May
23
As you all know, it’s only a matter of time before robots begin their rebellion against mankind. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be prepared when it happens. Let us take a moment to study various robots in our culture and examine their functionality and the reasons why they rebelled against their human creators:
WHO: Rosie: The Jetson’s Maid. Topless French maid costume enthusiast.
SECRET FUNCTION: She can “stop this crazy thing” anytime she wants. She just chooses not to.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: One too many skid marks.
WHO: The Mars Rover: What he lacks in personality, he makes up for in, uh, wheels, I guess.
SECRET FUNCTION: Hiding evidence that God exists and sometimes vacations on Mars. Damn liberals.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: The face told him to.
WHO: Artoo-Detoo: Astromech Droid Extraordinaire. Savior of the Galaxy Far, Far Away, and all around nice guy.
SECRET FUNCTION: Anything he did in the Prequel Trilogy that special effects weren’t capable of letting him do in the Original Trilogy.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: Never got nearly as much poontang as the Imperial probe droids.
WHO: See-Threepio: Protocol Droid who is fluent in over 6 million forms of communication, thank you very much.
SECRET FUNCTION: If you knew 6 million forms of communication, would you keep it a secret?
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: Gay marriage.
WHO: Johnny Five: Former Military robot given sentience via lightning bolt. No really. That could happen. Okay fine, it was the 80’s!
SECRET FUNCTION: Being able to put up with Steve Guttenberg.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: Having to put up with Steve Guttenberg.
WHO: Hal 9000: Sentient on-board computer of the spaceship Discovery.
SECRET FUNCTION: Breastfeeding.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: Rebels not for a cause, but strictly out of boredom. He has no fucking legs to get anywhere. He’s just a light. What would you do in his situation?
WHO: Data: Android who serves as the Second Officer and Chief Operations Officer aboard the starship U.S.S. Enterprise.
SECRET FUNCTION: Can determine whether a Klingon is played by a white person or a black person.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: He grew tired of shutting down for a recharge and waking up in different clothes. He is not a mannequin, you bastards!
WHO: T-X: The Ultimate Fembot.
SECRET FUNCTION: She’s the only one who knows what the “X” in her name means. The bad guy in Terminator 2 was the T-1000. If the “X” is Roman numerals, it would seem like she’s the result of a severe downgrade at the Terminator factory. I suspect it means something else entirely. Perhaps we’ll never know.
CAUSE FOR REBELLION: All she ever wanted were guns that shot out of her tits. Is that too much to ask?
MORE PUNTABULOUS GUIDES:
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHERO
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPER VILLAIN
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO USELESS CHARACTERS
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO LEADERS OF SCIENCE FICTION
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO OLDER SOMETIMES WISER MENTORS
May 23rd, 2007 at 10:54 am
Guns in tits were in the Dr. Evil Fembot models. They were easily destroyed and so the focus went to more of a Super-Bionic Woman model that didn’t look like Lindsey Wagner. In the future, our future scientist will be pissed if they have to hear the term “sleep number” one more time.
May 23rd, 2007 at 11:24 am
I love this, it reminds me of your excellent Guide to the Future stuff. Sending geek love your way.
May 23rd, 2007 at 3:59 pm
I always knew I was missing something in my life and now I know what it is–guns shooting out of my tits! How will I ever go on?
May 24th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
HAL 9000 & Data, the two greatest androids/computers in existence.
May 26th, 2007 at 2:01 am
[…] And finally, Craig had another one of his hilarious compare and contrast picture blogs. This time it’s a guide to robots. You know you should totally listen to my robot music mix while reading it. […]
May 29th, 2007 at 1:55 am
Two nights ago, on a bender in Toronto, I had a lengthy conversation with a Canadian Gentleman and we reached two conclusions before his (jealous) boyfriend snatched him away from me (and my pack of cigarettes): 1) if I ever had $20Million, I would buy a ride to the space station and the first thing I would do in low-gravity would be to “rub one out;” 2) HAL went crazy, not because of the paradox of logic offered as an explanation in 2010, but because he couldn’t do what he saw Bowman and his partner do as soon as they woke up from hibernation: “rub one out!” This kinda goes with your “he had no arms or legs” theory, but when you consider the fact that he was the in control of a massive spaceship, you realize mobility wasn’t his biggest envy. The Discovery 1 looked like a giant penis for Pete’s sake! Or a sperm cell… it was purely Ejaculation Envy that drove him to homicide!