Puntabulous

PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO YOUR MORONIC EXISTENCE

Let’s face it, you’re a moron. Almost every decision you make is wrong. For Example: You put on a sock this morning, you saw there was a hole in the toes, and you were like “Should I change it?” and then you were like “No, who’s gonna see it?” and then later that day, before you know it, you’re at a friend’s house who just got new carpets and you need to take off your shoes, and everyone can see the hole in your sock.

Loser!

Here’s a rundown of you and your moronic existence:

First thing’s first: You’re an accident.
Do you really think people mean to have babies these days? And since you are an accident, it means that when you were conceived someone said: “Woops! I accidentally splooged in your vagina!” Which is pretty moronic if you ask me. So these are the genes that are passed unto you. Off to a terrible start!

Your first moronic decision: Leaving the womb.
Seriously. What were you thinking? You’re wrapped in warm, gooey, wonderfulness! You’re fed automatically through your belly button! Kinda gross, but still cool! And your only responsibility is to kick and stretch a few times and the people around you practically have a ticker tape parade in your honor. Why would anyone want to leave this place? I don’t know, but you did!

Maybe school will help: Nope! Still a moron!
School teaches you the horrors of smoking, and you’re all like: “Oh my god! Smoking is so cool! Don’t I look cool while I smoke? Cough! Cough! Hhaaack! Hhaaack! Want to make out now?” And we’re all like: “Hells yeah! We like em bad!” Because school didn’t help us not be morons either.

The reason you’re still single: You’re a moron!
Why else would you be single? You make terrible choices. You pass up perfectly good people in favor of idiots who want nothing to do with you. Oh, and bringing up Battlestar Galactica on the first date isn’t helping matters either. You do it in the hopes that the other person will be like: “Oh my god! I love Battlestar Galactica too!” But it never happens. Give it up you stupid moron.

How you got married: You’re a moron!
If you do manage to stumble into wedded bliss, it’s only bliss because you’re too much of a stupid moron to realize that the person you’re married to doesn’t really love you. They only married you for one of two reasons 1) You’re an easy lay and they were forced into purchasing you to save your “honor” or 2) Beard.

Are you serious: You want one of those?!
You’re all like: “Woops! The condom broke!” or “Woops! I forgot to put one on!” or “So that’s where babies come from?!” or “I thought guys were the ones that take the pill!” And the cycle starts all over again.

GUIDES | Craig | August 16, 2007 11:08 pm

8 Comments

By Colleen, August 17, 2007 @ 8:24 am

Your rendition of the circle of life almosts bring a tear to my eye. Almost.
By Howard, August 17, 2007 @ 8:30 am

::sputter:: Yeah, well, you’re like a stupid dum-dum pumpkin-headed fart-faced Fanagan, too!

MOOOOMIieeeee……
By Jimmay, August 17, 2007 @ 8:30 am

I believe this is geared more towards the “hetero” way of life, correct? haha
By Polt, August 17, 2007 @ 9:15 am

Aw, Craiggers, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Just cause this is the way you see your life turning out doesn’t mean it HAS to be that way.

“accidentally splooged in your vagina” – God I HATE when that happens.

HUGS…
By Ryan J., August 17, 2007 @ 12:58 pm

*volunteers to be a perfectly good person that you don’t pass up*
By Miss P, August 20, 2007 @ 12:58 am

Oh, Craig; did something happen that you felt obligated to tell such obvious things in the funniest of ways?!

Thanks for explaining why my vagina is such a powerful and potentially hazardous weapon to the world.
Luvs.
By ChickyMama, August 20, 2007 @ 11:10 am

So that’s what the Cirlce of Life has been reduced to – accidental splooging? I think I might have to bring this up in my next nursing class. MJ’s gonna love this!

I’m so lucky to be related to you!