It’s only a matter of time before evil space aliens come and take over our planet. I mean, really, we’re pretty screwed when the aliens show up and start busting ass. If they manage to get here, chances are their technology will wipe the floor with us. Our technology sucks. We couldn’t even run away if we wanted to. Where would we hide? The moon? Yeah, they’ll never find us there. So here is a simple guide to helping you survive that inevitable day:
LEARN TRICKS:
Chances are when the evil alien overlords are looking for human pets to entertain them at their evil alien dinner parties, and they have to decide between you and the guy that can juggle flaming bowling pins, they’re gonna take the guy who can juggle flaming bowling pins. And while living a life of servitude as a creature of entertainment may not be the best way to live, it’s better than your other options. Don’t worry, you can still come to the dinner party. AS THE MEAL!
BE THE MAIN CHARACTER:
This one is a bit harder to pull off, because you never know who’s movie you’re in. So you’ll need to involve yourself in everything that is going on around you. Don’t let people have conversations without you. And under no circumstances should you be the black guy. Or the funny sidekick. So basically, you need to be white, unfunny, and constantly interrupting other peoples’ conversations.
DON’T BE PREGNANT:
Don’t you just love veal? The yummy tenderness of young, immobile cow babies. I get hungry just thinking about it! Well what do you think the human fetus is? It’s a baby, it’s kept immobile, it’s practically like human veal! Evil space aliens will find that delectable morsel of bite-size human veal hard to resist also. So basically, never get pregnant, ever. Because evil space aliens would want to eat your unborn baby should they ever invade. And to get to your baby, they’d probably have to kill you too.
THINK SIMPLE:
When dealing with evil aliens who’s technology is lightyears ahead of our own, it is best to think simple. They may be able to speak telepathically, and level cities without straining a single green muscle in their tiny svelte bodies, but they are susceptible to all manner of viruses, computer or otherwise. Even a common cold can bring down entire armies of would-be evil alien overlords! And bless their simple-minded hearts, all alien societies are connected through a single network, so if one gets sick, they all get sick! Brilliant! Brilliant of us, not of them. Okay, not even that brilliant of us either.
