Lately a lot has been going on, and like Craig, I’m having trouble finding time for a real REAL post. Therefore, I present you with my life in the random pictures I take on a day to day basis!
The little boy on that >> side of me is the kid I mentor. He has behavioral issues and makes me really tired.
I apologize for the random posts this week. I haven’t had two minutes to sit down and focus on a real post so I just try and bang these out when I can. Did I just say bang?
1. Die Hard 4 being rated PG-13. Lame. It’s not that a movie has to be rated R to be good. That’s obviously not true. It’s the fact that it will be trimmed down to make it rated R that’s just so stupid. As with a lot of movies these days, the intent of the movie studios is to make the movies more accessible to teenagers under 17 and therefore more commercially successful (apparently they forget about the ridiculous success of the Matrix Trilogy and the more recent 300).
The result is you get watered down versions of the actual movies. Such as an Alien Vs. Predator movie with little to no blood and guts. But don’t worry. You’ll get to see the original rated R version of the movie. But not until it comes out on DVD. And not until a few months after you bought the original cut on DVD and then they release the uncut version.
2. Speaking of DVDs, I got The Fountain on DVD yesterday. I’m really excited. I saw it in the theaters and thought it was amazing. Then I read loads of people’s theories and explanations about the movie online and now I’m excited rewatch it.
3. Speaking of idiotic movie studios. The MPAA (the people who come up wth the rating system and rate each of the movies) have succumbed to pressure from anti-tobacco groups and will now consider smoking in their guidelines for rating a movie. These groups wanted an automatic R rating if smoking is depicted as “glamorized” or “pervasive”. Luckily the MPAA just said they will consider those factors when rating a movie as if to say “Okay crazy people, we hear your point, move along, move along“. Now I’m just about as anti-smoking as you can get, but I really think this is over doing it.
It’s like blaming video games for gun violence. I just don’t see it. I played Contra for about the first 20 years of my life and it didn’t make me want to go around shooting people. All it made me want to do is go Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right A B B A Select Start at the start of every other video game to see if I could get unlimited lives. Although these days with the controllers the way they are it would be more like: Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right Swirl Left Thumb Stick Swirl Right Thumb Stick Swirl Left Thumb Stick Swirl Right Thumb Stick Left Trigger Right Trigger Left Trigger Right Trigger A D B C A D B C White Button White Button Black Button Black Button Select Start. I think I had a heart aneurism just thinking about it.
4. Yesterday in class, my professor said something along the lines of “Don’t you all hate e-mail? I know I do!” in reference to communicating with coworkers. I hate this line of thinking. Get with the times geezer! I hate when people call me instead of e-mailing me at work. If i have an e-mail from you, I’ll remember what you need rather than getting a call, writing it on a post-it, losing the post-it, and then not getting you what you need. Apparently keeping all requests and correspondence in writing is an awful idea us young whipper snappers created to infuriate the old folks.
It’s true, I love a lot of things. Like the song “Any Way You Want It” where it goes “she loves to move, she loves to groove! She loves the lovin’ things!” That’s a great song. But I’ve been trying to narrow all the things I love to a top five. And it is TOUGH.
I know that my Number One Favorite Thing has got to be Cuddling. I’m not very snuggly, but it’s not my problem. I am not the one that is getting snuggly with myself. But I love Cuddling more than anything. Depending on the person with whom I am in the action of cuddling. Oh, my GOD, how awesome did that last sentence sound? Beside the point, but true.
My Number Two Favorite Thing is Things That Smell Good. This category includes clean laundry, flowers, the smell of outside (unless outside it smells bad), the nice dirt/grass smell of my fat-ass cat, Kitty, and handsome boys who take me bowling.
My Number Three Favorite Thing is Sleeping. I figured this one out last night, while falling asleep. As I was drifting off, I thought, “Wow, Sleeping is the best.” I then conveyed this thought via text message.
My Number Four Favorite Thing is Cuddling While Sleeping Surrounded by things that Smell Good. It seems only natural since it includes the three previous favorite things. And it’s like a paper doll, there’s a lot of various ways you can arrange it. I could be sleeping in a bed that smells good cuddling with a cat, I could be sleeping and cuddling with a person who smells good. It’s amazing like that.
