It’s ready to blow!

That’s what he said.

I’ll admit it, I’m a pimple popper. The minute those suckers get heads, I’m using my little pincers of death (read: fingernails) to annihilate them. CLICK: SIDENOTE

But what’s worse than standing in front of your bathroom mirror trying to pop your pimple before rushing out your front door for work? Standing in front of your work bathroom mirror trying desperately to pop your pimple before anyone walks in on you. Seriously, it’s a race against the clock. Kinda like Supermarket Sweep! Except no one eats anything that comes out of my pimple.

::shudders::

Yeah, that was gross. CLICK: SIDENOTE

But what’s even worse than racing against the clock to pop a pimple in your work bathroom before anyone walks in on you? Having one of those underground pimples that turns a large area of your face red, and no head to pop. For example:

Let’s zoom in on this portion:

Here it is:

No, that’s not a red dwarf. It’s my nose zoomed up really really closely. This is a red dwarf:

Pimple pimple, go away. Come again some other day. Or don’t. That would be better.

CLICK: SIDENOTE

The Aftermath

Is it safe to come out yet?

Holy crap! Did you see all the comments my Guest Debate with Bossy got?! Is that what it’s like to be Bossy everyday? I guess it is, but it’s probably even better when the comments are in your favor. These people were hardcore Bossy fans (like me), so they were all like “Bossy wins! Puntabulous sucks! Eat it assface!” It was kind of scary. Don’t these people know I’m a delicate flower? I need to be handled gently!

Even my own longtime fans were turning to her side! I’m looking at you Polt!

Wait, am I playing the weepy violin that Bossy referred to again? Damn it! Okay, maybe she had a point.

But I love them all anyway, and their statements of Bossy’s awesomeness were not uncalled for. Especially since no one really called me assface. So they’re all on my blogrolll now and I hope they come back.

Speaking of blogrolls, I’m super nice with my blogroll. Seriously! Look how long it is! (That’s what she said.) Everyone who comments on my blog gets put on mine. Why isn’t everyone else just as nice? For example, when I learned who the other contestants in the Gay Bloggies were, I immediately added them all to my blogroll. It’s only fair right? But no, I guess everyone doesn’t feel the same way. Bastards.

Puntabulous Guest Debate

Welcome to another edition of Puntabulous Guest Debates! Bossy of I AM BOSSY fame has stepped up and offered her debating services to my humble little Puntabulous. Holler! Bossy is awesome. Her suggestion for a debate topic? So simple yet so genius…

Chocolate vs. Vanilla. Let the battle begin!

Bossy: Clearly chocolate is the best flavor because chocolate is associated with romance. For instance, what do you give your loved one for Valentine’s Day? A box of chocolates. A box of vanillas? Not so much.

Craig: A wise man once said: “Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah! Love stinks! Yeah! Yeah!” As does romance and anything to do with romantic gestures. That’s why vanilla is is the far superior flavor! Besides, if someone really loved you they’d give you nice healthy vanilla yogurt, not fatty bad-for-you chocolate! And yogurt is just the beginning! Vanilla is the most versatile (hee hee) of all flavors!

Bossy: The most versatile of flavors? Right because there’s vanilla and…vanilla. You want to talk versatile than you have to talk chocolate. You got your milk chocolate and your dark chocolate. You got your semi-sweet chocolate, your unsweetened chocolate and your bittersweet chocolate. You’ve got your 25% cacao, your 35% cacao, and your 70% cacao. And, hello Mr. White Bread? A little thing Bossy likes to call White Chocolate.

Craig: Puh-lease! White chocolate is just chocolate’s ghetto way of trying to be vanilla. And all those different kinds of chocolate, all sound like uh…chocolate. Vanilla is totally the slutty prom queen of flavors while chocolate is the chubby tuba player. Vanilla extract has an alcohol content! You can get drunk off of vanilla! What’s cooler than that? Do I have to remind you of those dorky Ovaltine commercials? “More Ovaltine please!” Ugh, those commercials make me want to punch a baby penguin.

Bossy: You get drunk from vanilla? Wow you must be really churchy. In which case Bossy would like to introduce you to a little thing she calls Dopamine. When you eat chocolate, the bioactive agents contained within increase the brain’s level of serotonin, producing mild stimulation and the release of the calming, mood enhancing dopamine. That would be chocolate. Vanilla just makes your farts smell like sugar cookies.

Craig: Um, you say that as if farts smelling like sugar cookies are a bad thing? And what’s so bad about being churchy? I believe it was baby Jesus who once said: “You who favor vanilla over chocolate shall be welcome into the kingdom of heaven when my dad thrusts the Earth into a realm of terror for America’s acceptance of gays.” Or something like that. So when we get up to heaven there’s gonna be two lines, one for vanilla lovers and one for chocolate lovers. Or as St. Peter will refer to them as: “White Line” and “Colored Line”. Yay segregation! Vanilla power!

