So the reason my Mom found out about my blog is plain and simple. I am a competitive bastard. Let me preface this by saying that my Mom thinks the internet is the Devil. I think she’s afraid that at the tender age of 25, I am still at risk of being kidnapped by child predators. This idea may seem ridiculous at first, however, if someone pulled up and offered me candy if I drove around with them while they searched for their lost puppy dog, I’d be a goner. Mmmm…candy…

MOVING ON:

My Mom doesn’t even like the fact that I have a MySpace page. So I thought it was for the best that I not tell her about this little Puntabulous thing I had going on. When I would take pictures with Natalie Portman, my wife, I would explain that I was just sending them to my friends as a joke. Deception? My forte!

CUT TO:

My brother Adam found my blog. I’m not sure how he found it, but he did. I explained that Mom didn’t know about it, and that it might be best if she didn’t.

CUT TO:

My brother Adam started his own blog. HERE IT IS! Now I’m not sure why he did, but I can only assume that he was amazed and inspired by the wonderfulness of my blog, that he tried to emulate me by making his own. Right, Adam?

Adam, proud of his new blog, told my Mom about it. Did she go apeshit, you ask? No! She loved it! She even started leaving comments! COMMENTS! My mom, who never goes near the computer ever, and who needed me to talk her through checking her e-mail over the phone while I was away in college, and who severely questions the difference between clicking and double-clicking, was suddenly reading blogs and leaving comments!

Now don’t get me wrong, Adam’s blog is really funny. It’s a great contrast to Mommy Bloggers, but from a Dad’s perspective. But man, Mom just could not stop talking about how wonderful Adam’s blog was. “Did you read Adam’s blog today?” “Wasn’t Adam’s post funny today?” “Isn’t Adam a remarkable human being who is now my favorite child because of his amazing blog?” Okay, it didn’t go that far, but it was pretty close. Adam has the edge on me because he can blog about his children, my Mom’s grandchildren. Mom’s are suckers for grandchildren.

I held my tongue for as long as I could. It wasn’t until I posted a link to Adam’s blog and Antonio, a long-time Puntabulous reader (Hi Antonio!), made his way over to Adam’s blog and left a comment. My Mom almost died of joy. “Some guy named Antonio found Adam’s blog and left a comment! Adam’s blog is so amazing that random people find it and love it!”

I snapped. “I can’t take it anymore! I have a blog too!” I shouted. “And it’s better than Adam’s! And random people only found his because I linked to him!” My Mom was shocked. She was quiet for a second, thought to herself, and then finally said: “So you’re not just sending those pictures of you and Natalie Portman to your friends?”

So now both mine and Adam’s blogs are bookmarked on my parents computer for easy access. And the good thing is, Adam is all the way in Atlanta, so he can’t help it if I do stuff like this:

Okay, so maybe I’m a tad competitive. Sue me. Oh, and comments are back. Woo!

Dear Comments,

Hi. How are you? Where did you go?

I realize that my server sucks huge ass these days. But why did you disappear? The thought of switching service providers scares me because I would have no idea how to do so.

Please come back. And bring a normal functioning, 100% working server with you. This one sucks.

Love,
Craig

One of my favorite scenes from Reno 911:

Like any normal married couple, me and Natalie Portman, my wife, don’t lead the perfect lives. Although we love each other very much (and our love is of the purest kind) we often get into little arguments.

Click the link for the full story: ,

We all have them. We’re not proud of them, but we can’t help ourselves. They’re the movies we can’t help but hold near and dear to our hearts. Whether we hide them amongst our DVD collections or internally shout for joy when we come across them on television. They are our guilty pleasure movies. These are mine:

Halle Berry doesn’t even come close to the awesomeness that Michelle Pfeiffer reached when she played Catwoman in Batman Returns, but that’s part of the fun. At the very end when Sharon Stone is about to kill Catwoman, the following exchange takes place:

Sharon Stone: Game over.

Halle Berry: Guess what? It’s overtime!

And then they start fighting again. Awesome. I actually got my parents to watch this with me by convincing them that it would be “fun”. They still haven’t forgiven me.

