There’s a fine line between annoying characters and useless characters. For example, Jeff Goldblum’s daughter in The Lost World: Annoying, but she did some crazy gymnastics and kicked a velociraptor. These guys: Useless.
Useless Character: Persephone as played by Monica Bellucci
Movie: Matrix Revolutions
My Useless Commentary: She’s hot. She has a cool name. She had her very own poster for Matrix Reloaded which lead most people to believe she’d be of some importance. She helped the good guys escape the annoying French guy in the second movie, and then she stopped doing anything useful. Lets face it, the whole Merovingian storyline sucked, but Persephone gets the award for most useless.
Their Most Useless Line: “She’ll do it. If she has to, she’ll kill every one of us. She’s in love.” That was her only line in the last movie. Audiences around the world replied: “Nice tits!”
Useless Character: Warren Worthington III, AKA Angel as played by Ben Foster
Movie: X-Men 3: The Last Stand
My Useless Commentary: His only purpose was to act as a really lame, and not at all subtle, gay parallel storyline. I mean, did his character really warrant having a 10 year flashback at the beginning of the movie? Shouldn’t we reserve those for like main characters. The least you could have done was have him show up at the end battle (in costume! with a powers-in-tact Rogue!) and kick some evil mutant ass.
Their Most Useless Line: “No! It’s what you want!” Calm down, homo!
Useless Character: Kitty Bennet
Movie: Pride and Prejudice
My Useless Commentary: Jane was the pretty one, Lizzy was the clever one, Mary was the geeky one, Lydia was a slutty one, Kitty was the uh… What was her point again? I’m not even positive she’s in the above picture. In the Bollywood movie Bride and Prejudice, they didn’t even have a Kitty character. She was cut! Loser!
Their Most Useless Line: I don’t even know. Something about being jealous of Lydia’s storyline.
Useless Character: Roran played by Christopher Egan
Movie: Eragon
My Useless Commentary: I didn’t even know this character had a name. I had to look it up. I thought it would be something like: Farmboy #2. But he’s Eragon’s cousin, who has to leave his home in order to escape being recruited in the Evil King’s (please don’t make me look up his ridiculous name) evil army. Maybe they had big plans for him to return in a more heroic role for the sequels, but the not so stellar box office receipts beg to differ.
Their Most Useless Line: “I’m leaving.” After he left, I assumed: “Oh, he’ll be back at a climactic moment later in the movie.” Nope!
Useless Character: Jar Jar Binks
Movie: Star Wars: Episodes 1-3
My Useless Commentary: I bet George Lucas had great plans for Jar Jar. He probably brought Jar Jar in for a meeting before they started filming the first prequel and he was like: “You’re gonna be the Chewbacca of the prequels!” and Jar Jar was like: “Meesa like that idea!” And then The Phantom Menace came out and fanboys ripped Jar Jar another amphibious asshole. George listened to the fans and Jar Jar faded away. But not before handing Palpatine the emergency powers that led to him becoming Emperor. Good job Jar Jar! If George Lucas was a better writer, he would have stepped up his game and tweaked Jar Jar’s comedic contributions to the following sequels. After all, us fanboys can be pretty forgiving. I don’t even care Optimus Prime has flames anymore!
Their Most Useless Line: “Senators! Dellow feligates!” Groan.
Useless Character: I have no idea what the hell this thing is.
Movie: Alien: Resurrection
My Useless Commentary: Let me tell you something else about us fanboys. We get very upset when you kill our iconic characters and try to replace them with new characters. Don’t even get me started on Optimus Prime and the animated Transformers movie. Hot Rod was a chump! Why do Hollywood producers insist on killing off characters to make room for new ones? The same goes for movie monsters. Remember how the Spinosaurus killed the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park 3? And we never saw the Tyrannosaurus after that? How stupid was that?! Well along comes this gross/fake looking alien hybrid that kills the alien queen! One of the most iconic monsters of all time! Killed like it was nothing! Note to producers: You can introduce new movie monsters, let them have their fun, then have the original movie monster come back at the end and kick the living shit out of the new movie monster. This alien just popped out, killed the queen, was barely on screen for a minute before getting sucked out a miniature airlock. Wow! Was that supposed to have a point?
Their Most Useless Line: “You are a beautiful, beautiful, butterfly.” This isn’t actually said by the alien. It’s said by someone who watches the alien’s birth. It’s also the most ridiculous line of any movie ever.
MORE PUNTABULOUS GUIDES:
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHERO
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO BEING A SUPER VILLAIN
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO ROBOTS
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO LEADERS OF SCIENCE FICTION
PUNTABULOUS GUIDE TO OLDER SOMETIMES WISER MENTORS
I am going to assume that the fact that I don’t know who any of these characters are is a testament to their uselessness.
I too had high hopes for the Angel character from X-Men III…not really sure why they did that.
