May
7
I know that everyone in America, nay, the WORLD, plans on visiting Mississippi for a riveting roller coaster ride of adventure in their lifetime, but if you’re not from the South, there are some definite things that you need to know before visiting. And I love you guys, and don’t want you to end up in an awkward situation while in the South. Therefore, I present:
THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE VISITING THE SOUTH:
1. When first moving to Mississippi, I ended up in a very confusing situation. It was my 7th grade English class, and the teacher asked me a question. It went down like this:
Teacher: Okay, Olivia? (making me answer something.)
Innocent Me: Um, yep.
Teacher: Excuse me…?
Innocent and Cute Olivia: Yes…it is a comma…
Teacher: Yes, ma’am?!
Inner Olivia: Why is she calling me ma’am…
Kid Behind Me: Say yes ma’am!
Adorable Me: Uh…yes…ma’am.
Teacher: Satisfied look on her face.
Now really. They all knew I was the new kid, and no one could help me out on that? No warnings or anything to say ma’am or sir. So the Number ONE thing you have to know not to end up in a weird situation where everyone thinks you’re a wolf-child is to add a Ma’am or Sir onto the end of EVERYTHING you say, just about. If it’s iffy, go for it anyway.
2. Not everyone is stupid in the South. It’s a place filled with loads of brilliant people, but characterized by stereotypes that aren’t exactly flattering. The Number TWO thing you should know is that the South isn’t stupid. Sure, some people are, but there’s stupid people everywhere.
3. Third, don’t say anything super liberal without expecting someone to try to shoot you, stab you, or wait for you in the parking lot after school. During the last election, I voiced my opinion agaisnt the 30 something other people in each class I had, and sure, there was some crying on my part. And sure, I got stabbed a little. But you have to be ready to get up and fight for it, so don’t say anything if you are tired, ill, or have to pee.
4. We do have electricity and indoor plumbing. And also a Walmart. And many other modern technological advances.
5. And this is really just in general, people don’t know each other just because they live in the same state. “OH, you live in Mississippi?! I have a cousin in Jackson! Do you know her, name’s Pam Yoodlehooper!?” (And how funny is that last name I made up, I should get that name.)
6. The South is not Sepia-toned. However, if you wear the right sunglasses, it is. And I do like my South in that shade of brown.
7. There are gypsies, and they are cool. But don’t let them paint your driveway.
8. People are VERY nice. It’s crazy. So smile at anyone you pass that looks at you, and say hello. There’s no pushing, etc, just be chill and strike up a conversation with the old lady in front of you in line.
9. People drive like crazy drunk squirrel kittens on acid. Check your mirrors frequently.
10. The South is not nearly as bad as people make it out to be, not nearly as terrible as I might make it sound when I’m in a bad mood. It really is a great place, you just have to get over the culture shock. Then it’s nice warm weather and beautiful fields of fluffy grass, along with marvelous guys and a lot of FANTASTIC food.
May 8th, 2007 at 7:18 am
Having lived up north for so long (DC), I long for some southern hospitality. For that, I’m moving to Houston. I’m getting tired of the bleeding hearts in DC.
May 8th, 2007 at 8:09 am
“Yoodlehooper” and “Crazy drunk squirrel kittens on acid”. Both sound names of some bands I saw on Lalapalooza.
And I guess the South is nice and friendly…unless you’re an interracial couple…or gay…or a gay interracial couple. And I don’t really call getting stabbed for stating your opinions a nice things.
BUT…Olivia, My Love, since you are there, it can’t be all bad, now can it?
HUGS…
May 8th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Polt,
I have lived in the Metro-Atlanta area for the last seven years and Birmingham before that. I also grew up in NY and lived in many other places during my time in the Navy. You cannot swing a dead cat by the tail without hitting a gay person or an interracial couple here in Atlanta and Birmingham. Please stop it with the stereotypes.
May 8th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Well done Olivia
Growing up in SC, there was definate culture shock when I moved to South Florida (which really isn’t the South in any way). Number 1 and 8 bit me in the ass especially. I have to fight my compulsion to call everyone Ma’am, cause women keep getting pissed and thinking I’m calling them old. And smiling and nodding down here just gets you a lot of dirty looks that say “What are you smiling at?? Are you up to something?”. On the plus side, a nice southern drawl can go a loooong way with some folks.