This is by far the worst of the Batman movies. It’s so cheesy and over the top that you can’t help but love it. Bat nipples? You betcha! Alicia Silverstone? I’m there! Batman and Robin just happen to have ice skates built into their boots to fight Mr. Freeze? Sure! Uma Thurman at one point actually says “Curses!”. It’s genius. It’s a shame though because I feel like underneath the toy commercial, there actually might have been a good movie there. George Clooney could have been a really cool Bruce Wayne. Also, the tragedy of Mr. Freeze and his dying wife could have been really great, but instead, it’s glossed over like (dare I say it?) icing. Ugh. I hate myself for that.

Don’t even get me started on these movies. I love them. Yes, even the one where the dogs are talking! At the very end of Look Who’s Talking Now, when one of the dogs saves the day and Kirstie Alley shouts: “My dog is a genius!” is one of my all time favorite movie moments. People always say how John Travolta had his comeback in 1994 when Pulp Fiction came out. But Look Who’s Talking Now came out in 1993. He didn’t need a comeback!

I have three words for you: Supermodel Documentary Hour! This is my make-me-feel-better movie. It has helped me in many times of need. Bad test score? Superstar! Break up? Superstar! I don’t really feel guilty for liking it. I feel guilty for how awesome it makes me feel. It’s embarrassing.

What post about guilty pleasures would be complete without a mention of Showgirls? I prefer the VH1 version though where they paint on cartoon bras and panties (that’s right, I said panties!) on all the strippers to make it safe for television. It’s also great when they cut out key pieces of the plot (I know, what plot?) because they are unsafe for television, but then they reference those scenes in later scenes, and make absolutely no sense. I don’t own this on DVD, but if they sold the VH1 version, I’d be all over it.

What are your guilty pleasure movies?

1. I watched Planet of the Apes for the first time the other day. While I enjoyed it thoroughly, I’m disappointed that the ending has been spoiled for me through years of spoofs and pop culture references. It’s hard to be shocked by the final revelation when the picture of Charlton “Rigor-Mortis Hands” Heston standing by the Statue of Liberty has become such a part of our history. Same goes for the whole “Luke, I am your father” thing. Which, by the way, isn’t really what Darth Vader says. He says: “No, I am your father.” (See, Puntabulous can be fun AND educational!) But there is no way that anyone could be shocked by any of these revelations these days.

Going back to Planet of the Apes, I wonder if I would have been shocked by the ending had I not already known. They gave lots of clues throughout, and it seemed pretty obvious, but it could have just been obvious since I already knew what was going on. But then again, as movie watchers these days, we’re programmed to stay on the lookout for major plot twists in the last 5 minutes of the movie (Thanks M!) and after a while, the twists themselves can be predictable. Or maybe we’re just more sophisticated movie-goers these days. I mean come on, have you SEEN The Exorcist? People were throwing up in the aisles when it first played in the theaters. I watched it for the first time in college and it was ridiculously lame and awful. Pea soup? Not so scary. Crab walking down the stairs? Fun to try; not scary to watch.

2. Alias is rocking my world. I’m on the second season, and Sydney, Mom and Dad just went on a mission together. It was nothing short of amazing. While I’m on the topic of television on DVD (and I know I just talked about how I wasn’t going to buy anything else for a while) but what are everyone’s thoughts on Babylon 5? I’ve never watched, but I’m really intrigued by the idea of all five seasons telling a single epic story. Where my dorks at?

3. So who wants to go to the Creation Museum with me? The only problem is that you’ll have to drag me in there kicking and screaming (not terribly different from Joan Crawford’s wire hanger freakout in Mommie Dearest) since it pretty much goes against everything I believe in. The motto of the museum is “Prepare to Believe”. But I’m pretty sure if you’re going into this place, you’ll pretty much believe anything they throw at you. What can you see at the museum, you ask?

The state-of-the-art 60,000 square foot museum brings the pages of the Bible to life, casting its characters and animals in dynamic form, and placing them in familiar settings. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden’s rivers. The serpent coils cunningly in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

See the scaffolding, smell the freshly-cut timbers in the busy work site of Noah’s Ark. Delve into the belly of the Ark and imagine the stalls full of animals, in close quarters. Can you hear the sounds of, thunderous, driving rains—the pounding of water against the sides of the great Ark?

We provide a safe retreat for the dinosaurs at the Creation Museum. You’ll find our big-as-life dinosaurs living, in a sense, in our gardens and sauntering throughout our exhibit halls. Eye-blinking, mouth-chewing, tail-swinging creatures—part of our collection of animatronics—may startle just a few of our guests.