Bossy: But those who prefer chocolate don’t have to wait their whole whitey lives for St. Peter and that gate thingy, because eating chocolate is like heaven on earth. And lucky thing, because those who eat chocolate will live longer. There’s only one flavor that has the potential to lower blood pressure and cholesterol and reduce the risk of blood clots. And that flavor? Ding ding ding! Chocolate! Meanwhile Vanilla is good for… um… looking it up and… oh, here it is: Nothing.

Craig: I love vanilla. It makes me happy. You say vanilla is good for nothing. Following this logic, my happiness means nothing to you. I therefore declare this debate a personal attack on myself and upon my character. I can believe nothing you say. Perhaps you really love vanilla and are just saying you don’t to make me feel bad. Why would you do that? Why Bossy? Why? Now I’m sad. Quick! I need comforting. Someone get me some vanilla ice cream damn it! Better yet! How about a swig of ye olde vanilla extract! Ahhhh, sweet, sweet comfort.

Bossy: Oh, sorry, you were saying what? Bossy couldn’t hear you above the sound of the weepy violin. Bossy is pained that the truth of vanilla is making you so sad. Do you know what always works for Bossy when she’s in need of comfort? First she takes a nice ceramic mug and puts it on the counter. And then she takes some milk and mixes it with her favorite chocolate syrup in a pan over a medium flame and voilà: Hot chocolate. You could always, um, take your, eh, and mix it with, uh, right, well—you could always eat your mug.

Craig: Oh, and what will you be putting in your hot chocolate? Is it…(dramatic pause)… marshmallows?! And do you know what a key ingredient in marshmallows is? Do I even need to tell you? Fine, I guess I do. (After all, people who prefer chocolate aren’t all that smart.) It’s vanilla! And as everyone knows, drinking hot chocolate is just an excuse to eat marshmallows and enjoy their vanilla goodness. Aw, I’m sorry my arguments are so awesome. Feel free to borrow my violin. You need it more than I do.

Bossy: You’ve heard it here first: on the planet Craig, marshmallows contain vanilla. Meanwhile for the rest of us, marshmallows are produced from a combination of sugar, egg whites, gelatin, corn syrup, dextrose, corn starch, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, and gum arabic. Which, yum, kind of reminds Bossy of vanilla. Also? Do you know how vanilla is harvested? The vanilla pods are plucked from their happy vine while they are all green and odorless and then they are sent off to slaughterhouses where their vegetative tissue is killed—this can be death by sun, by oven, by hot water, or by deep freezing. Bossy never knew Craig was so violent, but she thinks maybe there’s a mood enhancer that would help this predicament and—oh, it’s chocolate.

Craig: First off, the planet Craig is awesome. It is filled with hard bodies in loin cloths cooling me off with giant leaves and hand-feeding me grapes. Secondly, check out THIS recipe for marshmallows created by non other than Martha Fucking Stewart and shown on Oprah. Just try and defy Martha and Oprah! They will cut you! But wait, you must be right because you have a magazine and have built empires based upon just your name alone. Riiiiiiight. That’s what I thought. Vanilla rules, chocolate drools.

So who do you guys think won? Even if I lose, I think I deserve a consolation prize for freakiest picture for my vanilla ice cream picture. I look like Bilbo attacking Frodo in Rivendell for the One Ring. Okay, that was a dorky reference, but come on! It’s totally fitting!

Think you could do better? Send me an e-mail with a topic you’d like to debate with me! For more Puntabulous Debates CLICK HERE!

Comic Book Movies

So now you know that I think the Spiderman movies are the most awful things in the world, right up there with terrorism and Tony Hawk. But what are some of my other thoughts on comic book movies?

1. Batman Begins is the best comic book movie of all time.

2. Batman Returns was the best of the 1990′s Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer was amazing.

3. Jack Nicholson is extremely overrated as the Joker. He was not the Joker. He was Jack Nicholson in makeup.

4. George Clooney could have been a really awesome Bruce Wayne. Unfortunately for him Batman and Robin was awful.

5. Superman Returns was underrated. I enjoyed it more than the Christopher Reeves movies.

6. X2: X-Men United was the best of the X-Men movies, obviously. I think everyone agrees on that one.

7. Rogue shouldn’t have given up her powers in X-Men 3. She should have shown up on Alkatraz and kicked major ass.

8. Wolverine shouldn’t have cried for Professor Xavier. Only Jean Grey. It’s more meaningful that way.

9. Mystique should have met Magneto in the park at the end of X-Men 3. Their break up was Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston in magnitude. If they can’t work it out, who can? Damn you Angelina! Wait, who was I talking about again?

10. The flaming skull in Ghost Rider was laughable. Eva Mendes was the best part of that movie.

11. Also laughable was Jennifer Garner fighting a blind guy on seesaws in DareDevil. Seriously Jen, he’s blind! Be nice!

12. The Fantastic 4 movies were okay. But seriously, why can’t Hollywood write a proper fight scene where several superheroes use their powers in conjunction?

