Puntabulous

PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHERO

Have you ever yearned to live a life of meaning? Are you tired of spending your nights alone in front of the television watching reruns of The Golden Girls? Have you ever thought to yourself: “What am I doing wrong? Why do I fail to contribute anything of value to society?”

If so, you may want to consider entering the life of a superhero. Here at Puntabulous, we wish to help you on your journey to becoming a superhero. By following these twelve simple steps, we guarantee that you will be well on your way to finally making a legitimate contribution to society:

1. Troubled Past:

Superheroes aren’t made overnight. It takes years of living a shitty life of unimportance before deciding to take matters into your own hands and becoming a superhero.

2. Tragic Incident:

Now we don’t recommend killing your parents yourself, but it might be beneficial to wish slight harm upon them in order to get the tragic incident you need to jump start your superhero career. I mean come on, how many superheroes have parents? Sorry Mom and Dad, your services are no longer required.

3. Wise Mentor:

After your tragic incident, you will need an older, wiser mentor to take you under their wing, because let’s face it, you’re not smart enough to be making life-changing decisions on your own. After all, it took you, like, five minutes to decide whether it was worth the effort to change your socks after you put them on and saw there were holes in the toes.

4. Special Powers/Abilities:

Superheroes are nothing but fruitcakes running around in gay outfits without their special powers and abilities. What can you do? What makes you so special? If you are unlucky enough to not have toxic waste poured all over you allowing you to develop super powers, you may want to consider using fancy gadgets instead.

5. Training Montage:

No transition to becoming a superhero is complete without a rockin’ training montage. It doesn’t matter what you’re actually doing while you train as long as there is awesome music playing in the background and you look cool doing it.

6. Cool Costume:

I hope you have a friend who’s good with a needle and thread because you may end up looking like the above picture if you don’t. But don’t worry, by the last portion of your training montage (as mentioned above) you will have miraculously developed a super amazing, super form-fitting, super suit.

7. Posing:

Madonna said it best when she said: “Music mix the bourgeoisie and the rebel”. But that’s besides the point. She also said: “Strike a pose, vogue, vogue, vogue”. Cameras will be following you wherever you go, be sure to practice your slick character-defining poses in the mirror.

8. Dorky Alter-Ego:

But you can’t possibly run around in tight outfits posing all the time, can you? You need time to relax! Chill out! What better way to relax than to live your life as a complete and utter dork! The last thing you want to do after a long night of crime-fighting is play a game of raquetball with one of your coworkers. So be sure to give off a completely unathletic vibe, so people won’t ask you to do any more heavy activity than you’re already doing.

9. Smooth Ride:

Keep in mind that your ride must be tailored towards your superhero persona. You’d never see Batman riding around on a giant seahorse would you? Not to mention Batman is on land doing actual crime-fighting rather than weirdo fish-non-crime-fighting like some other superheroes we know.

10. Love Interest/Damsel in Distress:

Who says superheroes can’t have a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side? Yeah, there’s that whole issue of getting attached to other people, which bad guys can use against you. But say an evil psychopath kidnaps your significant other, you’re obviously going to be able to rescue them, you ARE a superhero after all! You thought make-up sex was great? Try you just saved me from an evil psychopath sex. AMAZING!

11. Arch-Nemesis:

A superhero is only as strong as their arch-nemesis. Be sure your arch-nemesis is a big-thinker. The more elebaborate their plans for world domination, the more likely they are to fail with minimal effort on your part. Chatty is also a plus. (I bet you didn’t think I’d be able to fit in a picture from Catwoman, did you?)

12. Saving the Day:

Okay fine. I guess when you’re done running around, posing in tight outfits, exchanging witty banter with your older, wiser mentor and your evil arch-nemesis, mourning the loss of your long dead parents, and macking it with your hot, sassy love intertest, you may want to consider saving the day. Just don’t make a habit of it. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

GUIDES, MOVIES | Craig | May 4, 2007 6:37 am

9 Comments

By Adam, May 4, 2007 @ 11:07 am

Craig,

Really very funny!!! Thanks for brightening up my morning.
By Alex, May 4, 2007 @ 8:30 pm

Now all you have to figure out is some Cool or Lame Superhero Name.
By Olivia, May 5, 2007 @ 12:16 am

I’m actually NOT tired of watching reruns of The Golden Girls. They are hilarious.

I’m going to follow your twelve step plan, and let you know how it goes. I’m most excited for my training montage.

Hilarious, Craig.
By TheWebPen, May 5, 2007 @ 2:56 am

BTW, I wanted to add that Catwoman is one of the best comedies ever made.
By UTP, May 5, 2007 @ 12:37 pm

I am jealous? How do you come with these things?? You have a talent dude…hopefully you are minting it some place…

HILARIOUS!!!
By Linc Moser, May 5, 2007 @ 10:52 pm

I have the dorky alter ego, so I’m even closer than I thought
By Jonathan, May 7, 2007 @ 6:59 pm

Brilliant post Craig! I’m already on step 4 and about to head out to buy some spandex.