Jul
10
There’s two reasons why I’m showing you the below picture:
1) So you can tell me how handsome I look in a suit. (You look so handsome in a suit! Thanks Mom!)
2) To open a discussion about being the youngest child.
As you may already know, I’m the youngest child in my family. Everyone always says that the youngest child is the spoiled one, but that is just crazy. I mean, yes, I am my parents’ favorite, and yes, me and my Mom may reenact the Baby Mine scene from Dumbo every night before I go to bed, and yes there is the occasional mention of a larger cut of the inheritance, but the idea that I’m spoiled is absolutely ridiculous.
Case in point: Look at that picture. Really look at that picture. Look past my boyish good looks, my sparkling white teeth, my perfectly messy/stylish hair, and that indescribable X-factor that just lets you know I’m amazing in bed. Can you see it now? If you’re asking yourself, “Where the fuck is Craig sitting?” than yes, you see it. Because really, where the fuck am I sitting in that picture?
We’re in my Dad’s minivan heading to my cousin’s wedding. And since we’re all good old-fashioned Irish Catholics, we wanted to all cram into one car so we’d only need one designated driver. (Sorry Dad, that would be you!) The minivan seats 7, and there were 8 of us. So who gets stuck in the non-seat, crammed in the middle of the four comfy bucket seats? That would be me! And why? Because I’m the youngest.
I may be an adult now. I may be the tallest in the family. I may be so gorgeous it brings a tear to your eye. But I’m still the youngest. And being the youngest means you get the crappy non-seat.
What else does being the youngest get you, you ask?
1. It means you’re at the end of the line, so you don’t get to pass chores such as mowing the lawn onto a younger sibling. Okay fine, by the time it got to me we were able to hire a lawn service, but that’s besides the point! I still had a good year or so of solid lawn-mowing!
2. You’re the first one offered the mixing spoon after Mom’s done baking a cake. There’s raw egg in there! It could be dangerous! Is there no regard for my well-being?!
3. You’re parents have mellowed out in their old age, so you don’t have the strict boundaries that your older siblings had. Man, I can’t even think of a funny way to spin this into a negative thing.
In conclusion, us youngest children aren’t as spoiled as we may seem. Studies suggest that 73% of all youngest children die prematurely of salmonella poisoning due to cake batter. The fact that I survived this long is a testament to my amazingness. So I don’t want to hear anything about us youngest children being spoiled anymore.
But on second thought, at least I didn’t have to be the designated driver.
July 10th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Do you still sit at the kiddie table at Thanksgiving?
July 10th, 2007 at 11:38 am
Wow you really are handsome in a suit. And as the youngest, I attest to everything you say.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Your a regular Cindy Brady…I mean Bobby…haha
July 10th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Exactly! And the 27% who don’t die from salmonella poisoning are killed from being the non-seat passenger. Who is expendable enough to ride without the protection of a seat belt or air bag? Who wouldn’t they mind flying through the windshield if there is a sudden stop? The youngest. If we are so spoiled we’d get the best seat in the car and they’d wrap us in bubble wrap for extra measure.
July 10th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Youngest of three here. My brothers are 13 and 14 years older than I am. Everything you say is very true. Mom loves me best
July 10th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
As an only child, and the only grand-child on one side, I can assure you that i am indeed spoiled rotten. And proud to be so.
…although I don’t look anywhere NEAR as good in a suit at you….
Frankly, though, I’m more curious to see how good look under the suit.
just sayin…
HUGS…
July 10th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Count yourself lucky! Being the eldest (as I am) is hard graft! Always taking the blame as one should know better being the eldest, having to be responsible and grown up, looking after the others, etc!
PS Liking the suited look!
July 11th, 2007 at 4:12 am
AMEN Craig–It’s not so easy being the one that got everything he wanted. (Sister and brother are 12 and 14 years older) I do however have an answer to your dilemma on number 3…
3. You’re parents have mellowed out in their old age, so you don’t have the strict boundaries that your older siblings had. Meaning you made worse mistakes than they did and you had to fix them yourself, because mom and dad were too busying being mellow.
(Oh why did I decide to pay for a private school education on my own, damn you Stafford Loans!)
I like with or without suit, just so you know
July 11th, 2007 at 6:55 am
You look great in a suit.
And here’s number 3:
.. you don’t have the strict boundaries that your older siblings had… you were allowed to play in traffic and eat room-temperature potato salad.
July 12th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
The suit, no suit, its all good. You look amazing no matter what!
July 17th, 2007 at 4:19 am
wow Craig, you should find reasons to wear the suit more often. I wish I was Natalie Portman sometimes because of you.