Wow, this sounds like an awesome learning experience! But I think I’d rather watch Evan Almighty and The Flintstones and gain approximately the same amount of knowledge. In fact, I think I’ll just stick with Evan Almighty based solely on the fact that it has Wanda Sykes. She’s so sassy and black!

4. So far Meg is the only one that followed my lead and picked herself out of a lineup. She did spectacularly!

5. In case you were wondering, Puntabulous is the number one Google search result for pregnant superheroes slave. I’m also still the number one Google search result for sock full of oranges.

6. I turned down a paying blogging gig. I figured I needed to dedicate what little time I have for blogging to Puntabulous and my adoring fans. Come on, adoring fans! Adore me!

7. So my Mom reads my blog now. Say hi to my Mom everyone! Turns out my whole family knows about this blog now. Some secrets just weren’t meant to last, I suppose.

So I already taught you how to be a Superhero. Now’s your chance to walk on the wild side. Follow these twelve easy steps, and before you know it, you’ll be well on your way to world domination!

1. LEAD A TRAGIC LIFE:

Since dirty, stinking liberals always seem to have their way (oh, how they make my blood boil!) it seems that these days, we’re supposed to feel bad for evil super villains (Just like the terrorists!). They don’t mean to be so evil. They’ve just lived such terrible lives, so they’re forced to resort to violence and killing. Say it with me now: Awwwww…

2. FREAK ACCIDENT:

Similar to the tragic accident in a superhero’s life, in order to become a super villain you will need to have a freak accident that will turn you into a freakish monster. Unlike the superhero’s tragic accident, your tragic accident must be caused by your own hunger for power. Of course the freak accident won’t kill you! They don’t call them “freak” accidents for nothing! It will only make you stronger! And angrier. And give you thoughts of world domination that you’ve never had before for no apparent reason.

3. WEAR A COSTUME:

Why should superheroes have all the fun? You deserve to be a little flashy too. You’ve earned it! Men: Nothing says “evil genius” like pastels and neons. Women: Want to be taken seriously in the male dominated world of super villains? Try tight leather and kitty cat ears. Purrrrrfect!

4. WATCH YOUR MOUTH:

Sure, you’re evil. Sure, you’re bent on taking over the world. Sure, you have no problem killing millions of harmless creatures who never meant you any harm. But that doesn’t mean you have to talk like an uncivilized barbarian! There could be kids watching! Don’t actually say curses; say “curses!” Other suggestions: “Drats!” “Blast!” Or just shake your fists in anger while crying unusually large tears.

5. HAVE BAD TEETH:

Who needs strong, healthy teeth? Not you! You’d never see Voldemort struggling with a piece of corn-on-the-cob, would you? That’s because the individual kernels of corn are so afraid of him, that they pull themselves free of the cob, and jump down his throat themselves. Also, your minions have killed every dentist in the world at your request since you had bad experiences with them when you were a child, so you’re kinda screwed.

6. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SKANKS:

Why wait the few months it will take for your plans of world domination to come through? Start indulging yourself now! So it might take your eye off the prize slighty, but come on, your plans are fool-proof! What could go wrong?

7. KEEP A STRICT BUDGET:

Always keep in mind: Smart = Expensive; Dumb = Cheap. You may have bajillions of dollars at your disposal, but quality military forces can get expensive. By cutting corners where you can, and using cheap non-unionized military forces, you can save a bundle in the long run. Remember: Skanks don’t come cheap! Start prioritizing!

8. MAKE NO SENSE WHAT-SO-EVER:

If you can’t convince them, confuse them! Remember when the Architect told Neo all about what was going down? And how Neo was the sixth “One” in a series of “Ones”? And us viewers spent the next 6 months before the following Matrix movie trying to decipher what that meant? Well it meant nothing! It had no bearing on the rest of the series! It was all part of the Architect’s plan to confuse and distract us! What an evil genius!

9. THINK BIG:

If history has taught us one thing, it is that empires are fun, and easy to maintain. Why should you be happy with enough money to live ridiculously wealthy for the rest of your life? If every person on every distant world isn’t under your control, you’re pretty much a failure. Just imagine how much better your life will be knowing that Joe Shmoe on a planet 3,849 lightyears away has to use a postage stamp with your face on it. It’s a beautiful thing.

