So I put out a call for Guest Debaters, and Polt of Polt’s Palace answered that call! In today’s Guest Debate, we try and decide which sucks more, living in a Rural area, or living in an Urban area!
Polt: Rural life, Craiggers, sucks, and I ought to know. I’ve lived all my nearly 40 years in the same town of 9,000 people. Why does rural life suck? Let’s start with shopping. You want to buy something in rural America, you can choose from Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, oh, and lest I forget, Wal-Mart. High quality there, my friend!
Craig: Lest? Who the hell uses the word lest? Oh this is going to be too easy! City living sucks approximately three times as much ass as rural living. Yes, let’s start with shopping. “I want to go shopping! Let me go to one of those trendy boutiques that are so much cooler than Wal-Mart! Oh wait! I have no spending money because my rent is so damn expensive! No shopping for me!”
Polt: Rent? Rent as in an apartment? Oh that would be nice having people near you. Here in the country we live out in the woods, where it takes a compass to find your way to your mailbox. And you better bring along some snacks, cause if not, you’re liable to starve on the arduous trek to get the bills. And on your way, you get to smell the lovely odors wafting over from the farm next door. Nothing like sucking in the sulfurous smell of pig and cow manure whilst on your hours long trek to get the weekly newspaper from the box!
Craig: Um. Because the city is so well known for it’s glamorous urban smells? I don’t think so! And what’s so good about having people around? That trumpet player who lived above me was a blast! Literally! Oh, but he wouldn’t play after 10. Wasn’t that nice of him? You know, because trumpet playing is only annoying after 10. Now multiply that by EIGHT MILLION!!!!
Polt: Funny you should bring up music! Cause out here, all we’ve got is country music. Twanging, my- wife- left- me- and- my- dog- died- and- the- truck- needs- new- tires- and- I’m- outta- beer- money country music. In the city, you want music, you have the symphony, or opera, or all kinds of cultural enrichment. Here, the only culture we’ve got is yogurt and whatever that green stuff is growing in the old bathtub on the back porch. For entertainment, we have watching the grass grow, talking about which of the high school girls has the most teeth (cause you know she’ll be the Homecoming queen), NASCAR and shooting empty beer bottles off tree stumps at 100 yards. Yee-HAW!
Craig: Um, I don’t know what kind of dorks you hang out with but I am NOT going to the opera. Snooze-a-rama! At least you have grass! If we want to go see grass, we have to trek all the way to Central Park! Oh wait! The subways aren’t running this weekend! And I can’t have a car, because only crazy people bring their cars into the city! So I guess I’m stuck in my apartment! Hmmm, let’s see what’s on TV. Reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard! Woo! Living in the country looks like so much fun!
Polt: The Dukes of Hazzard, ah yes, now you’re onto another great thing about the country: fashion! Daisy Dukes, there’s some elegant apparel, something that we gay men can appreciate…as long as a cute guy is wearing them. And let’s not forget Uncle Jessie, an old fat man in bib overalls. Bib overalls, flannel shirts, belt buckles the size of Rhode Island and cowboy boots (even worn to weddings), quite the fashion plate eh? And let’s not forget, being thusly attired, one MUST have a glob of chewing tobacco in one’s cheek. There’s nothing like seeing a man with honking huge bulge in his cheek spit out wad of black snuff/saliva that could drown a large dog.
Craig: I think you’re missing the best part of being surrounded by a bunch of poorly dressed hicks! It just makes you look that much better in comparison! As long as the top and bottom of your Champion brand jogging suit matches, you’re already ahead of the pack! In the city you’re surrounded by flocks of immaculate metrosexuals, which is bad for two reasons: 1) You can’t tell the straight ones from the gay ones and 2) They make you look like crap in comparison! Two metrosexual eyebrows equals one Craig eyebrow. It’s terrible!
Polt: One eyebrow, two eyebrows, whatever. I got two words to show you why urban life is better: Indoor and Plumbing. Outhouses, what a marvelous invention, especially in the middle of January at 3:00 in the morning when your stomach’s rumbling from last night’s meal like a 67 Chevy without a muffler. Nuff said.
Craig: Please. Don’t even try to tell me there’s still outhouses where you’re from. I don’t believe you. You live in a rural area, not a fourth world area! You want bad plumbing? Try showering in the morning when the rest of your apartment building is showering at the same time. Drip. Drip. Drip. What’s that? Oh that’s just Craig trying to get the soap out of his eyes!
Polt: Ooo, an actual standup shower! How much sweeter would that be than sitting in a metal tub filled with tepid water, soap suds and your own filth, dumping steaming water from a pitcher onto yourself to wash off! And look, just because I don’t happen to use a tub or an outhouse doesn’t mean they don’t exist out here. And they, along with all the other factors I pointed out above, make it obvious that rural life is worse than urban life. I would think that would be obvious even to you, you broke, apartment-dwelling, no car driving, uni-browed, drip-drying city-boy you!
Craig: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let’s get one thing straight before we end this debate and declare me the winner. I have two eyebrows! They may be enormous! They may put Peter Gallagher’s to shame. They may be a lot of things. But there are two of them. TWO! Alright. In conclusion: living in the city sucks. Mass transit never works. Half your salary pays for your crappy apartment. And the suckiest part about living in the city, you ask? Everyone else in the city loves it. The city is their baby. And you’re the lone asshole who thinks their baby is ugly.
So who do you guys think won?
Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!