All in all though I’d have to side with Polt (nice Family Guy reference btw), which is why I’ve stayed down here with the over-tanned elderly ladies and snooty notherners. But great work on the list Olivia, very funny
May 8th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
OMG. I grew up in South Carolina, too! So as a Southern Belle, I have a few comments that are meant to be totally tongue-in-cheek.
3. I want to see your scars! Both mental and physical.
4. Wal-Mart? Convenient?
5. The same thing goes for the gay community, the Jewish community, the I dye my hair blond because I’m rich and drive a huge SUV and like to try to run over you stupid pedestrians community, etc.
6. Correct. Only Kansas is sepia-toned.
10. You’ll be fat in no time. That’s when they try to eat you. That’s why I moved out West.
May 8th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Adam,
I’m certain Atlanta and Birmingham are that way, and good for them. New Orleans, Dallas, Miami, Houston, and the Charlotte area as well, I’d imagine. And good for them as well. however, I don’t think I’m stereotyping to say that interacial couples, gay couples, and gay interracial couples are less accepted in the South than in other parts of the country.
Are there gay bashings in NYC and San Francisco? Sure there are. But I’d wager the incidents of acceptance are much much higher for the groups I mentioned outside the South and inside the South. And I don’t intend on stereotyping, just stating fact.
Is it stereotypical to saw Jews are not as accepted in Saudi Arabia as in Isreal? Protestants more accepted in Northern Ireland than the rest of Ireland? French speakers more accepting in Quebec as opposed to Alberta?
But hey, what’s with all this political and social conscience stuff on Puntabulous??? Is that allowed? Craig, show us a Transformer, Olivia, talk about Parker! Something to get us back on track!!!
HUGS…
May 8th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Well, it may not be Mississippi, but you surely summed up Augusta Georgia nicely. Thanks for trying to get the word out. Try living in LA and telling people you’re from a rural area and/or the South. All they can think are “inbred” and “overalls.” It’s very disappointing. But they sure as hell don’t have Waffle House OR Cracker Barrel in California! I’d marry my brother for some good biscuits and gravy any day!
May 8th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Yeah, I don’t like all this serious talk! Gross!
Let’s focus on the silly, and how I will never in a million years refer to anyone as “ma’am” or “sir”.
I think it stems from my time growing up in karate and having to call people ma’am and sir who I didn’t really respect.
Plus ma’am is spelt weird. What’s with the random apostrophe? If it were a “d” it would be “madam”.
May 8th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
There ARE gypsies!!!
May 8th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Yep. You have summed it up pretty well. I was transplanted to the south a bit younger (age 5) so I don’t remember it all that well, but all of my relatives up North love to make fun of my accent! I do remember learning to read and there was a HUGE issue with pronouncing “the”. When I said “THEE” at home instead of “THUGH” the Yankee in my mom went a little nuts. You have to be pretty close to Memphis, which is a culturally diverse place, so it’s not like you are smack-dab in the middle of nowhere.
May 8th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
I work concessions at the Carolina Panthers games, and I have literally had people *withhold payment* until I squeaked out a “sir”. I mean, come on, you’re buying Cracker Jacks and you have beer on your shirt. You probably sexually harassed me the last time I climbed the stairs. I do not want to call you “sir”.
Oh, and people really do drive like crazy drunk squirrel kittens on acid. I’m not entirely sure that the general population of North Carolina has figured out yet that those little blinking lights on the back of cars aren’t just decoration.
May 8th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
Ah yes! Better than Olivia talking about Parker, Parker himSELF comments!
Parker, how ya doin, punkin?
HUGS….
May 9th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
The boyfriend is from Lexington and I’m a born & bred Seattlite. No one has more thoroughly changed my view of the south (and I’m told Kentucky is a bit of a stretch for that classification but given the side they were on in the Civil War, it works for me.) I’m determined to go back there with him and see it (the pics of bluegrass country are awfully pretty) but he’s pretty sure he will *not* be introducing me to his grandmother, or half of his family, given that I’m not white like him.