13. The same goes for the X-Men movies. They insist on separating everyone and having them fight alone. It’s lazy writing and fight scene choreography. In the extended fight scene at Jean Grey’s house that was deleted but in the special features of the X-Men 3 DVD, at one point Wolverine stabs Juggernaut with his claws on one hand, and extends his other hand to Storm who shoots lighting into his other claws. The lighting passes through Wolverine and electrocutes Juggernaut. It was awesome! It may not be the least bit believable, but the X-Men were actually using their powers in conjunction! And they deleted it! What were they thinking?! ARG!

Little Drummer Craig

I decorated the house over the weekend. I’m pretty sure Al Gore and Scott are gonna come kick my ass. But they’re L.E.D. lights so they save energy! But I think the amount of them cancels out any energy saving impact that may have occurred.

Here’s a closer look of the package on the roof. Go ahead, you can say it. My package is huge. Wink. And I made it out of regular strings of lights! I am awesome! As is my package. Double wink. I was totally Spiderman on the roof putting those lights up. Without the super crappy movies though. Seriously, those movies are so bad they make me angry.

How angry are you?!

I’m so angry, I manage to bring up my anger about the Spiderman movies in a post about Christmas decorations! Does my fury know no bounds? Apparently not! Sorry folks, I was out Christmas shopping and I saw all the Spiderman 3 DVDs littering the shelves. Okay, focus Craig, happy place. Three, two, one, one, two, three, what the heck is bothering me?

I’m such a sucker for Christmas decorations. The earlier the better. Squeal!

Okay, but seriously, the Spiderman movies sucked huge amounts of ass. The first one was the biggest piece of crap I’ve ever seen in my life. The Green Goblin was the least threatening comic book movie villain since the penguins with bombs strapped to their backs in Batman Returns. The second one was better, but still meh. The third one had a dance sequence. Ugh.

Gay Bloggies: Round 4

Huzzah! I survived the Gay Bloggies: Round 3 elimination! Time for Round 4! The challenge for this round was vanity shots including the color orange.

CLICK HERE TO READ AND VOTE THUMBS UP FOR ME!

(And maybe thumbs down for the other guys.)

200,000

Holler! At 9:46 this morning a reader in Ontario Canada was my 200,000th reader. A drop in the bucket for some. Pretty fracking sweet for Puntabulous. Thanks for reading!

Gay Bloggies: Round 3

Sweet! I survived the Gay Bloggies: Round 2 elimination! There’s 10 of us left now. The assignment for Round 3 was to discuss our guilty pleasures. For my post, I put a few of my pleasures on trial to determine whether they were guilty or not. I don’t think this one came out so good. READ IT HERE. I need your thumbs up now more than ever!

CLICK HERE TO READ AND VOTE!

I have to say it

Heroes was pretty great this week. Stop reading if you haven’t watched this week yet!

1. Thank god Hiro is back to the present day.

2. The Mr. Bennett scenes were SHOCKING.

3. After a boring start, Kristen Bell as Elle has become fantastic. Covering her in water was genius.

4. Niki/Paolo (I wish I could take credit for that comparison) are still completely useless. Also, why are their subtitles yellow?

5. Claire’s boyfriend from the “5 Years Gone” episode last season was much hotter than lame West.

6. Go away Mohinder. No one likes you.

7. Take Molly and Micah with you. Whoever decides to add children to perfectly good science fiction movies and TV shows should be shot.

8. Mrs. Bennett has become kinda awesome.

9. Niki/Jessica need to knock it off with the split personality thing and just focus on being a really kick ass super strong stripper mom.

10. More Sylar please.

RELATED: Puntabulous Guide to Being a Superhero

Analyze This

So this is the dream I had this weekend. I would really appreciate it if you could tell me what it means.

I was a contestant on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune. No, I wasn’t the celebrity! If you haven’t seen Celebrity Wheel of Fortune, they pair up each of the three contestants with a celebrity. I was the contestant. Neil Patrick Harris was the celebrity I was paired up with. I know, this dream started off really awesome. I don’t know who the other celebrities were. My attention was focused on NPH.

But we weren’t in the Wheel of Fortune studio. We were on my front lawn in the middle of the night. I don’t remember the big wheel being there, or Pat Sajak or Vanna White for that matter, but it was definitely Wheel of Fortune.

So before we started playing (like I said, I’m not even positive there was a wheel there) a half a deer fell out of the sky and landed on my front yard. That’s right. A half a deer. I think it was the front half. It was like the deer was ripped in half. The middle was all open and gorey.

So everyone is all grossed out at the sight of this poor dead animal on my front lawn. Everyone except Neil Patrick Harris who proceeds to grab a piece of deer gore and starts throwing it at everyone! And everyone’s like “FOOD FIGHT!” and they start tearing apart this deer and flinging pieces at each other! It was madness! I think I was the only one in my dream who thought this was out of the ordinary. But obviously I’m a sucker for peer pressure so I grabbed a deer organ of some sort and joined the fun.

And before I knew it, I had a dismembered deer leg in my hand and I was on top of Neil Patrick Harris hitting him with the deer leg. Don’t worry, it wasn’t like we were really fighting. It was play fighting, almost like a tickle fight.

But with bloody deer parts.

And that’s when I woke up. So tell me what all that means. Thanks!