My Number Five Favorite Thing is Still Undetermined. I don’t know what it is! It’s hard! The other four are easy and obvious! So I need help with this one. What do you guys think it should be?
1. You know the movie National Treasure? And how they (spoiler, highlight to read) find the treasure in the end at Trinity Church in New York City? Well I work in one of the buidlings at Trinity Center where the church is, and one day I thought I found the treasure. So after that, everyday at lunch I would go down to the church and sneak out small portions of the treasure in my socks. Turns out it was the church’s donation box.
2. Why don’t they make a Dirty Dancing Broadway musical? I mean come on, they’re making a Xanadu show, so why not Dirty Dancing? Maybe they tried and it’s really hard to get the rights to all the songs. But they should keep trying. I bet it would do really well. Xanadu? Not so much.
3. I bought a Flip Camcorder this weekend. They’re only $150. Can you believe it? It’s amazing! Perhaps we’ll start seeing Puntabulous videos after all? You never know, maybe my videos will be the new hit of xtube pornotube youtube!
4. I saw Hot Fuzz. It’s pretty much the best movie I’ve seen in a long time. Fracture was also really good. I haven’t seen Spiderman 3 yet though, but I did see portions of the first Spiderman this weekend on TV and was able to confirm with myself that it is possibly the worst superhero movie in recent history. I love the part when Aunt Mae is taken to the hospital after she’s attacked by the Green Goblin and she’s all like: “Those eyes! Those horrible yellow eyes!” I love Aunt Mae, but seriously, it’s a fucking mask! It’s not like they’re his actual eyes! Calm the fuck down!
5. I really hope Renee (or should I say, NeNe?) wins America’s Next Top Model. I know she can sometimes be a bitch and all, but I’ve liked her from the beginning. I wouldn’t mind if any of the remaining three won though because Jaslene is pretty cool too (especially with the whole drag queen self-awareness thing she has going on) and Natasha is just so crazy that I would love seeing her “My Life as a CoverGirl” commercials next season. Speaking of “My Life as a CoverGirl“, CariDee’s have been sucking this season.
6. SURVIVOR FINALE SPOILERS! Can you believe Dreamz didn’t give Yau-Man the immunity necklace?! That was crazy! He should have at least given the car back! I thought Dreamz seemed like a nice kid all season who was just in over his head. But doing that was just awful. I liked Earl though so I’m glad he won. But I would’ve liked Yau-Man to have won more. Lisi and Alex are childish assholes with extreme cases of sour grapes. They were awful during the last tribal council question and answers. I hope they felt like dicks watching themselves.
7. Finally, in celebration of Mother’s Day this past weekend, check out all these fantastic Mommy Bloggers: My Two Cents, Mommy Needs a Martini, Crunchy Carpets, Watching Clouds, Cheaper Than Therapy, La Madre Loca, Miss Mommy. I think I got everyone, if I missed you, let me know! Here’s the token Daddy Blogger for good measure: Adam’s Blog.
I added another video to the video page called “Jazz Cops“. Here it is:
I recommend you check it out along with the other videos hanging out there. I wonder if I’ll ever be technologically savvy enough to start making my own videos? That would be fun.
I love romantic comedies, my favorite of course being Bridget Jones’s Diary. Since I base most of my actions upon observations made while watching romantic comedies, I now present you with some observations made while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and my corresponding actions:
OBSERVATION: Women base their self-worth upon their relationship status. Single women are generally miserable, sad, and lonely people. They gather in groups with other miserable, sad, and lonely women (and token gay best friend) to discuss how awful their lives are. In some cases, these women claim not to need men, however, once they find men their lives are become approximately 172.9% better. ACTION: Do not date women. They are crazy. They hang out with Moaning Myrtle and Gaius Baltar on a regular basis. People who keep the company of whiny ghosts and corrupt presidents from space should not be trusted. (Sorry Shazza! I IMDBed you, but I didn’t recognize anything else you were in!)