10. THE MORE COMPLEX THE BETTER:

But maybe you don’t want world domination? Maybe you would be happy with buckets and buckets of money. How should you get said money? Use your unlimited resources to rig the stock market? Or rob a Las Vegas casino? Nah! Steal some strange, difficult to control alien technology to create your own continent, flood the rest of the world, and then sell pieces of your continent to the public at outrageous prices! What do you mean, you and your five dumb goons won’t be able to hold off the rest of the world as they come pouring by the millions onto your new continent? Of course it will work! Quit being such a nervous Nellie!

11. LOSE ALL SENSE OF REASON:

Always remember that the “what” is always more important than the “why”. Sure everyone knows that Sylar wanted to blow up New York. But does anyone know why? Think about it. What would he have gained by going through all the trouble of stealing everyone’s powers (except Claire’s, which he definitely would have needed after the bomb went off) and then blowing up New York? So you see, you can go through all the rationalization you want in your head beforehand. But if no one remembers it, what’s the point? So don’t even bother. Go nuts!

12. BE HANDS OFF:

So everything is set. The wheels are in motion. Nothing can stop you now! You are the most powerful force the galaxy has ever seen. Your powers can flatten armies of thousands in mere seconds. But! You can’t be expected to get your hands dirty, can you? Leave everything up to your minions! Or chance. Whichever.

Previously: PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHERO!

As a society, we aren’t always the people we strive to be. We look towards role models and attempt to emulate them, but we don’t always succeed. Here are some of my personal role models (taken from spaceship crews, obvs) and I’ve chosen who I wish to be, and who I really am:

CREW: Firefly Class Ship: Serenity
I WISH I WAS: Inara. Because let’s face it, she’s pretty much a prostitute. Okay fine, more like a Geisha, but she still gets to have sex with loads of people, and still be hugely respected. I mean come on, they even send her to school to learn the art of her job! My job only sends me to classes to work on my communications skills. Making eye contact during a presentation isn’t nearly as much fun to learn as, well, you can use your imagination.
BUT I REALLY AM: Kaylee. I have a tendency to pine after people who don’t have the faintest idea that they are the love of my life. Plus she’s adorable. What? I can be adorable!

CREW: Starship U.S.S. Enterprise and the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise A
I WISH I WAS: Bones. If I could be half the man that Bones is when I’m his age, I’ll be the happiest man on Earth. I’m still waiting for someone to buy me an “I Love Bones” T-shirt (size medium!). That is not something someone can buy for themselves. It must be a gift. And I must wear it to Fire Island.
BUT I REALLY AM: Scotty. I have a stronger relationship with the Engine of the Enterprise than I do with any actual real-life person. And by “Engine of the Enterprise” I mean “my television set”.

CREW: Starship U.S.S. Enterprise D
I WISH I WAS: Worf. I wish I could instill a bit more fear into people’s lives when they look at me. Plus I think a headcrest would come in really handy sometimes. Besides making me an awsome head-butter (mmmm…butter) I could open a ski resort for ladybugs on my head. How cute would that be? Wee!
BUT I REALLY AM: Data. I’m generally confused most of the time, and usually don’t know what’s going around me, due to my lack of understanding of human nature. But like when Data got the emotion-chip, I can ocassionally come out with a real zinger. Plus I’m definitely more of a cat person. And only slightly more pale.

CREW: Millennium Falcon
I WISH I WAS: Who doesn’t want to be Han Solo? Luke Skywalker may have been the main character, but Han Solo was a bajillion times cooler. Han Solo doesn’t need permission to go to Toshi Station. Toshi Station needs permission to go to Han Solo.
BUT I REALLY AM: Not too many options left. It’s actually quite a small crew when they’re not taking whiny, fledgling Jedi onboard. But my legs are vaguely wookie-like, and I enjoy doing a really bad wookie impression, which makes me sound like I belong in a mental institution. Airryayrryiriaarrraa.

CREW: Battlestar Galactica
I WISH I WAS: Kara “Starbuck” Thrace obviously! She is the badassingest badass who ever badassed. On the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack, there’s even a song titled “Starbuck Takes On All Eight”. That’s the kinda person I want to be. Wait, did I just admit to having the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack?
BUT I REALLY AM: Oh how I wish I could say Billy. But technically he’s not really part of the crew, so I’ll go with Gaeta. He’s in the background, he’s quiet, he keeps to himself, but always reliable. Plus, in a world where people are constantly putting their lives on the line in battle, his sole responsibility is to ocassionally yell out: “We have DRADIS contact!” I definitely think I can handle that.

