Puntabulous

The next person to participate in my ass-whoopings… I mean Guest Debates is Jester who writes the fantastic blog Jestertunes. In today’s whoo… debate, we try and decide which is better, dogs or cats. Jester is on Team Dog, I am on Team Cat.

Jester: I can not believe that you think cats are better than dogs. What kind of Wal-Mart brand discount crack are you smoking? I have two words for you, “undying loyalty”. Haven’t you ever seen that episode of Futurama where Frye’s dog sits and waits on the sidewalk for a thousand years?

Craig: Yeah, I’ve seen that episode. And you know what I think? I think it’s pathetic. Come on dog! Get a life! Dogs are all like “Love me! Pet me! Coddle me!” What losers! You would never see cats lowering themselves to that level. Cats have more respect for themselves than that. If they want to be loved, they’ll come to me. If not, they’ll do their own thing and leave me the hell alone.

Jester: Sure cats have respect for themselves, and NO respect for others whatsoever! They feel entitled to sleep all day, meow all night, drop nasty frothy hairballs all over the place, kick litter halfway across the room… and I swear they secretly plot to kill their owners in their sleep. If I wanted that kind of treatment, I’d get back together with my Ex! Dogs, on the other hand want nothing more than to make their owners happy! “Let me guard the back yard!” “Let me scare away the creepy mailman!” “Let me keep your feet warm!”

Craig: Let’s see…When you say they want to “Guard the back yard” I hear “Bark all day and be annoying”. When you say they want to “Scare away the creepy mailman” I hear “Torture a poor old soul and be annoying”. When you say they want to “Keep my feet warm” I think “Ouch! You bastard! What are you doing on my feet?!” Cats deserve to sleep all day since being so damn cool is exhausting! I should know! I require, like, zero sleep! And that frothy hairball you find so disgusting? It was a present you ungrateful bastard!

Jester: Remind me to get off your Christmas list! Look, every cat I have ever met has had mental problems. Seriously! One minute they want attention and rub all over your lap; the next they become screaming balls of teeth and claws. In. Your. Lap. Dogs just want to lick you while you pet them. That’s not entirely unpleasant, in fact, some people pay big money for that. Have you ever been licked by a cat, Craig? It’s like a tuna-scented sandpaper body scrub!

Craig: You know what a screaming ball of teeth and claws is good for? Guarding your house! Burglars can easily distract dogs with tasty treats, but cat’s aren’t as easily fooled, because they aren’t stupid! One morning I woke up to a dead burglar in my living room. I looked over at my dog who was eating a bone, and then looked at my cat who just looked back at me with a glimmer in her eyes and gave me a thumbs up. True story.

Jester: Oh please, my cats greet every visitor as if he is wearing catnip and salmon pants. You didn’t mention what kind of bone your dog was eating… I’ll wager a guess that it was one of the burglar’s vertebra. Your cat was merely acknowledging the greatness of the mighty dog who protected you both. Let me ask you something… when’s the last time your cat came up to you with a leash and a ball in her mouth begging you to get off the computer and go outside to play?

Craig: First off, cat’s don’t have leashes because they are too cool for that. Why do dogs need leashes? If dogs love you so much, why do you need to tether them to you?! Because they are too stupid to know that they shouldn’t run away, or attack local school children, or poop in the neighbor’s garden. Which brings me to another awesome thing about cats: They clean up after themselves! They’re practically toilet trained! Have you ever heard anyone complain because they stepped in cat poop? Nope!

Jester: Dogs need leashes to keep them from spreading their love and joie de vivre to every single person they meet along the way. Seriously, if my dogs weren’t leashed when we’re out for a walk, we’d have 8 hour leg humping and heavy petting sessions with all the neighbors. And you KNOW I get tired after the first hour! And since you brought it up, I don’t think there is a chemical on earth that comes close to being as toxic as cat pee. God help you if your cat starts using an area in your house (like the top of the refrigerator!?!) that you don’t notice for a day a two. It makes your eyes burn, your face melt, and I’m pretty sure it’s a leading cause of the “great hair migration” from your head to your shoulders.

Craig: Um, if by “spreading their love” you mean “spreading their seed and leaving wet spots on my leg” than yes, you are correct. And do you live in some sort of bizarro world where dogs humping your legs aren’t considered annoying and disgusting? Because last I checked, it’s not a pleasurable experience! Unless you’re into bestiality, which if that’s the case, your arguments in this debate should be considered a conflict of interest and thrown out the figurative window.

Jester: Just how long do you allow a dog to hump your leg that he leaves wet spots? Hello, Pot, it’s Kettle calling! While I will admit to having dated some “dogs” in the past, they were always the human variety. They were just as inclined to hump the neighbor’s leg, however. Dogs don’t really need me sticking up for them in this debate; just look at all the famous dogs out there: Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Eddie (from Frasier), Benji, Marmaduke, Snoopy, Odie, Shithead (from The Jerk), Pluto, Astro, Scooby Doo, Brian Griffin… this list could go on and on. Compare that to the cats: Heathcliff, Morris, and Garfield. Oh, and that cat that mauled Roy Horn.

Craig: Hmmm, let me introduce you to some cats I know: Lion-O, Jaga, Tygra, Panthro, and Cheetara. You would have been Mumm-Ra’s bitch by now if they weren’t out there protecting your ass. What good is the love and affection of a dog if they can’t protect you from evil intergalactic forces? Sure, dogs may be a man’s best friend. But what if the man is evil? Bam! Evil dog. Dog’s are too stupid to know the difference between good and evil. You can train them however you want! They have no minds of their own! “Here Fido! Take this nuclear weapon and bury it in the neighboring country. Good boy!”

Jester: Wait a second… I thought this debate was about which was better, cats or dogs, not who was a bigger geek (you will obviously win that argument!). I would never count on a dog or a cat to save me from intergalactic forces; I have my trusty tin foil hat for that. I think I win this debate based solely on your concession that an evil man with a dog makes the dog evil, which conversely must also mean that a good man will have a good dog. Everyone knows that all cats are evil no matter what kind of owner they have.

Craig: Cat’s aren’t evil. They are cool. There’s a big difference. Like those kids that used to put me in a headlock everyday in junior high. They weren’t evil. They were cool. I can see how the difference may be difficult for the untrained eye to detect, but there is definitely a difference. In conclusion, dogs require too much attention. I am far too self serving to be responsible from something that requires that much attention. That’s why I like cats. And babies.

So who do you guys think won?

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!