I know that everyone in America, nay, the WORLD, plans on visiting Mississippi for a riveting roller coaster ride of adventure in their lifetime, but if you’re not from the South, there are some definite things that you need to know before visiting. And I love you guys, and don’t want you to end up in an awkward situation while in the South. Therefore, I present:
THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE VISITING THE SOUTH:
1. When first moving to Mississippi, I ended up in a very confusing situation. It was my 7th grade English class, and the teacher asked me a question. It went down like this:
Teacher: Okay, Olivia? (making me answer something.)
Innocent Me: Um, yep.
Teacher: Excuse me…?
Innocent and Cute Olivia: Yes…it is a comma…
Teacher: Yes, ma’am?!
Inner Olivia: Why is she calling me ma’am…
Kid Behind Me: Say yes ma’am!
Adorable Me: Uh…yes…ma’am.
Teacher: Satisfied look on her face.
Now really. They all knew I was the new kid, and no one could help me out on that? No warnings or anything to say ma’am or sir. So the Number ONE thing you have to know not to end up in a weird situation where everyone thinks you’re a wolf-child is to add a Ma’am or Sir onto the end of EVERYTHING you say, just about. If it’s iffy, go for it anyway.
2. Not everyone is stupid in the South. It’s a place filled with loads of brilliant people, but characterized by stereotypes that aren’t exactly flattering. The Number TWO thing you should know is that the South isn’t stupid. Sure, some people are, but there’s stupid people everywhere.
3. Third, don’t say anything super liberal without expecting someone to try to shoot you, stab you, or wait for you in the parking lot after school. During the last election, I voiced my opinion agaisnt the 30 something other people in each class I had, and sure, there was some crying on my part. And sure, I got stabbed a little. But you have to be ready to get up and fight for it, so don’t say anything if you are tired, ill, or have to pee.
4. We do have electricity and indoor plumbing. And also a Walmart. And many other modern technological advances.
5. And this is really just in general, people don’t know each other just because they live in the same state. “OH, you live in Mississippi?! I have a cousin in Jackson! Do you know her, name’s Pam Yoodlehooper!?” (And how funny is that last name I made up, I should get that name.)
6. The South is not Sepia-toned. However, if you wear the right sunglasses, it is. And I do like my South in that shade of brown.
7. There are gypsies, and they are cool. But don’t let them paint your driveway.
8. People are VERY nice. It’s crazy. So smile at anyone you pass that looks at you, and say hello. There’s no pushing, etc, just be chill and strike up a conversation with the old lady in front of you in line.
9. People drive like crazy drunk squirrel kittens on acid. Check your mirrors frequently.
10. The South is not nearly as bad as people make it out to be, not nearly as terrible as I might make it sound when I’m in a bad mood. It really is a great place, you just have to get over the culture shock. Then it’s nice warm weather and beautiful fields of fluffy grass, along with marvelous guys and a lot of FANTASTIC food.
So this weekend was my sister’s 30th birthday. We rented a bus and went to a club in the city. Try not to think about me on the dance floor dancing to 80’s music, that’s not the topic of this post. Although trying not to make a fool of myself on the dancefloor was quite a challenge as the name of this post implies.
On the bus ride in, I was in the bathroom and came across this little sticker:
Crazy right?! And I don’t just mean how far apart that guy’s head is from the rest of his body. And I don’t mean the positioning of that guy’s arm (although it is a bit scandalous if you ask me). I’m talking about how it’s telling me how to pee! I see that, and I feel like I’m back in the Wild West and the little jackass is challenging to a duel at high noon.
I hear a voice in my head and it says: “Hey you! You yellow-bellied, lanky bastard! Don’t even think about standing up while you pee! You will get it all over the place! You must sit like a woman!” And me being the kinda guy that likes to obey all of society’s gender rules is all like: “How dare you talk to me like that! I am no woman! I will pee as I please!”
I don’t even care if sitting down makes more sense, I don’t care that standing up while peeing in a moving vehicle is one of the hardest stunts a man can pull off, and I don’t care that I’m so freaking tall that my head hits the ceiling when I stand up in that tiny bathroom so I’d probably be more comfortable sitting down anyway. It’s the principle of the matter!
