Congratulations! You’ve just taken over the world! What do you do now? I’ll tell you what you do, you hire evil minions to do your bidding. But how do you choose which minions are right for you? That’s where I come in. I’m here to help you choose which minions fit more with your evil lifestyle. To do so I will compare and contrast the two most popular minions in pop culture history:
STORMTROOPERS OF STAR WARS VERSUS URUK-HAI OF LORD OF THE RINGS
While the Clonetroopers of the Prequel Era Star Wars were much more competent, I’ve chosen the Empire Era Stormtroopers because they are evil ones, and since you are evil, your minions should be as well. I’ve chosen the Uruk-hai over regular Orcs because the Uruk-hai are the superior of the two, after all, there were bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men.
THE BIRTH OF A MINION
Stormtroopers: First came the Clonetroopers. They were direct clones of Jango Fett: bounty hunter extraordinaire. They lead a massive defeat on Geonosis (worst name of a Star Wars planet ever). Under Emperor Palpatine’s Order 66, they obliterated the Jedi population. And then they began sucking.
Uruk-Hai: Let’s face it, Orcs are pretty useless. They cant go out in sunlight. They scare easily. And they’re butt ugly. So Saruman took it upon himself to create a stronger breed of Orc, the Uruk-Hai (out of mud I think, that part is very clear). They’re bigger, badder, and can go out in sunlight. Bless their wicked hearts, they’re still not much more successful than regular Orcs. Also still butt ugly.
WINNER: Stormtroopers
WEAPONRY:
Stormtrooper: Blaster Rifle. Note to Stormtroopers: If a Jedi deflects everything you shoot at him back in your direction, stop shooting!
Uruk-Hai: Sword. Imagine if Uruk-Hai had blaster rifles. Now that’s a movie I’d like to see! No, Battlefield Earth doesn’t count!
WINNER: Stormtroopers
ARMOR:
Stormtroopers: Full body armor: susceptible to blaster fire. Trash compactor: magnetically sealed: shit just bounces right off.
Uruk-Hai: Full body armor: no protection under the arms. Arrows to the armpit suddenly rendered deadly.
WINNER: Uruk-Hai
STRENGTHS:
Stormtroopers: No one ever takes bets to see who can kill the most Stormtroopers.
Uruk-Hai: No one ever says: “Aren’t you a little short for an Uruk-Hai?”
WINNER: Uruk-Hai
WEAKNESSES:
Stormtroopers: Jedi mind tricks, targets, rocks thrown by pint-sized teddy bears.
Uruk-Hai: Achilles armpits, easily knock-overable ladders, rocks thrown by pint-sized people.
WINNER: There is no winner. That’s kinda the point of a weakness.
IN CONCLUSION:
Both Stormtroopers and Uruk-Hai suck enormously, so you should use the Puddy Patrol instead.
See all three in action after the jump:
Stormtroopers:
Uruk-Hai:
Puddy Patrol:
The Green Ranger… ::swoons:: Totally my first guy-crush.
And Mom thought I watched because I liked karate…
I think you’ll whole premise is flawed. Just because I take over the world, it doesn’t make me evil. I’ll still be the same Polt, the Rural-Dweller you’ve always known. Really.
HUGS…
No dictator or supreme overlord thinks there are evil just doing what they think is right.
C’mon, the Uruk-hai would kick the Stormtroppers’ butts! If the Troppers can’t hit three humans, a wookie or two robots, they will certainly miss hitting any of the the Uruk-hai who will massacre them in hand-to-hand combat.
At least that’s what happens in my fantasy world.
Hmm…what about their leaders? I mean, once the stormtroopers and Uruk-Hai massacred each other, who do you think would win? The Emperor or Sauruman?