Puntabulous

Loads of people (read: “no one at all”) come to me asking me to be their older, wiser mentor. But I can’t possibly mentor the thousands (read: “zero”) of people who send me requests daily for advice. So instead, I present you with this guide to older, sometimes wiser mentors so you can learn from their experience.

WHO: Gandalf the White: Balrog Ass-kicker extraordinaire.
GOOD ADVICE: “Samwise Gamgee, you useless bastard, go with Frodo!”
BAD ADVICE: “Let’s ask Saruman what to do.”
ADVICE HE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Step away from the ledge after defeating giant fire demons with long whips.”

WHO: Shepherd Book: Resident Man-of-God aboard the Firefly class ship Serenity. Occasional bad ass mother fucker.
GOOD ADVICE: “Maybe we should all keep our options open. You know, in case this doesn’t work out.”
BAD ADVICE: “No, I think constantly switching around Firefly’s timeslots, is a great idea!”
ADVICE HE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Keep Kaylee fully supplied with strawberries because she looks completely adorable when eating them, and even though she’s completely adorable, she’s also kinda slutty and will probably do you.”

WHO: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Jedi Master. Mentor of Anakin and Luke Skywalker.
GOOD ADVICE: “Go to Dagohbah and learn from Grover.”
BAD ADVICE: “Luke, there was something I had to tell you about Leia. Damn, what was it, again?”
ADVICE HE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “People left to die, never die.”

WHO: Merlin: Resident Wizard of Camelot.
GOOD ADVICE: “Arthur, do you mind handing me that sword?”
BAD ADVICE: “Guinevere, Lancelot. Lancelot, Guinevere.”
ADVICE HE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Do not leave young people alone for a minute. They will sleep with their sisters and fuck everything up.”

WHO: Guinan: Bartender of the Starship Enterprise’s lounge Ten Forward.
GOOD ADVICE: “Commmander Ryker, have you ever thought about growing a beard?”
BAD ADVICE: “Data has a brother Lore? Sure, bring him on board! Wait, Data has another brother B-4? Didn’t we do this storyline already? And why doesn’t anyone remember Lore?!”
ADVICE SHE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Stay away from sitcoms and DJ booths.”

WHO: Talking Can of Mixed Vegetables: Possible hallucination of Gene the Camp cook.
GOOD ADVICE: “If you wanna to smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it.”
BAD ADVICE: “I can suck my own dick. And I do it…a lot.” (Okay, that doesn’t really count as bad advice, but I just wanted to say that because it’s an actual quote. Guess you have to see Wet Hot American Summer to understand!)
ADVICE HE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Stay away from can openers.”

WHO: Uncle Ben and Aunt May: Guardians of Peter Parker A.K.A. Spiderman.
GOOD ADVICE: “Go after the cute Russian girl from across the hall!” (Okay, she didn’t really say that, but she should have!)
BAD ADVICE: “I hear there’s a completely contrived, conveniently plot-driven meteor shower tonight. Maybe you want to take Mary Jane to see it?”
ADVICE SHE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Tell your nephew to stop being a whiny bitch.”

WHO: Alfred Pennyworth: Personal man servant for Wayne Manor.
GOOD ADVICE: “Maybe you should bring a strapping young lad under your leathery man wing.”
BAD ADVICE: “Hey Bruce, you know what your batsuit is missing? Nipples!”
ADVICE HE SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Protective armor does not need to be anatomically correct.”