So I want you all to know that you must never give up in the face of adversity, stare back into the face of the enemy, and clean up after yourself when the bus hits some turbulence.
Have you ever yearned to live a life of meaning? Are you tired of spending your nights alone in front of the television watching reruns of The Golden Girls? Have you ever thought to yourself: “What am I doing wrong? Why do I fail to contribute anything of value to society?”
If so, you may want to consider entering the life of a superhero. Here at Puntabulous, we wish to help you on your journey to becoming a superhero. By following these twelve simple steps, we guarantee that you will be well on your way to finally making a legitimate contribution to society:
1. Troubled Past:
Superheroes aren’t made overnight. It takes years of living a shitty life of unimportance before deciding to take matters into your own hands and becoming a superhero.
2. Tragic Incident:
Now we don’t recommend killing your parents yourself, but it might be beneficial to wish slight harm upon them in order to get the tragic incident you need to jump start your superhero career. I mean come on, how many superheroes have parents? Sorry Mom and Dad, your services are no longer required.
3. Wise Mentor:
After your tragic incident, you will need an older, wiser mentor to take you under their wing, because let’s face it, you’re not smart enough to be making life-changing decisions on your own. After all, it took you, like, five minutes to decide whether it was worth the effort to change your socks after you put them on and saw there were holes in the toes.
4. Special Powers/Abilities:
Superheroes are nothing but fruitcakes running around in gay outfits without their special powers and abilities. What can you do? What makes you so special? If you are unlucky enough to not have toxic waste poured all over you allowing you to develop super powers, you may want to consider using fancy gadgets instead.
5. Training Montage:
No transition to becoming a superhero is complete without a rockin’ training montage. It doesn’t matter what you’re actually doing while you train as long as there is awesome music playing in the background and you look cool doing it.
6. Cool Costume:
I hope you have a friend who’s good with a needle and thread because you may end up looking like the above picture if you don’t. But don’t worry, by the last portion of your training montage (as mentioned above) you will have miraculously developed a super amazing, super form-fitting, super suit.
7. Posing:
Madonna said it best when she said: “Music mix the bourgeoisie and the rebel”. But that’s besides the point. She also said: “Strike a pose, vogue, vogue, vogue”. Cameras will be following you wherever you go, be sure to practice your slick character-defining poses in the mirror.
8. Dorky Alter-Ego:
But you can’t possibly run around in tight outfits posing all the time, can you? You need time to relax! Chill out! What better way to relax than to live your life as a complete and utter dork! The last thing you want to do after a long night of crime-fighting is play a game of raquetball with one of your coworkers. So be sure to give off a completely unathletic vibe, so people won’t ask you to do any more heavy activity than you’re already doing.
9. Smooth Ride:
Keep in mind that your ride must be tailored towards your superhero persona. You’d never see Batman riding around on a giant seahorse would you? Not to mention Batman is on land doing actual crime-fighting rather than weirdo fish-non-crime-fighting like some other superheroes we know.
10. Love Interest/Damsel in Distress:
Who says superheroes can’t have a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side? Yeah, there’s that whole issue of getting attached to other people, which bad guys can use against you. But say an evil psychopath kidnaps your significant other, you’re obviously going to be able to rescue them, you ARE a superhero after all! You thought make-up sex was great? Try you just saved me from an evil psychopath sex. AMAZING!
11. Arch-Nemesis:
A superhero is only as strong as their arch-nemesis. Be sure your arch-nemesis is a big-thinker. The more elebaborate their plans for world domination, the more likely they are to fail with minimal effort on your part. Chatty is also a plus. (I bet you didn’t think I’d be able to fit in a picture from Catwoman, did you?)
12. Saving the Day:
Okay fine. I guess when you’re done running around, posing in tight outfits, exchanging witty banter with your older, wiser mentor and your evil arch-nemesis, mourning the loss of your long dead parents, and macking it with your hot, sassy love intertest, you may want to consider saving the day. Just don’t make a habit of it. You’re making the rest of us look bad.
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