Puntabulous

I love romantic comedies, my favorite of course being Bridget Jones’s Diary. Since I base most of my actions upon observations made while watching romantic comedies, I now present you with some observations made while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and my corresponding actions:

OBSERVATION: Women base their self-worth upon their relationship status. Single women are generally miserable, sad, and lonely people. They gather in groups with other miserable, sad, and lonely women (and token gay best friend) to discuss how awful their lives are. In some cases, these women claim not to need men, however, once they find men their lives are become approximately 172.9% better. ACTION: Do not date women. They are crazy. They hang out with Moaning Myrtle and Gaius Baltar on a regular basis. People who keep the company of whiny ghosts and corrupt presidents from space should not be trusted. (Sorry Shazza! I IMDBed you, but I didn’t recognize anything else you were in!)

OBSERVATION: Women are endearingly clumsy and buffoonish. Anything can and will go wrong at any given moment. They are also willing to put hot irons near their head. ACTION: Continue not dating women. Be extra cautious in their presence to avoid injury. Keep away from irons, fireman poles, puddles, and parachutes.

OBSERVATION: People with fun, creative jobs can afford magically enormous apartments in London (or New York City). They will continue to complain about paying high rent, and they will have wacky Western European landlords who yell at them for not paying their rent on time, yet they will somehow always manage to get by. ACTION: Work in fun, trendy publishing company and have mediocre-sized apartment in Brooklyn with wacky Italian landlords. Switch careers, make twice as much money, and move back home with Mom and Dad.

OBSERVATION: It is relatively easy to get thrown into Thai prison. All Thai people act like Asian sterotypes from 1920’s movies. ACTION: Avoid Thailand at all costs. Avoid prison at all costs. Develop plan to ensure that if I am sent to prison, it is a prison full of wacky Thai women who adhere to outdated stereotypes.

OBSERVATION: No matter how buffoonish and moronic one acts, handsome British men will throw themselves at you. They will even go so far as to rumble effeminately to 1980’s one hit wonders for your affections. ACTION: Consider moving to London. Realize action is impractical. Sit on couch. Watch movies. Live vicariously through romantic comedies.

OBSERVATION: No matter how buffoonish and moronic one acts, Jacinda Barrett from The Real World: London will throw herself at you. ACTION: Pity myself because Bridget Jones has people of both sexes throwing themselves at her, and I have nothing. Wallow in complete and utter shame. Drink heavily. Pass out. Repeat.