus. Dinner is the meal of vagina haters, therefore a sexist meal, and probably unconstitutional in some way, if not every way.

Craig: There you go again! Taking a historical document and twisting it around for your own evil purposes! First the Bible! Then the Constitution! Soon you’ll be saying that The Cat in the Hat supports your breakfast dogma! Is no writing safe? Dinner is amazing because 1) It requires no magic cover-up juice, 2) Is followed by dessert, and 3) Doesn’t involve anything that comes out of a vagina. Dinner rules!

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