Did you read the X-Men comic books? What’s up with changing the story so much? Where are the sentinels, and Apocalypse? Will they make an X-Men IV??? I hope so.
I just needed to say I randomly found your blog today during a very slow day at work, and you are hilarious. Thanks for bringing the lolz!
I totally agree with your guide, and I’d also like to add the hooker from the “Black Market” episode of Battlestar Galactica. That is 42 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
awesome! great post.
monica belluci is fucking beautiful! and ben foster was insanely so…sigh.
Boxey in the new Battelstar Galactica, mercifully ditched in the series. I think he was meant to be a Wesley Crusher-type deal, but they couldn’t find a burnt orange jumper to fit.
What about the gay cheerleader in “Bring it on”…of course…you could say that about nearly all of those characters…
I completely disagree about Kitty Bennet being useless. Although both Mary and Kitty were certainly not main characters to Pride & Prejudice, the story would not make much sense without them.
The estate of Mr. Bennet’s family was entailed away from the females in the family. Therefore, Mr. & Mrs. Bennet’s could have done a few different things to secure the future comfort of their family:
1. Have a son.
2. Live within their means and save money.
3. Make sure their daughters married well.
It is clear that the Bennets chose to bank on choice #1. By the time they had their 5th and last child and came to a realization that they were not going to have a son, it was too late for choice #2 (it’s hard to save very much money w/ 5 children) so all their hope were on choice #3.
Another reason that Kitty is necessary to the plot is that having daughters between Jane and Lizzy (old enough to be in danger of being old maids) and Lydia (young enough to make Mr. Wickham truly the villain of the story) makes the entire story work. If you had no Kitty or Mary then what are we to believe? That Mr. & Mrs. Bennet took a break from trying to have a son for almost a decade? Com’on Craig!!!! You know that just doesn’t flow.
Jane Austen was a genius and too worthy of having a two-bit blogger trying to second-guess her!!!
For me the most useless character is the repeated single villain in every movie/ tv show/ game. When they repeat the same evil dude after supposedly killing him/her off over and over again. I know that the world only has one bad guy so you can’t blame (b)Hollywood for its lack of imagination. Really though I’m sick of Gannondorf, Emperor Palpetine (cloned and back in a few novels, Michael Meyers (Halloween), need I go on?
Jar Jar was so annoying, I don’t know how he got into the film in the first place!
I know my blog is precious, but do I really deserve two links on your sidebar?
“Calm down, homo!” — Nice. That guy was all over the trailers. I remember thinking, “Oh, the guy from 6 Feet Under is becoming a star,” and then all he did was complain for five minutes.
But he wasn’t as annoying as Jar Jar. And probably not as horrible as Monica Belluci, because even though he was useless, at least his subplot didn’t take 3 hours to appear and sink back into writer’s oblivion. Nice tits, though.
Didn’t the winged guy end up saving someone important because he refused to get “cured”?
With Roran and Eragon, Roran serves to be a very important character in later books. So, if the trilogy is to be completed on the big screen, Roran will prove to be a very important figure down the stretch.
Sure, he was pointless in the first film, but he serves a larger purpose in the second and third.
God yes! What did Angel do in X3 that warranted a place on the posters? He blatantly had a bigger part at some point but they had to cut it out, and for some reason couldn’t re-shoot the bit where he saves whatsername at the end, so they left in just enough to introduce the character. Stupid.
I stumble upon your story and it made me laugh..thanks for sharing..^^
I agree with you..these characters are really useless that I don’t even remember them and their lines.
Okay, maybe I’m being kind of noobish about this but I’d like to know exactly how/why Angel in X3 was gay. I only saw the movie once (ever) when it was at the cinema and well, it didn’t strike me as overtly gay…then again, it was just once that I saw it.
Would anyone be so kind as to enlighten me on this?
I haven’t seen Matrix Revolution..but other than that you are 100% correct..The only one that really bothered me was Eragon….I kept waiting for him to be SOMEWHERE..held captive..do they become allies again… That was just stupid. He must have been blowing somebody so his scene wasn’t cut totally..
so this may be a year late but on the small chance that you come back and read this ill say it. read a god dam book and youd learn that roran has a large part in the second and third books of the series. hes not a useless charater at all
mp you are: Wow, no reason to get all worked up silly! If you actually read my blog you’ll know I read plenty of books. I’m just saying he was useless in the movie. No harm done!
The P&P and Eragon points were uninformed (They definitely DID have big plans for him to return in a more heroic role for the sequels), but otherwise funny post!
Yeah totally agree with Katiefucious. The Sentinels should of been in an X-Men movie. Hope they make X-Men 4.
Nice list, funny points.
And yeah, Roran does play a big part in the later Eragon Books, and I like the books, I like them a lot, its just….. that movie was utter shit. I was so mad when that came out.
OMG. I TOTALLY disagree about Jar Jar Binks. He was by far one of my most FAVORITE characters from that movie.