I encourage other bloggers to go through the same exercise. Consider yourself tagged.

I’m currently having a spending problem. No, it’s not on clothes. I hate shopping for clothes and I generally wear the same five shirts all the time. No, it’s not from too much partying. No explanation necessary there.

It’s from DVDs.

It’s bad. It’s come to the point where, if I want it, I buy it for myself. I buy it with the notion of: “I worked hard. I deserve this!” I even buy stuff I’ve never seen before. I just read reviews, and grow desperate to have these things in my life. Filling a void? Perhaps.

First came Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law. I had seen several episodes on Adult Swim and loved them. So I bought seasons 1 and 2. The one where the Jetsons come back from the future to sue civilization because of Global Warming is nothing short of genius. I watched halfway through season 1 before getting distracted by…

Reno 911. As before, I’d seen a few episodes on Comedy Central and became immediately infatuated. So I requested and received Seasons 1-3 for Christmas. Nothing makes me happier than seeing Deputy Trudy Wiegel on my television screen. Seriously, she is the best. I made it all the way through Season 1 and into Season 2 before I turned to…

Alias. A show where I had only previously watched Season 4 (and loved). I bought the whole series. I was going through them well until a few episodes into the second season. Lena Olin is amazing! But even she couldn’t keep me focused. Thats when I bought…

Star Trek: The Original Crew Series. This is the first thing I bought that I actually finished. Incredible. I loved them. I loved Bones. I even loved Star Trek: The Final Frontier. So what was next? I should have gone back and continued with Harvey Birdman, Reno 911, or Alias. But no, I ran into the arms of…

Planet of the Apes. I saw a boxed set with all 5 original movies for super cheap and bought them. I’ve never seen any of them. I’ve only seen the really bad Mark Wahlberg version, which thankfully is not included in the set. I bought them two weeks ago and they’re still sitting by my television unwatched. The reason I haven’t watched Planet of the Apes is because I became aware of my need for…

Robin Hood: the BBC series, which I bought and actually started watching this weekend. It’s ridiculously low budget and cheesy, but also amazingly wonderful. I’ve always loved the Robin Hood story, ever since Kevin Costner graced the screen with his god-awful British accent.

So that’s it. I’m cutting myself off from buying anything new. I don’t care what comes out next. I don’t care if Michael Bay knocks on my door later and offers to sell me the new Transformers movie on DVD, I will turn him away: “Sorry Michael! I’m a changed man! And Armagedon sucked!”. (I’m only saying this because I am confident it will never happen.) Nothing new until I finish what I already have.

On a related note, I also bought this BumbleBee Transformer toy this weekend. Because, you know, I totally deserved it. Oy. I don’t know what’s worse, the money I’m spending, or the fact that it’s all on dorky pleasures. This may explain why I have the void I need filling* in the first place. It all comes full circle.

*Please keep all void-filling jokes to yourself. This is a family establishment.

So I definitely think experimentation is a good thing. I mean, how will you know what you like or don’t like if you don’t experiment right? Well, no, not really. But work with me here.

I have been trying to think of a blog that focuses mainly on user-submitted material. Seeing as though Passive-Aggressive Notes and Post Secret are so amazing, why not try something along those lines?

So I am happy to present Pick Up Your Bag. A blog for readers to submit pictures of lazy twits dragging teeny tiny bags behind them with no regard for the people walking behind them, or any other pictures showing how another person’s laziness makes your life annoying. Perhaps they’re leaning their whole body up against the subway pole so you have nothing to grab hold of, or even crushing your hand underneath them? Or maybe their enormous bag keeps bumping into you every half second? Anything really. The “Pick Up Your Bag” is just an analogy for a whole crapload of annoying stuff that goes on out there.

This will of course have no effect on Puntabulous since the new blog would be solely user-submitted and require little to no effort on my part.

I don’t know if those little bags annoy everyone else as much as they annoy me, but I figured this was worth a shot. Chances are this will fizzle out, but I’ll be curious to see if anyone sends me pictures. Also, no faces will be published, since that’s not very nice. So get those camera phones ready!

So what do you guys think? Worth a shot?