PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPER VILLAIN

So I already taught you how to be a Superhero. Now’s your chance to walk on the wild side. Follow these twelve easy steps, and before you know it, you’ll be well on your way to world domination!

1. LEAD A TRAGIC LIFE:

Since dirty, stinking liberals always seem to have their way (oh, how they make my blood boil!) it seems that these days, we’re supposed to feel bad for evil super villains (Just like the terrorists!). They don’t mean to be so evil. They’ve just lived such terrible lives, so they’re forced to resort to violence and killing. Say it with me now: Awwwww…

2. FREAK ACCIDENT:

Similar to the tragic accident in a superhero’s life, in order to become a super villain you will need to have a freak accident that will turn you into a freakish monster. Unlike the superhero’s tragic accident, your tragic accident must be caused by your own hunger for power. Of course the freak accident won’t kill you! They don’t call them “freak” accidents for nothing! It will only make you stronger! And angrier. And give you thoughts of world domination that you’ve never had before for no apparent reason.

3. WEAR A COSTUME:

Why should superheroes have all the fun? You deserve to be a little flashy too. You’ve earned it! Men: Nothing says “evil genius” like pastels and neons. Women: Want to be taken seriously in the male dominated world of super villains? Try tight leather and kitty cat ears. Purrrrrfect!

4. WATCH YOUR MOUTH:

Sure, you’re evil. Sure, you’re bent on taking over the world. Sure, you have no problem killing millions of harmless creatures who never meant you any harm. But that doesn’t mean you have to talk like an uncivilized barbarian! There could be kids watching! Don’t actually say curses; say “curses!” Other suggestions: “Drats!” “Blast!” Or just shake your fists in anger while crying unusually large tears.

5. HAVE BAD TEETH:

Who needs strong, healthy teeth? Not you! You’d never see Voldemort struggling with a piece of corn-on-the-cob, would you? That’s because the individual kernels of corn are so afraid of him, that they pull themselves free of the cob, and jump down his throat themselves. Also, your minions have killed every dentist in the world at your request since you had bad experiences with them when you were a child, so you’re kinda screwed.

6. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SKANKS:

Why wait the few months it will take for your plans of world domination to come through? Start indulging yourself now! So it might take your eye off the prize slighty, but come on, your plans are fool-proof! What could go wrong?

7. KEEP A STRICT BUDGET:

Always keep in mind: Smart = Expensive; Dumb = Cheap. You may have bajillions of dollars at your disposal, but quality military forces can get expensive. By cutting corners where you can, and using cheap non-unionized military forces, you can save a bundle in the long run. Remember: Skanks don’t come cheap! Start prioritizing!

8. MAKE NO SENSE WHAT-SO-EVER:

If you can’t convince them, confuse them! Remember when the Architect told Neo all about what was going down? And how Neo was the sixth “One” in a series of “Ones”? And us viewers spent the next 6 months before the following Matrix movie trying to decipher what that meant? Well it meant nothing! It had no bearing on the rest of the series! It was all part of the Architect’s plan to confuse and distract us! What an evil genius!

9. THINK BIG:

If history has taught us one thing, it is that empires are fun, and easy to maintain. Why should you be happy with enough money to live ridiculously wealthy for the rest of your life? If every person on every distant world isn’t under your control, you’re pretty much a failure. Just imagine how much better your life will be knowing that Joe Shmoe on a planet 3,849 lightyears away has to use a postage stamp with your face on it. It’s a beautiful thing.

10. THE MORE COMPLEX THE BETTER:

But maybe you don’t want world domination? Maybe you would be happy with buckets and buckets of money. How should you get said money? Use your unlimited resources to rig the stock market? Or rob a Las Vegas casino? Nah! Steal some strange, difficult to control alien technology to create your own continent, flood the rest of the world, and then sell pieces of your continent to the public at outrageous prices! What do you mean, you and your five dumb goons won’t be able to hold off the rest of the world as they come pouring by the millions onto your new continent? Of course it will work! Quit being such a nervous Nellie!

11. LOSE ALL SENSE OF REASON:

Always remember that the “what” is always more important than the “why”. Sure everyone knows that Sylar wanted to blow up New York. But does anyone know why? Think about it. What would he have gained by going through all the trouble of stealing everyone’s powers (except Claire’s, which he definitely would have needed after the bomb went off) and then blowing up New York? So you see, you can go through all the rationalization you want in your head beforehand. But if no one remembers it, what’s the point? So don’t even bother. Go nuts!

12. BE HANDS OFF:

So everything is set. The wheels are in motion. Nothing can stop you now! You are the most powerful force the galaxy has ever seen. Your powers can flatten armies of thousands in mere seconds. But! You can’t be expected to get your hands dirty, can you? Leave everything up to your minions! Or chance. Whichever.

Previously: PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHERO!