Puntabulous

So I posted about my favorite Madonna song the other day and asked people to e-mail me with their favorite Madonna song, and if it was different than mine, we would debate over the title of Best! Madonna! Song! So I got an e-mail from Miss Britt who writes the hysterical blog Miss Britt and shocker, she didn’t have the same favorite Madonna song as me! Blasphemy! So here we are, to settle this matter once and for all:

Miss Britt: Clearly, Madonna’s best song is Like A Virgin. I mean, you think Madonna, you think “I don’t care how much Henna that woman paints on herself now, that girl’s no virgin!”, which inevitably leads you to start writhing to Like A Virgin - HEE! Not that a song being synonymous with the artist name necessarily makes it their best song. Unless you’re talking about Madonna, and Like A Virgin.

Craig: Wow. Everyone knows Madonna’s best song is Like a Prayer. I mean, you have heard it right? You can’t possibly listen to that song and not immediately start (as the kids say) busting moves. You know what happens when I try dancing to Like a Virgin? I start writhing awkwardly. Yes, that’s right. Two words that should never be paired together in a million years. Writhing. Awkwardly. It’s completely undanceable!

Miss Britt: You bust a move to Like A Prayer? Do you also get down when the church bells go off on Sunday? And get jiggy with the latest release from The Siberian Buddhist Monks*? Let me concede, dear Craig, that Like A Prayer is in fact a great song, and definitely one of Madonna’s better efforts. The message behind that song is impressive and the video was groundbreaking. But the best? You wanna bust a move, sing this out loud and I DARE you not to impersonate chest palpitations: “When your heart beats… next to miiiiiiiiiine… wohahahoh”

*To my knowledge, this group does not actually exist, nor have “releases”. But they could. And you’d be dancing to them.

Craig: AH HA! You have revealed your fatal (not really) debating flaw! Reason! You are admitting that Like a Prayer is a great song. I will concede no such thing when it comes to Like a Virgin! I will make bold and unreasonable claims such as wanting to wipe my ass with Like a Virgin! That I wouldn’t listen to Like a Virgin if it were the last song on Earth! You want another bold and unreasonable claim? Madonna pretending to be a virgin! To compare her with the biblical Madonna is blasphemy! What should you do to repent? Pray! Like a Prayer!

Miss Britt: It’s obviously time to pull out my Debating Secret Weapon: clearly, you’re retarded. And are incapable of grasping the intricate message behind Like A Virgin. She’s not pretending to BE a virgin. In fact, she’s talking about that feeling you get when you’re not… REALLY not. Where you’re beat, incomplete, you’ve been had, and you’re sad and blue… and THEN someone comes along and makes you feel shiny and new. Oh. Wait. I see. THAT’s your problem with it. You’re one of those “don’t want tarnished goods” kind of guys, eh? Well. I’m sorry. I should restate my argument to say that for those of us who understand history and mistakes and can’t be freaking PERFECT, Madonna’s Like a Virgin is obviously her best song.

Craig: Awww! That’s really good of you to admit that I’m perfect! I guess that means all my musical preferences are perfect also, no? And who wants to feel like a virgin when they’re having sex? Does that mean the sex lasts for 5 seconds and ends with me apologizing profusely? I mean, not ME apologizing profusely. I mean, hypothetically. You know, if I wasn’t like naturally amazing in bed. You see, Like a Virgin is all about making Madonna feel good, but Like a Prayer is all about pleasing the other person. “I’m down on my knees, I want to take you there!” See? This song is all about giving! CoughHeadCough.

Miss Britt: Oh. God. Craig’s painfully awkward sexual experiences. Quick! New mental image!!! Speaking of mental images… you hear Like A Prayer and instantly imagine the crying statue and really sad black guy from the video. And that weird ass chamber music or whatever it was going on in the beginning. Like A Prayer should have given us a sign that Madonna was eventually going to go all airy fairy “I feel things deeply” on us down the road. And let’s be honest, none of us likes Madonna with straight hair and henna. It shows off The Gap. But Like A Virgin? You hear Like a Virgin and you see Fun Madonna. Cool Madonna. Makeup and beads and lace and smile and pop punk good times Madonna. When Madonna is inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (omg i am so old), guaranteed it will be in front of a picture of her in all her Like A Virgin glory.

Craig: Look, I think we can both agree that straight hair henna Madonna is the worst. And by all means you can fit a Banana Republic in that Gap of her’s. But let’s talk about the videos for a moment. In the Like a Virgin video she gets it on with some weird man lion hybrid. Seriously! Have you SEEN the video lately? Like, what? Is this song condoning bestiality? I just don’t get it. But wait! Who does she get it on with in the Like a Prayer video? Black Jesus. That’s right. And if you don’t respect that, you’re either a racist or a heathen. Take your pick.

Miss Britt: I have to admit, I did not remember any kind of bestiality (although I clearly remember Madonna’s victimization of the lovely and sacred Black Jesus, ferSHAME!). So I YouTubed both videos. And I will admit that the last few seconds of Like A Virgin contained way more references to an animalesque lover than any one video clip should ever have. While perusing YouTube Madonna videos, I also enjoyed Like A Prayer (she was a cute brunette) and Weird Al’s Like A Surgeon. Remember that? When Like A Virgin got so big that good ol’ Al decided to capitolize on it’s awesomeness with a hilarious parody? You know what I couldn’t find though… Weird Al’s parody of Like A Prayer. Crazy.

Craig: Maybe Weird Al didn’t make a parody of Like a Prayer because it’s so totally awesome and unmakefunable. (Yes, that’s a word!) And since when did variables consisting of Weird Al parodies become valid arguments when debating? That’s like saying guys with long hair are hotter than guys with short hair because Weird Al has long hair! Which we all know is completely wrong because guys with short hair are way hotter! Now look what you’ve done! I’m completely off topic! I assume this was all part of your plan to bring me down. Just like the religious right tried to bring Madonna down for her Like a Prayer video. That’s another reason why Like a Prayer is the best Madonna song. Because it reminds me of myself!

Miss Britt: Um, Craig? Let’s try to focus. I will concede that Like A Prayer is a great Madonna song (duh) - and even go so far as to say it’s ONE of my favorites. But it’s obvious that Like A Virgin is the quintessential Madonna song. It’s a perfect example of how you can take something pure (like virginity) and turn it into something slutty. And everyone knows THAT is what Madonna is about. That’s what made Madonna so cool back in the day - she made you want to touch yourself seductively in the check out line, just to see the cashier blush. Like A Prayer makes you think - which, okay, was a big step for Madonna. But Like A Virgin makes you dance, and sing along, and want to be a very, very bad girl…

Craig: Hmm, you want to take something pure and turn into something slutty? How about praying? Praying is pure, right? Let’s try making that slutty! Oh wait! Madonna already did! Listening to Like a Prayer is like praying for sex! If that doesn’t send you straight to hell, nothing will! (Although masturbating in a check out line isn’t exactly the yellow brick road to heaven.) In conclusion, what is the most cliche thing you could yell out mid-orgasm? That’s right: “Oh God! Oh God!” It’s like sex and prayer at the same time. It’s the essence of Like a Prayer and the pinnacle of Madonna’s awesomeness.

So who do you guys think won? I mean, clearly her pictures kick my pictures’ asses. But who won the debate?

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!